


Love is a Poison Wilfully Consumed

by Heligena



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-15 07:19:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 47,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12316389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heligena/pseuds/Heligena
Summary: The aftermath of events in National City have hit Maggie and Alex hard.  They’ve been trying to get on with their lives, their jobs but Alex’s inability to talk about the nightmares she’s been having since Rick, since the Daxamite invasion are beginning to worry Maggie.  With this in mind she decides to do something to help and brings home a few plants from Baudelaire’s Flower Shop in the hopes that they’ll help both of them sleep better.What Maggie doesn’t realise is that the owner of the newest florist shop in town is not who she claims to be.  Dr Pamela Isley, the beautiful redhead with trailing vine tattoos running up both her arms is far from a simple flower seller.  And when both Maggie and Alex start dreaming about the moments fate brought them together, the moments replaying very differently to how they remember them, their waking relationship starts to break down.Trying to cope with a city drowning under the weight of a new illicit substance on the drug scene and a DEO too stretched to rebuild all the damage as quickly as it’s needed, our two favourite heroines find themselves pulling further and further away from each other, losing track of what is real and what isn’t.





	1. Tendrils

Maggie Sawyer was out of her element.  
That was for damn sure.  
Not in terms of location. Robitaille Avenue, a dilapidated street situated on the outskirts of northern National City with its half tarmac half-weedbed road bunched in by a series of gaffer-taped shop windows and smashed billboard-screens felt like home.  
This was exactly her turf.  
Her battle ground when she wasn’t holed up living the high life in the shiny uber-funded DEO.

But the brand spanking new store in front of her was something else.  
An interloper in the chaos and disrepair. Its slender green sign, all looping calligraphy and white-lady elegance screamed trespasser. Urbanisation. Encroachment and that faceless horror for everyone who dared eke out a living there- gentrification. 

This is How You Should be Living said the sign. Why Aren’t You?  
And it made Maggie want to throw up a little in her mouth.  
But.  
She was here for a reason.

She’d heard the name Baudelaire’s bandied about by McKinnon and the rest of her colleagues anytime they’d been forced to work three straight weeks of overtime and felt the need to get their wives something to say sorry for not coming home at night. And there’d been rumours at the precinct from the street kids too, that the woman who had opened the store had been letting them sleep in her supply room. Handing out hot coffees and free blooms before opening time came around.

Everyone seemed to have a good word to say about this place and the mysterious woman who ran it.  
Which made Maggie naturally suspicious. But since she had precisely zero intel on where else to go for what she wanted…here she was. Post twenty-hour shift, badge still clipped resolutely to her belt, leather jacket sitting at its edge keeping the metal insignia obscured- unless she wanted it to be shown obviously.

Staring at the tinted window Maggie groaned inwardly to herself.

Because the truth was... Right now, even with all her training and street smarts, she was completely and utterly winging it.  
And this was a terrible idea. The absolute worst.  
She didn’t even know what she’d been thinking.

That groan turned quickly into a frown.

Jesus, this isn’t for you Sawyer. Just grow a pair, why don’t you?

Gritting her teeth, the NCPD Detective stared at her reflection in the spotless bay window for a second, distracted by the way the shadowy glass washed out her appearance, making her skin look sallow and unhealthy.

Like so many of her charges.  
Like someone who was bone tired and couldn’t wait to go home to sleep for about a thousand years.

Decision made at the thought of being able to go back to the apartment and finally relax, she reached out resolutely pushing the door open. 

The small delicate ding of the bell above her head did precisely nothing to help her nerves.  
It was too ornate, too indulgent.  
Neither did the smell of moss and earth that assaulted her nostrils as she stared around at the rows and rows of flowers and plants lining every shelf in the place. It was a labyrinth of colours.   
A parade of shapes and stamens and whatever the hell the names were for the other bits of plants she’d been too bored to memorise back at school.  
The whole kaleidoscope of hues made her feel like she was staring at a painting too closely, like all the details had blurred out.

And the odours.  
Jesus.  
The place smelled like her Aunt’s basement- damp, cloying and infected by shadowy mould.  
A visceral cloying scent that reminded her of secrets and shame.

Stop that she chided.  
You’re on a mission damnit.  
Some ridiculous Freudian shit wasn’t going to keep her from her end goal. Not today.

Maggie licked her lips. “Uh…hello?”

She waited for a response, some human presence, but none came.  
Not even a breeze interrupted the dusty static air so she was forced to walk further into the flower shop to search someone out.  
To wander deeper into Baudelaire’s in search of its mystery proprietor or at least some underpaid shop-girl to help her out. Her nerves sparking with each step she took away from the front entrance. 

Honestly, even the name of the store unnerved her.   
As her fingertips skimmed the petals of a large purple orchid-looking shrub on her left, somewhere in the back of her mind she remembered her eighth grade English teacher Ms Carmichael giving them a lesson on a French poet with the same name. Baudelaire. Charles Baudelaire.   
Time had dimmed the details of the poem they’d studied but she sure as hell recalled a torrent of ridiculously snooty language written on a page in the book that hit the back of her neck when she’d put her hand up and said as much. The top of her spine had been sore for days while her teacher denied ever touching her.  
And really who were they going to believe?  
The girl in knock-off metal braces and a sweater that had been worn by at least three of her brothers before her?  
Or the composed well-spoken woman who was ‘just trying to teach these kids about the ephemeral experience of urban life and how important the responsibility is for art to capture that.’

A wave of irritation surged through her at the memory as she finally made it to the back of the room and pushing her way through some hanging beads walked slap-bang into the back of someone.

Crap.

“Oh, hello!”

Maggie jerked out of her reverie to find a beautiful woman in a white lab coat staring at her, an amused glint in her cat-like eyes. 

Shuffling backwards on instinct, Maggie cringed at the other woman’s attention; her face flushing red before she could stop it.

“Jeez, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t really looking where I was going.”

Her newfound friend didn’t seem upset luckily. In fact, she seemed almost as surprised as Maggie to find she wasn’t alone in the store but recovered almost immediately offering her a delighted toothy smile.

“Hi.”

Maggie awkwardly rubbed the back of her neck staring around her with noticeable discomfort. “Hi.”

The woman’s grin got even bigger. “Why do I get the impression you’re not really a flower kind of girl?”

That should have stung, really. But the florist’s easy smile was oddly disarming and the lack of judgement in her tone seemed to draw all the venom from her words.

“That obvious, is it?”

Hefting down a huge plant pot into the crook of her arms, her new acquaintance balanced it delicately on the work bench in front of her before wiping a few clods of dirt from her sleeve. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Once upon a time plants were our family, a part of our home. Now they’re just seen as a luxury. An extravagance. Most of us have forgotten how to even be around them.” 

Huh.

A chuckle escaped from the Detective’s mouth. “That’s kind of deep for a florist.”

There was a crinkle that suddenly revealed itself in between the woman’s eyebrows, and it reminded the cop oddly of Kara for a moment. “Dr Pamela Isley at your service. And…I’m a botanist actually.”

Maggie winced again. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that…”

God, what was wrong with her?

The warm smile was back though. 

“It’s no problem. I probably owe you one for my impertinent assumption earlier so I’d say we’re even, Miss….” 

Rubbing a palm against her outer thigh Maggie held it out. “Oh, Sawyer. Maggie.” She shook her head imperceptibly. “Detective Maggie Sawyer.”

Dr Isley nodded and shook her hand heartily, gripping it in her own for a moment. She withdrew it then and motioned to the plant pot in front of her. “Do you mind if I finish up with this while we talk Detective Sawyer? The order has to be on the van by this afternoon.”

Maggie shook her head.

And watched curiously, as the red headed woman with a green plaid shirt tucked neatly under her lab coat reached out her arms to bury her fingers deep in the soil of the large plant pot, checking its consistency, its dampness with her fingertips. When her sleeves shrugged upwards, a series of beautiful vines revealed themselves curling up both her arms, the tattoo work intricate and beautifully elaborate with only a hint of pastel lilac petals showing amongst the ocean of greens.

Maggie’d never been a fan of tattoos, had seen enough of them emblazoned on perps proclaiming their gang affiliations and the numbers of people they had hurt, to want them anywhere near her own skin but somehow these ones were different. Mesmerising almost.  
Feminine and otherworldly.

She blushed when she realised the other woman had caught her staring at them.

“Sorry.” She muttered. “Again. I seem to be on a roll today.”

“There’s no harm in looking, it’s not like I try and hide them.”

“Do they mean anything?” 

Olive coloured eyes studied her for a moment, scrutinizing her as if trying to work out her intentions. Maggie stared back openly.

Whatever the red head saw must have satisfied her because she straightened up and rolled both her sleeves up, small clumps of dirt staining the edges her rolled up sleeves.

“They’re a reminder. This arm is a Clematis verticillaris, the purple virgin’s bower- a winding vine that grows in rocky places.” She held Maggie’s gaze for a moment. “It helps me to remember that no matter how charming someone or something seems, they can be just as insidious, sneaking their way under your skin before you even know they’re there.” 

Maggie went to comment on that but she was cut off.

“And this one? This one is a Wisteria Floribunda, a member of the pea family. It has the same colour flower as the Clematis but it can grow over thirty metres long.”

“And what does that remind you of?”

Maggie wasn’t sure she wanted the answer to that, given the sudden dark look that crossed the taller woman’s face but she felt compelled to ask anyway.

There was a pause. 

“That whatever trials you put someone through, they can overcome it and offer the world something beautiful if only for a season.”

She looked over with turbulent eyes as Maggie glanced at her, at a loss for words.

“I…Wow.”

“Is that a good wow or an ‘I should be backing the hell up right about now’ wow?”

Maggie grinned at the raised eyebrows awaiting an answer and the good humour written on her counterpart’s face.

“It’s an ‘I just learned something interesting’ wow.”

The woman grinned. “I’m glad, usually customers eyes tend to glaze over once I start on my philosophical ramblings.”

Maggie breathed out, resisting the urge to clear her throat of the thick air in the room. 

“I don’t know much about philosophy. Wasn’t much for book learning. But complicated relationships and human contradictions I get.”

She tilted her head for a moment.  
And was surprised to find that the woman was looking almost impressed at the admission.

“Well, like I said…” Pamela threw her arms out in a wide gesture. “These guys are not just a luxury if you have the right attitude. They can change the world if you let them.”

Straightening her spine, cricking her neck the botanist stilled briefly. “So, what brought you to my humble little shop today?”

And there it was.

Maggie licked her suddenly dry lips, “Yeah. Right. Well, to come back to complicated relationships…”

A series of images of Alex burned their way into her retina as she stood there. Alex relaxing splayed out on the couch, glasses sat on her nose as she read a biomedical research paper, one page curled behind the next. Languid and beautiful. Alex holding her gun high as she faced down an alien threat that towered over her small frame, her fingers interlocked with such surety that it looked as though they would have to be broken to get them unlaced. 

Alex floating in that goddamn tank, eyes closed, mouth open.

Alex.  
Her girl.  
Her human series of contradictions in one willowy wonderful package.

“You ok?”

Startled out of her thoughts, Maggie blushed fiercely.

“Yeah sorry, I was hoping to get something for my girlfriend. For her apartment. Our apartment.” She was so busy peering at the floor that she missed the look of disappointment on the other woman’s face when the word girlfriend fell from her lips. It was only there for a fraction of a second then gone by the time Maggie raised her chin.

“She…we…haven’t been sleeping well. She’s a government agent. I’m a cop. It’s been a rough few months for both of us with everything that’s happened in the city and I thought maybe there was some kind of plant we could get to help with that.” The brunette wrinkled her nose up as she recalled the quick google search she’d done at work before leaving. “I heard that lavender can be useful, they had some pouches at the chemist but other than that, I’m kind of flying blind here.”

The shop owner paused, surveying the smaller woman in front of her; the way she ground the toe of her police issue boot into the ground. Then pressed her lips together.

“You know you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Most people come in here because they’ve done something wrong and want an apology they can pay under ten bucks for to make themselves feel better.”

Maggie nodded wryly. She couldn’t argue, half her colleagues were guilty as hell of that.

“It actually makes a nice change to meet someone who knows exactly what they want their plant to do. Physiologically speaking.” The botanist smiled reassuringly; green eyes flashing against the deep red of her hair. “And someone who’s simply trying to make someone else’s life better with no apology needed.”

Maggie’s own smile cracked a little.

The guilt she felt at not getting to Alex in time those few weeks ago, at not following her instincts and letting Kara run riot for those few painful hours bit into her skin. All her training, all her years on the force and she’d almost gotten the woman she loved killed.  
And Alex, sweet Alex had told her every day since then that it wasn’t her fault. Wasn’t her responsibility to bear. And yet.

When she closed her eyes at night that gnawing feeling of failure was always the last thing she felt before sleep came. If it came at all.

“Right,” she muttered. 

The woman clapped her hands together, all efficiency now as she waved Maggie to follow her on a brief tour of the room.

They wandered down the first aisle before turning down the next where the botanist stopped to reaching out a slender hand, lightly patting a leafy plant.

“Jasmine has been proven to lower anxiety in some studies. Gardenia and aloe vera too. But I get the impression that you’d like something a little less noticeable. A little less… extravagant.”

Maggie threw her a grateful grin. “You sure you’re a botanist not a psych profiler?”

The woman’s red hair shook as she giggled. “People are much easier to read than my babies here. That’s why I transferred my affections; for the challenge.”

“Sounds romantic.”

“Romance is a rare thing these days. Overhyped for the most part.”

The other woman glanced at Maggie out of the corner of her eye, the smile no longer quite as bright before taking a few more steps to her right towards a large flowering bush.

“Valerian might be worth your time but the flowers can be overwhelming since they bloom in such a short time and a lot of people find they have an allergy to their pollen. Could I interest you in something a little… pricklier?”

At that Maggie crossed her arms, “Not trying to fob me off with the stuff that doesn’t sell so well are you?”

There was that tinkling laugh again, reminding Maggie of the bell above the door.

“Actually, cacti were my bestsellers when I opened my last shop in a more…uh salubrious area.”

The cryptic comment prompted a swirl of questions in Maggie’s mind as to where that shop had been and whether social standing really affected a person’s choice of flower but she kept those queries to herself as the other woman brought them to a row of potted cacti, all shapes and sizes; each one a different shade of green brown and yellow, their spines bristling at the attention.

The woman lightly caressed the largest one, letting her thumb brush its skin in between the bristles.

“They’re a great oxygen producer which helps people sleep more soundly. They’re discreet. Don’t need much tending. And these ones are a cross-breed of my own creation. Non-shedding and allergen free.”

She looked up expectantly as Maggie picked up one of the smaller, more adorable ones cradling the pot in her palms.

“This one’s kind of cute.”

The woman’s face flashed with something indistinguishable for a moment before her smile fell back into place.

“I actually have a family of those, all grown from the same original plant.”

Family.

Maggie liked the sound of that. And she had the feeling Alex would love the small green plant more than a cheesy bunch of roses or anything like that. It was understated.   
Unfussy and still delicate.  
Like someone else she could name.  
In fact, in her mind’s eye Maggie could think of the exact places these little fellas could go in Alex’s flat. Their flat.

Looking up, decision made, she held the little cactus out to the store owner.

“I’ll take all of them.”

The woman blinked happily taking it from her. “Then stay right here, I’ll go box them up in the back. Don’t go anywhere.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” said Maggie with a wink.

The woman chuckled lightly to herself as she sashayed away, her white coat flapping behind her while Maggie breathed out a sigh of relief now that she’d found what she’d been looking for.

She really couldn’t wait to get home.

There was nothing else she wanted more right now. Nothing in the world.

And Alex was going to love the cacti she’d picked out. She just knew it.


	2. Clara

She really hadn’t thought this through.

Struggling to slide her key into the lock, Maggie juggled the box of plants she was balancing on one arm along with her gym bag. As she managed to get inside she could hear the water from the shower blasting from their on-suite bathroom and took the opportunity to dump her bag down next to the armchair, carrying her other load into the lounge. Gently placing one of the cacti next to the sofa on the table, she hefted the box up again, tiptoeing down the hallway to sneakily deposit another in the spare bedroom. The next one she carried into their own bedroom and positioned it on the bedside table on Alex’s side alongside a half-used bottle of hand lotion and Alex’s military style watch.

“Maggie?”

As Alex called out anxiously from the open doorway, an unconscious smile lit up Maggie’s face. For all her stoicism Alex hadn’t been able to shower with the door shut since she had been stuck in that tank, but at least now she was able to use it without someone else being in the apartment. That was a step forward.  
The lank-haired despondent version of her girlfriend that had waited for Maggie to get home from work every-day before she could shower had almost worried her to death. 

“Yeah, it’s just me, Aly.”

Unsure what to do with herself now, Maggie anxiously manoeuvred the pot a centimetre to the left so that it lined up with the square base of the lamp.  
Just how Alex would like.

And that was when a head peeked around the corner of the bathroom door, wet hair dripping down onto a pair of shoulders.

“Just?”

Gleaming eyes peered at her with an amused sense of disapproval.

Maggie shrugged. “I’m not exactly the Queen of England here.”

“I hope not. I’m pretty sure there’s laws against defiling royalty… and I’d really rather keep my head right here on my shoulders… to put to other uses…”

Maggie grinned as Alex emerged wrapped in a purple towel, her hair dripping dark spots onto the fabric. The colour of royalty.  
How appropriate.  
The thought died in place however as she found herself confronted with Alex’s lithe semi naked body and despite all her best intentions Maggie’s entire body froze; entranced by the sight in front of her. 

“How was work?”

Maggie shook her head in an attempt to clear it of all those alluring mental images; enough to be able to form words at least. “I- It… was ok I guess. Spent most of it on detention paperwork.” She pulled a face to demonstrate exactly how she felt about that.

“You guys seem to be notching up more arrests than usual.”

Maggie blinked, as if the thought hadn’t occurred to her until then.

“Actually yeah.” She shrugged. “Must be a full moon or something.”

“Or something,” Alex said distractedly. It was only when she noticed the empty cardboard box on the bed, that her gaze cleared and she looked directly over at her girlfriend, a glimmer of excitement visible in her face.

“What’s all this?” she said throwing the brunette a wink before surveying the rest of the room for clues. “You finally gonna keep more than a toothbrush and change of clothes here?”

Maggie tensed.  
After everything Alex had been through, after the Daxum invasion and the proposal, after the aftermath of everything, they hadn’t really had a chance to talk about all the things that had happened. The proposal. Not properly. Neither had wanted to be the one to ask what those things might mean for their relationship. What they wanted. 

Alex had thrown all her energy into getting fighting fit for work and Maggie…  
Well Maggie had used most of her leave on half days to keep an eye on her girlfriend’s recovery filling every moment of their time with binge watching Netflix and scheduled outings to the local bakery. Local coffee shop.  
A few streets further each time.

There hadn’t been time for realisations.  
Or there had been. But neither of them had had the nerve to take the bull by the horns.  
Neither had been willing to wreck the delicate thing they’d built between them.

“I know temporary accommodation Danvers. And it doesn’t look anything like this,” said Maggie wryly.

Alex’s face fell. “I…Mags, that wasn’t a dig.”

Maggie nodded but Alex grimaced anyway. “I mean it kind of was because for the rest of tonight we’re both gonna have to watch that we don’t trip and fall into the huge hole in the middle of the floor that I just dug for myself…”

A small laugh escaped Maggie at the blush creeping up her girlfriend’s slender neck and the way she scooted around the floor in front of her to tiptoe closer; her tightrope act all kinds of endearing the closer she got.

“…but it wasn’t a criticism of you. Really.”

With Alex’s shadow touching hers now, Maggie offered up an amused half smile, her chest untightening.  
It was a reprieve.  
Enough at least for Alex to regain some of her earlier confidence as she padded nearer to investigate the box like some kind of giant feline. 

“So?” Alex motioned with her chin to the empty cardboard sitting on the duvet as she squeezed the ends of her dark hair and Maggie sucked in a breath that once more felt tight inside her lungs.

“I, uh… got something. To help you sleep, to help both of us sleep and and…to remind me of you…”

Alex stared down at the tiny cactus Maggie was pointing to. “Something… prickly and self-sufficient?”

Growling at the implication but with no real annoyance, Maggie walked over to her, swinging her around by her towelled hips. Reaching out tentative fingers she brushed Alex’s damp fringe behind her ear.

“No. Something that’s all for independence but…” She struggled for words with Alex’s bright eyes capturing her own, “…somehow helps me breathe easier when it’s around.”

Alex stared at her intently causing a blush to bloom in Maggie’s cheeks this time but the soft, lingering kiss that followed made the brunette forget all about that. She sank into it gratefully.

When she pulled back struggling for air she chuckled. “See. Oxygen is good.”

“We might need more of that in here. On occasion,” mumbled Alex kissing her again, resting a hand on the back of her neck.  
At the very place that book’s binding had struck her all those years ago.

“I… I thought it might help regulate our sleep patterns, you know.”

Alex offered her a gentle peck on the bridge of her forehead as she suddenly realised the real reason for Maggie’s gift. “Who knew the city’s most hard-nosed cop had such a romantic side.”

Maggie frowned. “No-one. And that’s how it’s gonna stay.”

“Is that right?”

“If you know what’s best for you it is,” she replied seriously.

Pulling her gently behind her, their fingers interlaced, Maggie began taking her on a tour of the apartment, showing her exactly what she had done.

“So, there’s the one in the bedroom on your bedside table.”

“We should call her Clara,” said Alex with absolute conviction.

Maggie stopped causing Alex to walk straight into her spine.  
Turning Maggie grinned, “I’m sure I’m going to regret asking but why Clara?”

“Well if our hypothetical dog is going to be named after Gertrude Stein we kind of have to name the rest of our family after famous feminists. It’s the rules.”

Maggie’s mind whirled and she looked a little taken aback when the realisation hit. “Clara. As in Clara Campoamer?”

Alex flushed glancing at the floor. “Who better than a working-class gal who worked her way up from seamstress to Assembly member while an official Constituency was being written.”

Maggie wanted to kiss her so badly the tips of her fingers started to vibrate. “And the fact that she’s Spanish is just- coincidence.”

Alex shook her head making her damp hair sway. “I know she’s one of your heroes. So, she’s one of mine too. By default.”

Quickly cupping that nervous face between her palms, Maggie grinned up at her. “You’re adorable.”

Alex hmmed when Maggie kissed her softly mumbling, “Intersectionality is adorable. I’m just along for the ride.”

Giggling, faces a millimetre apart now, Maggie reached down and took her hand once more dragging her into the lounge.

“So, there’s another one here-“she pointed to an identical cactus squatting on the side-table nearest the couch. “In case we fall asleep on the sofa after a long day.” Frowning momentarily, she tilted her head. “How about we call her Mary-Ann after Mary-Ann Weathers?”

Alex nodded vigorously before they padded into the spare room.

Maggie pointed to the newest occupant. “And this little one?”

Biting down on her lip Alex took a minute before she said, “Sylvia. As in Sylvia Rivera?” 

“A Latina,” Maggie said with a smile. “Nice.”

She felt Alex’s warmth behind her as two arms slid around her waist and a chin came to rest on her left shoulder.

The movement was oddly familiar.

“Now that the gang’s all here what do you say to some mac and cheese and an early night?”

Relishing the feel of Alex’s skin on hers, even with the odd drip from the ends of her wet hair hitting her neck Maggie breathed out softly through her nose. “That sounds perfect to me Al.”

Neither of them moved though. Not for the longest time.

\------

It was quarter to twelve before they stumbled to bed, both absolutely bushed; stomachs bursting with cheesy pasta, eyes sore from watching Wynonna Earp episodes back to back and singing the theme song all the way through for every single one.

Pulling on a baggy t-shirt over her boy shorts Alex stretched out her tired spine as she crawled under the sheets in their bedroom.

“Night Clara,” she mumbled sliding under the covers.

Before she could scrunch up her legs she felt Maggie cuddle up into her, moulding to her chest and breathed out happily.

“Night to both my girls,” Maggie whispered. 

“You’re still my best one though,” she added huskily into Alex’s ear as she got comfy and that throaty tone combined with the sensation of her soft skin so nearby sent a wave of warmth shooting through her girlfriend.

She may even have squealed internally though Alex never would have admitted that upon pain of drowning.

Nope, she definitely wasn’t thinking about that.  
It was just a mental slip of the tongue.  
Nothing more.

Snuggling deeper into the pillow, practically burying her face in it where it smelled of Maggie’s hair- like soft fur and wild raspberries with just a hint of sweat mixed in, it was almost half past one when Alex finally fell into a fitful sleep.  
When she finally dreamed.  
Or remembered.  
Perhaps some strange combination of the two.

Somehow, she found herself back at a very familiar crime scene; the one from the first day she had met Maggie, although of course she hadn’t known anything about her let alone her name back then.  
God, she hadn’t known anything. The whole experience had been little more than a series of impressions pasted together and seared into her mind.

But here she was. Back there again.

With burning sun bouncing off black tarmac, so dazzling that her designer shades couldn’t stop it from blinding her a little.  
It was why she’d taken them off and left them on the dashboard of the unmarked jeep.

When she’d looked again, there had been a curved spine- someone crouching down on practiced ankles as if they had been in that position a hundred times or more; no tilt, no trembling at the calves.  
Just confidence. Absolute unadulterated confidence.

And leather.  
Goddamn that leather; too supple, too faded to be new but form fitting nonetheless, making Alex wish she had worn her leather jacket that day.  
A strange disembodied surge of familiar jealousy flowed through her in an instant. That a stranger could beat her to the punch like that. Could make her feel underdressed in her DEO issued handpicked black uniform.

The scene played out exactly as she remembered it.  
All those nerves, that anticipation.

Truth be told, that small burst of envy had been the real reason she’d strode over there, badge in hand behind her back, before she’d even consciously thought to pull it out. It was a little irrational, maybe even a touch unprofessional but the way that mystery woman at her crime scene had her on the back foot from metres away pricked at her skin and she hadn’t even needed to turn around to do it.

It had gotten to her more than it should have.

Still deep in sleep Alex sighed in anticipation as she walked the length of the car-park, long strides and spine ramrod straight buzzing with eagerness as the new woman stood up, still not aware of her presence. She remembered that sensation of excitement flowing down into her fingertips, the moment of calm before they faced off- it had been exhilarating. More than that, it had been a kind of high she hadn’t felt before.

Hadn’t thought to give a name to before.

Strange though.

She hadn’t remembered the strength of that other sensation. The darker one buried underneath; the one where she got the chance to dress someone down, make them feel unsure about being there instead of her. To chastise them in front of everyone else. 

That was also thrilling. Heady in its own way. But now she was here again, under that hot sun, her top damp and clinging to her stomach muscles, that urge to reprimand started to overwhelm the other feeling, obscuring those nerves and the butterflies in her stomach. God, it was going to feel good; she knew it. To stamp her authority on this new interloper who seemed incapable of giving her the respect she deserved. The respect she’d earned damnit.

How dare she just walk in here like she owns the place?

Alex mumbled in her sleep, to herself or to Maggie, a frown now marring her features.

This wasn’t right. Wasn’t how things went down.  
Was it?

A playful grin stared back at her as the other woman turned to face her- utterly defiant but amused at the same time.  
Alex sucked in a breath in response; her whole body trembling.  
But then those eyes that were so mesmerising and insolent at the same time hardened as they glimpsed up at the badge she was holding.

“I thought it was just the guys who wasted their time with pissing contests?”

Alex’s frown deepened against the pillow case.  
As if that wasn’t what she had been expecting the other woman to say.

Her dream self simply raised an eyebrow. “There’s really no contest here.”

Her voice sounded brittle to her own ears and she wished she could stop herself from saying anymore, especially with the way Maggie blinked affrontedly at her but there was nothing she could do. It was like she was watching a movie on a reel- canned and unchangeable.  
But this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.

“This is my crime scene so you need to gather up your team and move along. Now.”

Where the hell is this coming from? she thought to herself. This isn’t how it went.

The sunlight behind Maggie formed a corona around her dragging Alex’s attention back to the scene. And she was just as beautiful as she had ever been; her hair twenty different shades of russet and taupe. The DEO Agent felt a grin tugging at the edges of her mouth though she fought it.  
This she remembered at least.

Waves of heat rolling off the bitumen hitting the underside of her chin. And Maggie Sawyer, crossed arms, defiant but a glimmer in her pupils showing that she was also entertained.

Right up until something else changed. Causing her to bite the inside of her cheek, her fingers scratching at her hip where her badge was clipped.

“Like that is it?”

Alex blinked in confusion.  
She didn’t recall that comment nor the icy undertone it contained.

Struggling to respond, she held up a hand. “Like…like what?”

Maggie pinned her with a hard gaze, “We all just scuttle back to NCPD, tail between our legs because the bigwigs say so? So much for inter-departmental relations huh?”

Her heart rate spiked in her sleeping state at the same time as she was standing there.

Alex stuttered. “I…That is…”

This new version of Detective Sawyer shook her head, brushing dirt off her thighs.

“As you wish Your Majesty.”

The smaller woman suddenly whistled to her deputies putting on the pair of Ray-Bans that had been hanging off the front of her shirt.

“Don’t call us when your fancy forensic team’s left scratching their ass on this one.”

Alex took a step backward, thrown by the harshness of Maggie’s response but before she could say anything more, tell her that this isn’t how things were supposed to go, Maggie’s back turned and she strode away.

No smiles. No lingering glances.

Just the cold shoulder. And Alex left standing there forlornly wishing she could take back everything she just said; the heat of the asphalt cloying now and unwelcome.

Alex bolted upright in bed as the scene blinked out, covered in cold sweat, a confused tension sitting on her chest.  
And next to her Maggie rolled over, woken by the jerking motion.

“Everything ok babe?” she mumbled, wiping sleep from the corner of her eyes as she rose up on her elbows.

Her girlfriend turned to stare at her with wide, red-rimmed eyes for a good thirty seconds; following the lines of her face. 

“I…yeah…yeah, it was just a stupid dream.”

Maggie’s expression softened in the dim light.

“Malverne again?”

Alex’s shake of the head was too insistent to allay Maggie’s fears but she relaxed a little when the taller woman’s arm gripped her shoulder and pulled her back down onto the pillow. Face to face, the Detective leaned in and kissed her lips softly. Hovering next to her; promising that she wasn’t going anywhere.

“You wanna talk about it?”

Alex shook her head again, her eyes begging Maggie to allow her amnesty just for a little.  
If the silent request frustrated her girlfriend, after all the other times she had refused to talk about what she’d been through, Maggie showed no sign of that and simply draped an arm across Alex’s hip.

“Ok well I’m here if you do, yeah?”

Alex gave her a pale smile. “Thanks.”

Warm in Maggie’s sleepy embrace she let her muscles unwind again and though the confusion remained bouncing around her mind, she let Maggie’s sleepy whispered affirmations lull her back into a more restful sleep; the cactus next to her on the bed silently releasing another cloud of spores into the muted air an hour or two later.  
Though neither of them noticed.


	3. Mary Ann

THE NEXT DAY:  
It was 9pm and work had been an absolute bitch. 

First a rich kid with no priors had knocked down an aging couple on Broadhurst and Maine, fleeing from the police cruiser that was called to the scene before crashing into a dime store and injuring the clerk as well. Maggie had inherited the suspect’s interview after the street-cops had come to the end of their shift just as they brought him in house. And on top of sitting opposite that totally unrepentant asshat of a popped-collar city kid, blood tests had revealed a drug in his system that the lab had never seen before. So not only was he on dangerous driving charges, drug driving was going to have to be added to the crime sheet. Something she’d only found out while on her way back from investigating an alien crack house assault, where she’d been forced to pick her way through a grimy dilapidated warehouse building that had been littered with needles and drug paraphernalia that crunched underfoot.  
Way more paraphernalia than was usual.  
She’d been forced to send her boots for deep cleaning once she got back to the station and had had to come home in her sneakers which hadn’t helped her mood any.

On top of that Alex had been way too quiet this morning. Not insular exactly but distant and a little offhand with her as they shared a quick OJ and piece of toast together. Maggie hoped it was simply down to residual lack of sleep, but something small nagging at the back of her mind told her it was more than that. 

Maybe she was overreacting.   
And Alex was safe and sound working the night shift at the DEO to supervise the office rebuild and the cities clean-up crews. ‘No-one else was going to retrofit her lab without her being there’ apparently. Maggie didn’t blame her, she was pretty particular about her own office at headquarters; had earned herself a reprimand when a new team of housekeepers had cleared her desk that one time and she’d ‘accidentally’ broken their brand-new floor buffing machine while searching for her paperwork. But the thought that she wouldn’t get to see her girl till the morning was still hard to bear.   
Stretching out languidly on the couch, shifting her back around to get the gap between the cushions out from the small of her back, Maggie closed her eyes wearily.  
She didn’t sleep well herself these days, not without Alex lying next to her, the soft huff of her breath on a patch of skin near Maggie’s collarbone. That breath told her a multitude of things.   
That Alex was there. Alive and breathing.  
It told her when Alex was stressed because it hit her skin more frequently with stronger force.  
It told her when Alex was having a good dream because she smiled against her skin when that happened.

That didn’t happen so often since Rick Malverne.  
Not in amongst all the flashbacks and whispered apologies Alex mumbled to her in the early hour, before she even rose to consciousness.

No, Maggie’s body had acclimatized to having Alex there, in every cell without her even being aware of it and so she kicked her legs and shuffled around trying to get comfortable.

She finally fell into an uneasy sleep around forty-five minutes later, a cushion wedged under her knees, hair splayed out where she’d been moving around.

And in her dream, she felt them more than heard them- vibrations of feet scuffling down metal stairs flowing through the building above her, tickling the palm she had placed flat on the grimy floor; not caring what stains she might be touching  
And of course, she knew who was coming.  
Surrounded by her team.  
Always in control.

She’d been here before after all.

“Hands where I can see them.”

The low tone of that familiar voice made her grin even as a thought struck.

Why was she always crouched down when Agent Danvers showed up? Always at a disadvantage?

Maggie didn’t wait for the answer to magically appear as she stood up slowly not turning around.

Not giving the other woman that satisfaction straight off.

When she did turn though, the sight of the other woman holding a bulky rocket launcher on her slender shoulders sent a wave of heat tumbling through her, pooling in her stomach.  
Watching everything unfold the way it had during the second time they’d met, she waited for Alex to lower the weapon, to give her that turbulent look so that she could make some comment, some stupid remark about Feds and their fancy fire power but to her surprise Alex didn’t lower her weapon.

Instead she kept it braced on her shoulders, pointing directly at Maggie.  
That puddle of warmth inside her ran cold for a moment.

“Danvers?” she said uncomfortably.

“First you contaminate my crime screen and now you actively interfere in a federal investigation?”

Alex spoke coldly, words that Maggie didn’t recall ever hearing before.

And Maggie couldn’t help herself. Instinctively she bristled at the smug anger on display in front of her even though some part of her was aware that something here was very wrong. Even though she could see some confusion in Alex’s eyes buried underneath all that hostility.

“I detect Agent Danvers, I go where the muse takes me,” she said slowly.

“Perhaps you should find a new muse. Yours seems a little… faulty.”

Maggie’s hands finally dropped to her side though she resisted the urge to clench them into fists.

“You know I heard tales of black ops alien strike teams back at the station.” She pinned Alex with a hard gaze. “They weren’t very complimentary.”

All in black, Agent Danvers shrugged, as much as anyone could with a heavy weapon sitting on their shoulder. “Compliments are for teenage girls.”

What?  
Where was this coming from?

Maggie almost growled in frustration, scratching around for reasons why this whole thing was going so awry, for a reason why that sensation of attraction and gruff respect wasn’t sitting in her gut the way she remembered it.

“You know you’re not as frightening as you think you are,” she said aiming a cool look at the other woman.

Alex’s eyebrows knit together as if something was bothering her too under the surface and finally, slowly she lowered her weapon.

Maggie relaxed a fraction.  
This was more like it.

“It pays to have people think we’re the boogeyman,” Alex said simply. “Fear is a powerful motivator.”

Stepping closer to her, eyes travelling up Alex’s lithe body Maggie hmmed picking her words carefully. “The boogeyman isn’t always what you think they are, that’s kind of the point.” She bit her lip. “Sometimes they aren’t a man at all.”

Alex stared at her, as the rest of her team broke up into factions that began sweeping the warehouse for suspects.

Other suspects, Maggie corrected though she didn’t know where that thought came from. She was a cop not a damn criminal.

“I guess your DEO then, not Secret Service.”

The burning challenge slipped out of her mouth and it felt so familiar that it caused the dimples in her cheeks to show as she waited for an answer.  
A confirmation that the conversation was back on track.  
Some small show of faith between the two of them. Or trust at the very least.

The lack of a response hit her square in the chest though, as did disappointment when Alex didn’t reply but chose to press two fingers to her ear speaking urgently to someone called Winn, as she started co-ordinating with the other members of her party.

Especially when Alex turned away. Began walking up the stairs to the upper floors and suddenly she was left there alone in the dirty warehouse with her suspicions and no answer to hold on to.  
She hadn’t even been worth a confirmation. Or a dismissal.

She hadn’t even been worth a single word.

A righteous anger began to burn through her as she stared up at the metal struts above and the way they shook underneath the boots moving across them one level up.

Where Alex Danvers and her team made their way out.

The best of the best of the best.  
All flash and no substance.

The very things she hated as a street cop.

“Hey babe, babe.”

Coming to fuzzily, her legs kicking out on instinct Maggie only stilled when she felt warm palms cupping her face. Holding her steady.

“I….Alex?” she said with confusion.

Warm brown eyes squinted at her, calming her nerves in an instant, though that sense of frustration was still very much alive deep inside her gut.

“You were frowning and kicking in your sleep.”

Gently pulling back from her girlfriend’s hands, Maggie rubbed her left eye with the back of her knuckles smiling ruefully as Alex knelt down next to the sofa. Bringing them to the same eye level.

Alex glanced at her expectantly and she shrank a little into herself.

“Yeah…I…was just…”

“Having a bad dream?” whispered her girlfriend.

That same frown from a moment ago marred Maggie’s face. “No…not exactly- I was …”

She struggled to put her anxiety into words and just like always, came up short. 

“…I was remembering how we met.”

An expression of hurt crossed Alex’s beautiful face for a moment. “And it wasn’t a happy thought?”

Maggie could have kicked herself. Reaching out she let her fingers hover near Alex’s shoulder. “No- God no, nothing like that. It was just different to how I pictured it. I think. It’s kind of hard to remember now.”

She missed the turbulent expression that flitted across Alex’s face briefly at her description of the dream but what she didn’t miss was the way those soft hands wrapped around her wrist, comforting without being constricting.

“You think work has anything to do with it? National City residents are pretty amped up right now and I know you guys have got some sick leave to cover.”

Alex was offering her an easy out.  
Of course, she was.  
She was too good a person to do anything else.

Maggie struggled with herself, whether to tell her exactly what she had dreamed, how different their relationship had seemed just a few seconds ago but one look at Alex’s concerned expression made her mind up for her. She couldn’t add to her worries not when she was having trouble sleeping herself.  
She had no right to.  
She was supposed to alleviate them not pile things on top.

“I’m just tired, that’s all.”

Choosing not to elaborate Maggie opened her arms up instead, leaving the invitation hanging for her girlfriend to join her under the blanket on the sofa. The decision apparently needed no further forethought because with a low squeal Alex fell on top of her and the pair of them stretched out, a series of limbs and warm skin on their shared couch.

Knowing that she didn’t need to be back at work for a few hours at least, Maggie shifted so that Alex could curl up next to her and allowed her fingers to run gently through her short wavy hair in a calming motion.

“How’s the new office going?”

Alex scowled. “Awful. If I didn’t know any better I’d think they hired a team of monkeys to design it not architects.”

Maggie laughed quietly. “I’m sure they’re doing their best.”

“When their best involves crayons and a paint by numbers kit that’s not very comforting.”

Alex snuggled deeper against her.

“Plus, everyone’s on edge. For every damaged building our teams clear out to make way for the contractors, another one gets overrun by squatters.”

Maggie’s fingers stilled. She knew a lot of the homeless community around town and wasn’t blind to their delight at the damage the Daxamites had done to the city. This was their first and only chance to stay in some of the swankiest places in town with chandeliers and parquet flooring if only for a night. Even with the threat of collapsed ceilings and burst mains. For them, it might as well have been some kind of religious rapture. Their time to live the high life for once. 

She understood exactly why they were doing it.

She sighed inaudibly.

“Do you really blame them?”

“Yes.” Alex grumbled. “We’re trying to make these places safe.”

That frustration inside her that had lain dormant since waking up began to spark.

“Safe for who?”

Alex’s body stopped moving against her.

“What do you mean?”

“Exactly that. Safe for who? For everybody in town looking for a place to hole up or for the starch-collared folk who own them?” Maggie asked heatedly. “They’re the only ones who really matter, right?”

Alex fell quiet.  
And Maggie cursed herself in the silence.

Crap.

This wasn’t Alex’s fault.  
She hadn’t made any of the decisions regarding city maintenance, she was simply helping co-ordinate them, to do the best she could from inside an office.

Maggie had no idea where that wide river of exasperation inside her belly had sprung from but she had no right to take it out on the woman she loved, no right at all so she tilted the other woman’s chin up so that she could make eye contact. So that she could show her how sorry she was.

Alex still refused to look at her but Maggie could see moisture on her eyelashes, and tenderly brushed some away with the pad of her thumb,

“Al…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. I don’t know where that came from.”

She was almost glad for a moment that she couldn’t see those hazel eyes of her girlfriend’s or the hurt contained in them.  
The stiffness in Alex’s spine told her enough.  
With her left hand under the blanket she let her fingers splay gently against the small of Alex’s back.  
When she didn’t flinch away she began massaging the skin there, pushing outwards with her fingertips in small grooves.

“I really didn’t mean it Al.”

The rigidity under her fingers loosened with each stroke relieving the guilt caught in her ribcage.

“All this stuff’s really done a number on us huh?” Alex said in a whisper.

Maggie didn’t need to ask to what exactly she was talking about. This was about Rick. Rhea and her Daxamite invasion. Kara’s sacrifice. The unsaid things between the two of them. It was everything. All piling in on top of each other; never giving them the chance to breathe. To recuperate.

“Only if we let it.” Maggie said insistently. “And we’re not gonna let it, right?”

Alex didn’t answer her.  
Of course, she didn’t.  
She never did when the answer was an important one.

What the hell are you talking about?

Maggie rebuked herself internally for the thought, gripping Alex tighter, drawing her to her.  
That wasn’t true. Alex loved her. With everything she had.  
And Alex would tell her everything once she was ready.

Jeez, maybe she really was beat from work.

Lying half on top of her Alex didn’t seem to pick up on the internal debate raging inside her girlfriend.  
That was one thing Maggie was grateful for at least.

“Love you Mags,” she murmured finally. Contentedly.  
With a small metal ball still sitting inside her gut, Maggie tried to smile as she kissed the top of her head.  
“Right back at ya kid.” She whispered. “Right back at ya.”

The two of them lay like that until sleep took them somewhere else entirely.  
Neither noticing the small silent puff that came from Mary-Ann deep in the early hours of the morning.


	4. Marsha P

It was less than twelve hours later, after her shift was rolling into its fourth hour that Maggie found herself called to the DEO on official police business.

When a loud siren had blared past the apartment in the early hours pulling them from their sleep, both her and Alex had realised with surprise that their shifts had cosmically aligned for once and somehow, they both had the morning off. Together.  
An unexpected luxury.  
With appreciation, they allowed themselves the gift of sleeping in until ten on the couch, neither having the energy to pull themselves to their feet and drag the other towards the king size bed they usually shared. 

Unfortunately, when Alex’s watch alarm began beeping insistently as mid-morning rolled around, forcing them to sleepily untangle themselves from one another, that strange tension from last night still seemed to present in the heavy air of the room.   
Not even the wonder of a lazy morning off capable of making it disperse. 

Dragging themselves up from the couch, wincing at the matching cricks in their necks and grinning at the embroidery patterns pressed into their cheeks, the gulf between them was still there. They both felt it.  
In the way Alex turned her body slightly away to stretch out her shoulders and hips. In the way Maggie let her, rearranging the rugs and cushions around her to save Alex the job. In the way they padded separately into the bathroom to brush their teeth without having to ask.

It didn’t stop Alex from offering to cook though. And it didn’t stop her from being overwhelmingly relieved when Maggie crept over and suggested with a twinkle in her eye that maybe they should head to the local café for a continental breakfast and a vat of the world’s strong black coffee.

“The artisanal one on Westmore?” 

“Hell no.” Maggie pffted. “We’re not giving our hard-earned money to anyone who claims avocado toast is an expression of cultural relativism. It’s bread and fruit Aly. Bread. And fruit.”

Slipping her fingers through Maggie’s next to her hip, the DEO agent finally breathed a little easier when Maggie reached up on tiptoe and kissed her lightly on the lips. 

“Besides we should honour our new family. Our cosmopolitan cactus babies would want us to support the local minority businesses, right?’ she’d whispered against her cheek and really who was Alex to argue.

So, that’s what they done. And it had been amazing.  
Just hanging out, reading out dating ads in the paper that made them laugh and silently thanking their lucky stars that they’d found each other and the sweet elderly Dominican lady who made the best Santo Domingo expresso in the whole city.  
It was almost perfect.  
Like nothing could ever be wrong.

But inevitably work came back around the way it always did.

That afternoon Maggie’s first hour had been spent typing up reports from the night shift sweeps of the homeless enclaves that were now full to bursting. After almost fifty minutes of documenting how bad the situation had become, with families holed up in the ruins around town, she couldn’t take it anymore. She had found herself striding upstairs to the Mayor’s office on the twelfth floor and without even bothering to make an appointment, walking straight in. That impulsiveness hadn’t gone down too well. Her suggestion that the multi-national corporation’s new swanky apartment blocks on the other side of town that were only thirty percent occupied would make a much better home for the families than the run-down community centres offered by local government hacks had gotten an even less positive response. But it made sense, didn’t it? Putting those poor people in a place with the appropriate plumbing and private shower facilities. Making them feel less like a burden. More like a disenfranchised group that had never wanted to cause media sensations at a series of snooty PTA committee meetings. Where angry white folk stood up to complain because these families’ presence at the school had interfered with some kid’s trombone practice.

She was practically shoved out of the Mayor’s office by security after a swift and patronizing lecture on business acumen, city cashflow and the importance of massaging the egos of the multi-millionaire’s who kept National City in the red. The whole situation left her infuriated and in need of a drink.

She hadn’t gone to the bar though. Mostly because as she was jogging back down to the precinct her cell rang and it was J’onn asking her to come over to DEO HQ when she had a minute.  
Well she had more than a minute now.  
And she needed a distraction stat.

So, she’d made her way straight down to the parking lot after quickly grabbing her duffel bag, stuffing everything she’d need inside and had climbed onto her bike hoping the drive might cool her down some.

She had ridden past the bar on her way, listening to its siren song as she passed.  
Not deaf to it. Whisky had a particular call that she recognised- a smooth chirp that hung in the air like a wren’s call.  
But she had work to do. And Alex would be there.  
That was reason enough to park up in the visitor’s space next to the huge white cinderblock building. Maybe they’d have a chance to talk. Really talk.  
About last night.  
About the dream.  
About a lot of things.

It was strange- she hadn’t actually been that surprised by J’onn’s request to come in when she took the call.  
Maybe by the fact that J’onn had been the one to make it himself and hadn’t delegated the job to one of his agents but honestly, after the decimation wrought by the Daxamite invasion, the city council had been overwhelmed by the scope of the disaster relief program needed. And from what little Alex had said last night she knew there were big problems co-ordinating the affair. It would make sense to have NCPD involved, if only to speak to the locals known to them and allay their fears about being pushed out of the areas they called home once they were rebuilt.

It was a legitimate fear if you asked her.

Parking up, it wasn’t long before Maggie was jogging up the white stairwell, running through the information her Captain had verbally given her two days ago as she thought about the best way to combat the nightmare the city was going through right now.

His report had detailed a series of twelve high rise apartment blocks on the East side of the river that had been designated unsafe for their tenants. The result being that alternative accommodation was needed to house the fifty-eight families, at least in some kind of temporary capacity. So far five divisions of NCPD had been drafted in to help the mass evacuation to leisure centres and school halls that would provide their home for the foreseeable future but it wasn’t enough to keep things moving efficiently. These people were panicky. Overwhelmed. Devastated by the loss of their belongings, their homes. And having someone telling them to leave the area no matter how kindly those words were said wasn’t going to help. They needed counselling. Spaces to form their own groups so they could share their feelings with people who had experienced the same things they had. Access to healthcare and medicines for chronic conditions triggered by the change in routine, the added stress of being dispossessed. Of being homeless after paying taxes and working their whole lives.

Tension ran through the sinews of her stomach muscles at the thought.

 

But none of that mattered because now she was here at the DEO instead. With people who could help. Really help. With Alex.

She was hoping that she could ask her quietly, off to the side somewhere if maybe their equipment had the capability to scan building materials and identify unoccupied apartments with individual private owners who could be spoken to. Convinced to take their properties off the market just while these people could stay there and get on their feet again. And hell, she was quite happy to do that convincing herself. More than happy.  
At least then she could feel like she was doing something.  
Anything to help.

When she got to the main office, Maggie made her way straight to the lab where she knew her girlfriend would be. Alex’s eyes lit up at the sight of her and glancing around for observers she pulled Maggie in for a warm hug, nuzzling into her neck for the briefest moment.

Maggie felt the loss when they both pulled back.

“So, what’s on your mind?”

Maggie blinked. “What do you mean?”

Alex crossed her arms. “You have mission face.”

“That’s not a thing.”

“You have mission face and a classic case of denial about mission face,” said Alex with a smirk.

Maggie stared her down, crossing her own arms but she couldn’t hold the posture for long, not when Alex drew her lab-coat around her and pursed her lips, glasses balanced firmly on her nose; the look all business and intimidation. 

“Damn. Ok fine, Miss Marple.”

“Yeah!”

Alex pumped a fist completely obliterating the intimidating persona from a second ago. And before she could get lost in that adorable dorky move, Maggie quickly outlined her idea, the words coming out so fast that it was hard to keep up as she sketched out the details her boss had given her. 

When she was done, Alex paused smiling at her and leaned down to kiss her cheek.

“We’re a bit stretched Mags but I promise I’ll do my best.” 

Holding up a finger, Alex drew away for a moment, speaking in hushed tones to a team out in the DEO helicopter surveying the city. 

She should have been grateful. It wasn’t a no.  
Far from it.  
It was an ‘I’ll try,” at worst.  
And she knew Alex would.  
And not just because she was the one asking.

But to be honest, she had been expecting an ‘of course’ or ‘sure thing’ when she asked and the slightly non-committal response stung a little, though she knew Alex would fight her corner as best she could.  
She was being unreasonable.  
Was just tired from last night.  
Right?

Pushing that particular frustration to the back of her mind Maggie rolled her shoulders to release some of the tension that seemed to be becoming almost second nature at this point.  
Now all she could do was wait for the Air Team’s report before doing hers. However long that might take.

Leaving Alex to her conversation, Maggie wandered around the half-refurbished room being careful not to disturb anything. Checking her phone, she groaned when a message showed up on screen stating that J’onn had been called into an emergency meeting for the next hour or so though. 

Great.   
What the hell was she supposed to do for the next sixty minutes? 

For the first twenty, Maggie silently shadowed her girlfriend as she went through the architects plans for her new med bay, correcting them when they mispronounced some fancy piece of equipment they’d be installing then explaining excitedly exactly what it would do.

It was incredibly cute- the geek inside peeking through in the midst of badass Agent Danvers going about her business and it caused a wide smile to show on Maggie’s face whenever she saw it from the corner of the room.  
Goddamn despite everything, she was one lucky woman.  
No-one could deny that.

“Hey earth to space-gay…”

Maggie turned at the interruption to her thoughts only to find Winn smiling at her from his console nearby; a series of dinosaurs placed on top.  
She couldn’t help forcing the smile off her face when she saw him.

“What did you call me?”

Winn suddenly looked a little nervous and she had to fight not to laugh as she held his hands up in surrender.

“Uh…nothing Detective Sawyer.”

She crossed her arms. “Damn right. Because we both know I could take you down without even coming over there.”

He nodded in agreement but a crinkle appeared between his eyebrows as he peered at her. “Hey, you ok?”

She cocked her head. “Of course, why do you ask?”

“Uh- nothing. You’re just a little pale is all. And you’re kind of a little red around the eyes…”

She hardened her gaze again and his eyes went wide. “Not that I was staring into them or anything…I mean Alex would cut me the second I…uh, not that that’s a good enough reason to keep my male gaze to myself…” 

It was at that point that she decided to take pity on him and wandered over running a hand through her hair.

“Stop before you have bust a blood vessel, Winn.”

He blew out a breath with gratitude.

“Just haven’t been sleeping well is all. It happens.”

He grimaced in sympathy. “Yeah the end of the world can do that to you.”

Hesitating, deciding whether to say anything else he peeked over at the med bay, lowering his voice. “I’m guessing Alex is having similar problems?”

Maggie’s head swivelled from Winn to Alex and back to Winn, a scowl on her face.

“She’s snapped at a few of our colleagues once or twice today. Even threatened to demote one of them for using the last of the decaf coffee without replacing the tin. It isn’t like her,” he clarified.

She raised an eyebrow and he caught her meaning.

“There’s snippy and there’s… mean you know? She’s kind of being skirting the edge a little more closely than usual.”

Unsettled at the observation, Maggie glanced across at her girlfriend’s slender back, decked out all in white. Then back at Winn.

“She doesn’t do it when you’re here.” Winn said answering her unasked question. “You make her feel calmer I think just being around.”

Something tugged at the back of her mind.

“Speaking of that…”

Maggie trotted over to where her duffel bag was stashed and quickly unzipped it.  
Pulling out a small cactus, she showed it to Winn with a bright smile. Originally, she had been going to put it on her own desk at the station. To make that space peaceful when everyone else was losing their heads. But maybe Alex needed it more than she did, right now.

Winn was staring at her at the thing in her hands and honestly, it took all her energy not to blush.

“Thought it might brighten up her desk…when I’m not here,” she stuttered.

“That’s adorable.” 

“Nothing I do is adorable Schott.” Maggie frowned. “Intimidating and hardcore yes. Adorable absolutely not.”

His gaze returned to his screen. “Duly noted ma’am. Consider me suitably terrified.”

She wandered away to place it on the edge of Alex’s desk next to her PC screen.  
Accidentally brushing against one of the spines in her need to place it perfectly in line with the monitor she hissed when it punctured her finger and sucked on it gently.

“Play nice,” she growled at it. “We’re on the same team.”  
A strange foreboding hit her at those words and she had no idea why.  
So, she simply brushed the feeling off.

“Is that for me?”

Maggie turned a little guiltily to find Alex standing there chuckling.

“Did you buy a job lot of those?”

“Nah. The florist was kind of cool; she gave me a couple of extra ones free when I told her my girlfriend was one of the badass women who saved National City last week.”

Alex’s face fell. “Mags, I didn’t do that- that was all Kara and you guys out on the street.”

Well she wasn’t having any of that.  
Marching towards her girlfriend, Maggie softly cupped her elbows holding her uncertain gaze. “Danvers, we all played our part. You. Me. Kara. Even Winn here.”

“I’m one of the badass women you were talking about?” he interjected with a totally ridiculous level of excitement.

Maggie’s gaze didn’t waver. “Something like that Schott. Don’t make this a thing.”

“Awesome.”

The smile she could picture him wearing as he continued typing furiously on his keypad made her shake her head before returning her gaze to Alex who was also grinning by now.

“You went through Hell just like the rest of us. Maybe more because it was your sister in that damn fight.”

With trembling fingers, she brushed a piece of wavy hair behind her girlfriend’s ear. “And you got through it when you weren’t even fully recovered from…everything else that happened.”

Alex dipped her head with self-criticism burning behind her pupils but Maggie wasn’t about to let that get the better of her. Hooking a finger under her chin, she lifted her face upwards.

“I’m ok you know.”

Maggie swallowed. “I never said you weren’t. But you don’t have to be ok every minute of every day. You can have time off from being fine and dandy. We’re all right here for you to lean on when those moments come.”

With wide tear stained eyes Alex nodded briefly before pulling her tight against her body.

“And Marsha P. Johnson here agrees with me on that,” mumbled Maggie breathing in her scent.

Alex laughed into the skin underneath her ear.

“Does she now?”

“Yeah she told me on the ride over.”

Alex pulled back with a small sniffle. “You’re having intimate discussions with a plant and I’m the one who has to see a therapist?”

Maggie offered her a smirk as she dug her hands into her pockets to keep from running them across Alex’s pale skin. “The world is a topsy-turvy place.”

“Ain’t that the truth.”

“You got a session today?”

Alex peered around her as if checking to see whether anyone else was listening and the movement sent a wave of anxiety rush through her girlfriend’s bloodstream as she watched Alex nod one more time. This was a subject they didn’t discuss much. 

“Well say hi to her from me,” Maggie said awkwardly.

“What makes you think I’ve even told her about you?”

Any other time that question would have given her pause but the playful glint in Alex’s eye told Maggie that she was teasing her.

“Because I’m a very important person who delivers words of wisdom and radical feminist topiary to the needy. And all on a civil servant’s wage.”

Alex laughed, a short sweet sound that hit Maggie raw in the chest standing there in the DEO.

“You’re right.” Alex said placing her hand against her cheek. “That is important work.”

“The most important of all,” said Maggie eyes shining. “And I’ll fight anyone who says differently.”


	5. Sylvia

Tonight was date night   
And Alex was buzzing despite the fact that her lab was nowhere near completion and she’d had to sit through another department mandated therapy session yesterday.

Because of their schedules and the nature of their jobs her and Maggie usually didn’t have set days for anything. Breakfast yesterday had been a pretty good example of that. Since any kind of situation could develop at any time, human, alien or otherwise they had found that they just had to make spur of the moment plans whenever they could.  
She was a planner though, a pre-empter through and through, always had been even when she’d been a teenager; when she’d bought herself a new trapper-keeper and filled it with post-it notes and loose-leaf ideas for chem-club experiments and chess strategies. She had always been the organizer. And less than six months ago the thought of living any other way would have given her a killer case of acid heartburn

So, this new way of living was a big change for her.   
A huge one.

And yet.  
Once she’d gotten her head around losing a tiny slice of that control over things that she’d always clung to so desperately; not knowing what a night would bring was kind of…electrifying. It was exhilarating in a way that Alex never could have predicted.

Because now there was Maggie. That was the difference. Beautiful, supportive, adorably bad-ass Maggie Sawyer, all leather jacket and planetary eyes. And because it was her, because she always checked in to see if it would be ok to try something new, to make a point of stating that she wouldn’t be mad if Alex said no; these small changes in her routine, in the heart of who she was, didn’t instinctively make her want to suck in a breath or put her head between her knees. They made her want to say yes. Made her want to be that care-free person that made Maggie smile.   
They made her want to be better.  
As much as she could.

So even though she had been fighting the beginnings of a headache for the last two days and had chastised the painters twice already for using acrylic polymer based paint in her new med Bay (and yes, she could tell by the consistency and smell, she was a biochemist if they wanted to see her degrees thank you very much) Alex flew through the traffic to have a quick afternoon nap before getting ready.

When she got back to the apartment she threw her clothes off as she tracked through the lounge, falling face first into the bed, reaching out a tired arm to set her alarm for an hour’s time.

She was barely underneath the covers before she fell asleep.  
When Alex’s dream swung into focus behind her tired eyes.  
And she found herself back in a dive bar she knew so well.

Everything was new to her this time though. This was the first time she had come here. With Maggie. She remembered it in inch-perfect detail; the low lights and the pool tables nestled in the back. The smell of intrigue and beer floating through the air.  
When Maggie had given the password and she’d been led inside, it hadn’t been what she was expecting at all.  
And Maggie knew that. Her eyes when they turned to check on her were daring and a little more guarded than usual, though still beautiful of course.

Alex had tried to shake it off, the nerves and all the adrenaline buzzing through her and that little check in had helped a lot in calming her down.

Except it wasn’t working so well now.  
In fact, it wasn’t helping at all.

As they made their way inside, Maggie’s hand clinging to hers, a wave of anxiety slammed into the base of her skull, a knotty headache she was sure hadn’t been there before blooming with each step they took towards the counter. Her skin felt like it had been soaked and salted, as she realised Maggie had brought her here to show her something.  
Something important.  
She should have known that Alex wasn’t fond of being on the back foot like this.  
She felt over-dressed. Under-prepared.  
Exposed in all the worst ways.

And beneath those strip lights confronted by the stench of smoke and hops that headache that had begun pulsing at the top of her spinal cord bloomed into a full migraine, sweeping through her skull at top speed.  
Alex froze, trying to get her bearings.  
She didn’t remember that pounding in her ear. That hadn’t been there before, had it?  
She would have remembered if it had. Surely?

Scrunching up her eyes for a second she opened them unwillingly when they began to water.

“What do you see?”

Maggie’s face was closed off. It was an honest question she was asking, one that had seemed appropriate at the time but now, all of a sudden Alex felt as if she were being tested and she didn’t like the sensation at all.

“A series of questionable life choices,” she answered with gritted teeth, trying to offset the pain in her forehead.

The response slipped out of her mouth like honey, like it was what she had wanted to say all along and though she regretted it, she couldn’t deny the relief she felt when it came out.

She felt Maggie’s stance harden in surprise though.

“Hey, you ok?”

God, how she hated that question. Always had, even when she was clearly anything but. It was just so leading. So insinuating. Her brain pulsed wildly for a moment making thinking almost impossible and she felt herself clamming up.

Alex’s training kicked in without her even calling on it, and her hand slid to the pistol tucked into the back of her jeans belt, the calloused handle calming her just by its very presence. She never intended to do anything with it, never intended to pull it out or even show it- she just wanted to feel it’s weight. But suddenly Maggie’s hand was pulling hers insistently away.

“Hey hey whoa, easy easy.”

Alex turned to the other woman, intending to plead with her that she hadn’t been about to do what Maggie thought, that she was just calming herself down but Maggie’s confused apprehensive expression caused the words to die in her throat.

“This isn’t called Safe Haven for nothing, Danvers. It’s a place to help those who need a reminder than they’re not quite as alone as they think they are. Remember? You can’t just pull your weapon when you have a freak out. The movement alone will get us unwanted attention.”

A freak out.

The only word Alex registered was freak. She didn’t wonder where that comment had come from. Why it felt so out of place. So new.

God, her brain felt as if it were about to pound right through her eye socket and the cloying atmosphere wasn’t helping any. 

Neither were the accusations in those chocolate brown eyes in front of her.  
Or the hand still resting on hers atop her revolver.   
Restraining her.

This was all wrong.

It was that restraining hand more than anything else that short circuited her brain.  
Pushing Maggie’s hand off hers, shoving her away she tried not to notice the hurt look staring back at her as trembling, she zipped her jacket back up.

Just explain, she’ll understand.  
Why wouldn’t she?

Alex wanted to apologise, to grab her head with both hands and let Maggie massage her temples to take the pain away, to change things back to the way she remembered them being- bright and easy but her muscles didn’t seem to let her. They went rigid, locking her in place.

All she could do was look up, “Maggie, I can’t…”

Those warm brown eyes staring back were now liquid paraffin.

“I don’t know how to exp….”

Before the words would come out, a bolt of something strong and viscous rocketed through her nervous system and she knew she had to get out. Get away.

From this place.  
From that judgemental gaze.  
So she shut down, like she always did.

“I have to go.”

“What?! We just got here!”

“Thanks for the show and tell, we’ll do this another time ok?”

Trying to ignore the wounded look on Maggie’s face Alex turned on her heel and walked out the door, pushing her way past the heavyset bodyguard out into the open air. She took a moment to rest her throbbing forehead on the brickwork outside. But she couldn’t just leave like that. She couldn’t. Not hard ass Agent Danvers. 

With a frustrated sigh, edging her way through a pile of garbage Alex peered back into the neon-soaked bar window searching inside for a glimpse of leather and dark hair.

She saw her almost immediately.

Leaning up against the bar forlornly.  
A dark-haired woman nearby.  
The woman said something and Alex wished for a moment that she couldn’t read lips.

“Detective Sawyer,” the woman seemed to say with a shy smile. So, they knew each other.

“Care to join me for a peach mojito?”

Maggie shook her head, “Thanks but I prefer to drink alone.”

“All the best people do.”

The woman motioned at herself. “I’m a pretty good listener.”

Not saying anything else, Maggie sat herself down on the bar stool next to her.

And that’s all Alex saw before she turned away again.

Her body stiffened deep in circadian rhythms until a blaring alarm burrowed its way into her brain, rousing her from sleep. From the dream.  
Back to reality.

Leaning blearily up on her elbows, hair across her face, that sense of betrayal and self-recrimination continued to surge through her.

What the hell was that?

She didn’t have time to figure it out though; hell, she barely had time to dress and head out.

Scrambling up, she quickly found two Paracetamol tablets in the bedroom drawer and swallowed them dry.

Grabbing a gold tank top and dark skinny jeans from her closet, she only stopped when she came face to face with herself in the mirror.  
With her gaunt face and eye-bags.

“It’ll have to do,” she murmured quietly.

She was out the door before she could convince herself not to go.

========

Pulling up on her Ducati at the back of the bar, Alex pushed her helmet off and in one smooth motion, lifted her leg free so that she was free-standing in the parking lot. From the outside, it still looked like a dive, the trash bins overflowing with black bags, the brick walls lined with half empty beer bottles and suspicious marks. It was a hell of a disguise.   
Exactly how she remembered it from her dream. 

A rivulet of unease flowed through her at the sight, her hands itching for rubbing alcohol or some kind of hand wipe but she tamped the sensation down…because that was just a stupid nightmare. The ravings of a tired brain.  
Nothing more.

“Nice ride,” said Maggie with a smirk stepping out from the shadows.

Jumping, Alex tried to cover her mini heart-attack by placing one hand on her hip.

“You know you can wait inside for me, right? I do remember my way around by now.”

Maggie grinned, “Maybe I didn’t wanna waste a single second staring at suspect stains on the floor when I could be looking at you.”

Alex blushed as she unzipped her leather jacket. “Such a charmer.”

“You must inspire it in me.”

Alex held herself still as Maggie sauntered across the ground, pretending to play some kind of instrument with her fingers as if her whole body wasn’t vibrating with the need to touch her. Like one of those yogi’s in India they’d watched a documentary about

“You calling me a snake?” murmured Alex and Maggie’s eyes shone in the streetlight above.

“I would never say such a thing.” Reaching behind her she pulled the cowl of her jacket up. “Though you do have the hood and the piercing eyes…”

A light smack to her arm made her yelp before a laugh followed.

She held her hand out then and took Alex’s fingers, interlacing them with her own. “Come on Danvers, time’s awasting and there was some godawful punk rock playing on the jukebox when I came out that you’ll probably love.”

Maggie’s fingers felt warm and safe clasping her own so Alex let her pull her along, a familiar gesture that kept her skin heated underneath her jacket. Reaching the door, she let Maggie take the lead and knock three times before the slat was pulled unceremoniously open.

“Better get to Livin,” drawled Maggie.

The peephole closed again and the door swung open.

Noticing the quirked eyebrow Maggie stopped.

“They ran out of the well-known Dolly Parton songs a month back. Now we’re onto the B-Sides.” 

Huh.

Hand still linked they moved inside through the grotty corridor and into the bar.

When Alex stopped, scanning the room for a table, Maggie snuck behind her and rested a chin in the crook of her shoulder.

“What do you see?” she husked.

It was a familiar refrain, one they played out each time they came here.  
The sweetest of commemorations for the first time Alex had found herself in the bar. But this time it sent wildfire coursing through her belly.

“…A hundred distinct kinds of bacteria that could kill me?” she managed to get out.

“You hunt killer aliens for a living, I think you’ll survive a little rustic charm.”

Feet planted firmly in place Alex tried to smile. “Rustic charm is what leads to tetanus outbreaks and the return of diseases like Smallpox, Sawyer.”

She also tried to put up some kind of mild protest when Maggie dragged her forward but her heart and her head were in conflict right now and she wasn’t focused enough to hold her ground.  
Truth be told her heart was currently dancing up against her ribcage like some kind of caged ballerina; its movements somehow dainty and inept at the same time.

Keeping her hand in Alex’s Maggie quickly led them to a booth in the back and sliding into the leather seats, pulled her girlfriend with her so that they were sat side by side.  
They snuggled up against one another as Alex found her fingers being gently splayed out on the table in front of them with Maggie taking the time to run hers slowly up and down each one in turn.

The whole thing was so sweet and delicate that it took her breath away.  
And, she was so entranced by the motion and the sensation that she didn’t notice how quiet Maggie had gotten for a moment or two.

“You seem a little on edge.”

Alex blinked, trying not to take that as an accusation. 

“Says the woman who full on shouted at the Mayor yesterday in her own office.”

Maggie’s face fell. “How d’you know about that?”

“People talk.”

The brunette lowered her head, “I just wanted my reservations on record.”

Alex nudged her shoulder, watching her expression. “I get it.”

Maggie sighed causing that wave of anxiety in Alex’s stomach to grow.

“You can elaborate on that if you want?” the taller woman said shakily and Maggie bit her lip, a sure signal that she was trying to choose her next words carefully.

“That’s kind of ironic coming from you.”

Alex stiffened and Maggie knew instantly she hadn’t found the right way to say what she had meant. Shuffling so that their faces were a little closer, she stared apologetically at her girlfriend.

“No, no, I didn’t mean…that wasn’t…it’s just you’re not exactly one for talking about your feelings either.”

Alex couldn’t argue with that.  
But that didn’t stop her from pulling away at the insinuation.

“You know I haven’t been sleeping and…”

“I know that,” Maggie said a little desperately, shadows playing across her face. “Neither of us have but that doesn’t explain all the things that…”

Alex’s stomach bottomed out.  
She could practically hear the pulse pounding in her girlfriend’s neck and forced herself not to speak. Decided to let Maggie follow through on her train of thought without interrupting no matter how hard that was.

Maggie sucked in a breath.

“I just- are you sure this…all of this isn’t too much for you?”

That threw her for a loop. Alex’s eyes went wide. 

“All of this what? Dim lighting and the dubious use of deodorant products?” 

It was stupid. A way to try and keep the mood light despite the fact that she wanted nothing more than to exit this conversation but Maggie simply kept staring at their hands. 

“Us. Working together. Practically living together. Spending so much time…”

Words seemed to desert her for a moment and gave Alex the opportunity to place her other shaking hand on top of Maggie’s.

“No. It’s not too much.” She said earnestly. “Sometimes…sometimes it’s not even close to being enough and other times when I’m tired and the day has gone on forever it’s the perfect amount but no Mags, it’s never too much. Don’t ever think that.”

Leaning her head onto Maggie’s shoulder she breathed in her scent to calm the worries that were springing up underneath her skin.

“Where’s this coming from?”

The way Maggie’s cheek shifted under her ear told her that she was working out how to answer the question.

Maggie paused again. “I know you don’t like to talk about what’s happened recently, Al, how it’s affected you, how scared you were…and that’s ok. A lot of it I can figure out from the way you move. The way your voice changes.

“You’re a detective. You detect,” she confirmed softly.

“Right.” Soft lips quirked upwards. “But you’ve gone from having your own space, deciding when you want to spending time with people to being monitored at work twenty-four seven”

“They’re not…”

Maggie turned to look at her for the first time, her dark eyes wide and plaintive; her fingers dropping to rest lightly on Alex’s hip.

“I’m not judging. I’m not. But with Kara AWOL a lot of the time right now, I’m all you’ve got. And I’m so beyond happy to do that it’s just…”

Alex froze as Maggie’s index finger skimmed the small of her back; the ghost of Maggie’s fingers sitting on a non-existent revolver stashed in her waistband.  
Restraining her.  
Keeping her in check. 

The way Malverne had, grabbing her wrists in that elevator, slamming them up against the wall with a cold fury she never saw coming.

“Just what…” prompted Alex with hot tears in her eyes.

Maggie hated that catch in Alex’s voice. It filled her with guilt that moved through her veins like an oil spill.  
But they needed to do this.  
To say this. Even if it stung.

Closing her eyes to try and hack her way through the reeds that kept the words she desperately wanted to say out of sight, the detective’s face flushed.

Alex squeezed her own shut too.  
And suddenly she wasn’t in the bar anymore. She was back at that first crime scene, cold eyes staring her down.  
She was in that warehouse where she thought she’d been doing her job so well, keeping the other woman safe and all she’d gotten for it was anger and recrimination.  
All she could see were the ways she hadn’t been good enough in those moments; how real and cutting they’d felt.  
She couldn’t remember anything but hard eyes staring back at her.  
Waiting to cut her down.

And suddenly Alex couldn’t wait for whatever was coming next.  
It could only be terrible. Could only be another litany on how she should be doing better.  
Or some speech on how Maggie had tried, really given it her all but Alex was making things too difficult to fight.  
And she’d had just about enough of those from her mother.

Without warning Alex dragged her hands free from Maggie’s and eyes blowing wide, she stumbled to her feet out onto the main floor.

“I can’t do this right now.”

Her girlfriend’s gaze softened as she tried to slide across the plastic seating, “Alex, no you don’t understand what I’m trying…”

Maggie moved to get up but Alex held up a hand to ask her to stay put.

She was practically shaking.

“I know this is something we need to…that has to be…but I need time to figure out how to hear this and still keep it together.”

Maggie’s heart almost broke in her chest at the sight of a trembling Alex wrapping her hands around herself.

“Al…”

“Please Mags…”

The standing woman blinked back tears, “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry that I’m so bad at this.”

With that admission she fled the place, bumping into a bearded man standing nearby. leaving Maggie sitting there forlornly, torn between following her and giving Alex the space she’d just asked for.

Maggie turned a little only to stare at the table in front of her with its array of empty bottles and soggy coasters.

“I heard what Kara said to you on the balcony before she left.” She mumbled to herself. “I just want you to be sure you’re not… doing all this, pushing yourself to spend so much time with me because she made you promise you would. That’s all.”

That’s what she had been trying to say.  
As ineloquently as ever.

Staring around the bar at the assortment of occupants slumped over their stools, she let her head rest back on the leather padding of the seat.

So much for date night.  
Goddamn. 

“Is this a bad time?”

Maggie’s brow furrowed though her eyes didn’t open. She knew that voice though, from somewhere.

“I can leave you to it, if it is.”

Slowly dragging her eyes open she found the tall willowy redhead from the flower shop standing there awkwardly, her hair done up in a neat crimson plait that wound down her right shoulder.

“You saw that?” she said wearily.

“Only the tail end.” Holding her bottle of beer, the other woman pursed her lips. “I’m guessing that’s not exactly how you saw tonight going?”

Maggie’s raised eyebrow was answer enough and it seemed to give the florist a small burst of courage.

“I don’t mind being your consolation buddy for a few minutes, if you like.”

Maggie went to shake her head, to say no, that she was heading out, heading home but the proffered white poppy that appeared an inch away in the other woman’s outstretched hand prompted her to take it, if only for the sake of manners.

She sniffed it, inhaling the unusual scent that made the insides of her nose itch.

“She’ll come around you know.”

Not trusting herself to speak, Maggie nodded politely as the whole of her face tingled for a moment.

“You’ll see. What’s meant to be will be.”

She smiled reassuringly at Maggie holding up her beer for the detective to clink it slowly with her own.


	6. Roots

Maggie groaned tiredly and it was only when a few heads turned to look at her with accusation in their tired eyes that she realised she’d done it out loud.  
Great.   
Now the Goon Squad were going to be on her back all day about late nights with her lady.  
Little did they know.

She’d barely gotten any sleep last night; maybe half an hour at most. When she’d excused herself and made her way home an hour after Alex had left her there the apartment had been silent, the only light coming from the free-standing lamp in the lounge that Alex had left on for her.

She was grateful for it; that she was still there in Alex’s thoughts at least in some small way.  
But when she’d tiptoed through into their bedroom there had been no sign of her girlfriend, only a neatly made bed and that damn dog-eared cardboard box pushed up against the dresser. She figured then that Alex must have gone to sleep in the spare room and the realisation had sent a flush of guilt and recriminations right through her system.

All she had wanted to do was go check on the other woman. Make sure she was all right. Just crack the door a little and make certain she was there.  
But Alex was the lightest sleeper she knew and they’d never gotten around to oiling the hinges on the door to the spare bedroom. Even that small act would wake her up.  
And she couldn’t bring herself to do that.

Besides. Something inside was telling her that she’d already pushed her too hard with the beginnings of the conversation she’d initiated at the bar. That she’d overplayed her hand this time.

Resisting every urge in her body that begged her to make her way down the hall, she’d shucked off her clothes instead and slipped into bed, nestling in her usual space knowing the whole time that sleep was never going to come.   
Knowing all too well that the cold sheets and wrinkle-free pillow under her head were no substitute for the warm presence she needed so desperately.  
She just lain there the whole night, eyes staring at the ceiling, mind tormented by things she should have said differently, should have held back on a few hours before.

========

Maggie headed out to work coated in the same weary silence that lingered over the whole apartment, grabbing a double expresso in a cheap attempt to get her head in the game. The taste of it, burning hot on her tongue was refreshing but it didn’t change the fact that Alex’s deer in the headlights expression from last night was stuck on replay in her head and the more it repeated, the worse she felt. The more she wanted to scream that she was in Alex’s corner. Always.  
How could Alex not know that by now?

She’d earned some level of trust hadn’t she after everything they’d gone through?  
After more ride and die moments than anyone could ever have predicted.  
She’d earned some goddamn faith.

Scrubbing a tired hand across her face, Maggie tried to focus on the report in front of her. Detailing the contraband found in a raid on a newly set up drugs lab last night, she methodically went through the acquisitions.  
One jimmied extractor fan.  
Multiple Erlenmeyer flasks. Volumetric flasks.  
Seven Bunsen burners.

Scanning down to the bottom she frowned.  
Three samples of a dried powdery substance had been bagged and tagged and though it had been checked by the on-site Spectrometer and Chromatograph kits, it had come back as unknown. A new hybrid compound that had been sent for further analysis.

Maggie’s frown deepened.

No wonder the guys looked so beat in the office.  
It didn’t sit well with her either- it was definitive proof of the presence of a new drug on the streets that they hadn’t come across before. All her colleagues were seasoned cops. While they might be a little belligerent and occasionally inappropriate, they were damn experienced in identifying illicit substances by sight and smell alone. That they’d even agreed to use the kit was unusual. That it had given them absolutely squat to go on, with all its fancy buttons and dials would have caused a mini-riot on scene.

Quickly turning to her laptop, Maggie typed frantically in the parameter fields.  
And her heart sunk when the screen filled with green data.

Arrest numbers for drug related crimes were off the charts the last month; fifty-eight per cent higher than the national average. Sixty-two per cent higher than National City’s average.

Scanning down the list of charges, Maggie stared at the number of aggravated assaults and grievous bodily harm codes blinking back at her, sucking in a breath when she saw Rolondo Jiminez’s name listed in holding. Then Abalita Iolandis.  
She knew those kids.  
Sure, they took their search for the latest highs to the extreme but they weren’t violent. Hell, they weren’t even out of school yet.  
Something was very wrong here.  
And no-one had put it together yet.

Beep.

A text message lit up on her phone and it brought Maggie out of her uncomfortable thoughts.

Alex. Sliding her thumb across she read it silently.

Mags I’m so sorry about last night. 

Maggie rolled her eyes, dropping it back on the desk.

She had a city wide epidemic to be dealing with. Not hosting a pity party for her girlfriend.  
At the back of her mind, she knew that was harsh but the budding headache over her right eye was sucking up all her energy and the thoughts of all those street kids out there, buying god knows what off the dealer’s downtown was enough to make her want to sprint right out of this building and pick them all up; keep them safe downstairs in the cage.  
Human rights be damned.

Beep.

She swiped the screen of her cell unenthusiastically.

Um you’re probably wondering what exactly I’m apologising for. So, to be clear. I’m sorry for not hearing you out. For not letting you finish and for… running. Again.

Her eyebrow quirked up at the word running. Their previous conversation about that very subject and how she only got one chance ran through her mind. Alex had promised her that she was all in, that she was done bolting when things get tough.  
Promised her.

But then last night, hadn’t she done just that?  
Given up on words, on communication when Maggie had been more than ready to listen and just taken the easy road. Gone back to her old ways.

Habits are a bitch to break though. Especially after everything she’s been through.   
You know that better than most.

Maggie stared so hard at the phone in her hand that she was almost glad she didn’t have Kara’s heat vision because the thing would have ended up a charred block of plastic and then she’d have to explain to Nancy in requisitions how she needed another cell and how yes it was a clear case of job related wear and tear.

Except this wasn’t job related.  
This was Alex related.  
Beautiful, bad-ass, fragmented Alex Danvers related.

She froze.  
Fragmented? She hadn’t meant to think that word. It seemed to have popped into her head out of nowhere. But the more she thought about it, the more she rolled it around the inside of her mouth, the more fitting it felt right now.

She was fragmented.  
Disjointed.  
Off balance.

And maybe, just maybe it was going to take more than Maggie had to put her back together right now….

No.  
That wasn’t true.  
It couldn’t be.

Dropping her pulsing forehead on her desk with a heavy thump, Maggie ignored the stares she could still feel on the back of her head.  
Screw them and their perfect marriages and 2.4 kids.

Breathing quietly through her nose, feeling it wrinkle when the layer of dust began to prickle at the insides of her nostrils, she didn’t even notice when her eyes closed of their own accord.  
When that cloak of tiredness seeped out of her bones and into her veins.  
When she fell into an uneasy sleep.

The familiar weight of her cell-phone was in her hand before she could stop herself.  
The number dialled before she could talk herself out of it.

“It’s Sawyer. Danvers, got a tip. You in?” 

She knew enough about Agent Danvers competitive streak to know it was going to be a yes. She was betting on it.

“Oh, and wear something nice…”

She smiled to herself imagining Alex’s reaction to that statement before ending the call. Before giving her the chance to splutter or complain.

What she hadn’t expected was how beautiful Alex would look in that form-fitting blue dress, her wide eyes trying not to show how out of place she felt when she showed up on scene.  
It was utterly adorable.

 

“You clean up nice.”

Holy Cow.  
It wasn’t what she wanted to say. What she wanted to say was something along the lines of ‘where have you been all my life’ but she didn’t want to freak the other woman out so she kept her appreciation low-key.  
As low-key as she could when her fingertips were prickling with the need to reach over there and touch Alex’s skin.

“I do? Well, you do too with the shoes and the hair and all the…”

Alex trailed off, as if she was trying to play it cool and the thought of the well-respected Agent Danvers trying to contain all that excitement sitting behind her eyes was way too much, way too overwhelming to deal with right now so Maggie stowed it away for examination another time.

Handing over the mask she had gotten for her, Maggie placed her own on delicately, leading Alex with actions rather than words, helping her to feel at least a little more comfortable.

Then taking her hand in hers, putting on her well-worn poker face Maggie led them both inside; into Roulette’s pop-up club, a lion’s den where all manner of finery and rented jewellery couldn’t disguise the scent of animal anticipation in the warehouse.

God the whole thing made Maggie feel sick as the first time she’d been here.  
Especially now that she knew exactly what had been going on inside.

“Who are all these people?”

After her initial surprise at the size and extravagance of the fixtures and fittings draped around the room, the naivete of Alex’s question stopped Maggie dead for a second in a way that seemed out of place.

“National City’s wealthiest,” she said with disgust. “I see the head of a bank. Two hedge fund managers. And there, a city councilman.” She tried her best to keep the disdain for these people out of her voice so as not to give them away but it was almost impossible. The need to rip each of these assholes a new one was almost overwhelming. 

Alex nodded silently, her shoulders looser now, drinking in the details around them, losing herself in them as she kept track.

And as the two of them watched those rich ass-holes dance around one another, champagne flute in hand Maggie couldn’t help wondering how it could be that Alex didn’t know who they were? The Government departments and private companies that silently funded the DEO, transferring monies through multiple untraceable accounts were run by people like these. That’s how they could afford their high-tech weaponry and state of the art training complexes. These were the people that the NCPD refused to accept money from preferring not to owe any large conglomerate or power-hungry representative anything. No favours. No compromise.

She buried that momentary feeling of disappointment in her partner down somewhere deep as a dramatic drumroll went off and a woman dressed in a seductive red dress began speaking, oil-like lies dripping from her mouth as she announced the evening’s entertainment.

Of course.

Alex picked up on what was happening almost as quickly as Maggie did.

“Looks like National City’s got itself an underground alien fight club.”

The crowd pressed in, pressing them uncomfortably closer.

“Somebody’s going to get killed.”

Maggie turned to Alex. She was staring around her at the crush of people whooping and cheering.

Was she worried about all these high flyers or the actual victims here, the ones in the cage?

The thought wasn’t one she remembered having before but it made her feel slightly nauseous all the same.

“I really wish we’d called back up.”

Alex stared straight ahead. “I did.”

Of course. 

God forbid Alex ‘plan everything’ Danvers trusted a plain-clothes cop to protect her. Trusted Maggie to protect her, when this had been her sting operation to begin with.

This was her show for Christ’s sake. An alien kind of anger unfurled inside her; one she didn’t recall feeling before. But it was strong. Potent. And Maggie wasn’t going to let anyone take her case from her now, not when all the groundwork had been hers- finding this place, pinning down times, invitations, false identities and dress codes. She may only be a flatfoot in comparison to the DEO super-elite but she did her job well. Better than well.

Filled by that stinging anger that refused to dissipate she realised that she couldn’t take standing idly by for one more second.

And so, Maggie fired her gun into the air, the words ‘police’ screaming out from her lungs.

Not DEO. Not Secret Service.

Police. The real heroes in uniform. 

Bedlam unfolded in front of them as soon as the shot went off as she knew it would.

And it felt amazing to see the fear now written on all those bastards faces instead of smug superiority. Hell, it felt almost euphoric that it had been put there by that particular word, not the appearance of Supergirl. It wasn’t because of flair. It was down to the presence of good old-fashioned law and order.

Next to her, Alex took the opportunity to shoot off a few rounds at the cage; a shower of sparks rocketing off the metal with impressive accuracy.

Then the two women synchronised, each with a gun in hand, moving out into the back area, sights focused on the owner of the red dress gracefully weaving her way through the panicking crowds.

Maggie sped up, outpacing her partner, making sure she was in the lead. Turning a corner, she lost Alex completely as she let the adrenaline and anticipation surge through her legs, running at full tilt to try and keep up with Roulette.

Forgetting all about the other agent for a moment, she slammed into the fleeing mastermind as she pivoted past some industrial bins and wrapping her arms around her, pushed her savagely into the nearest brick wall.

Pressing all her weight onto the woman’s struggling back and pinned hands, Maggie growled into her ear.

“You’re under arrest. For operating without a liqueur license for starters.”

Her captive didn’t seem cowed at all which stung like a bitch but Maggie spun her around to face her, pulling her thin wrists together at her waist.

The snap of the handcuffs as they locked in place felt incredible; solid and unyielding.  
And at least she had an actual statutory crime to pin on Roulette as opposed to whatever contravention of city laws the DEO would use to hide her away in one of their shady facilities. Detention without charge. 

Everything was going to plan.

“Hey, I was just coming to help, what’s going on?”

Maggie looked up to see Alex jog over, her eyes wide at the sight of Roulette cuffed and detained. Was that so surprising?

She frowned in response, a curt reply on her tongue. But that response died when her Lieutenant whispered into the hidden com unit sitting deep in her ear.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” she snarled.

He repeated the order again, and Maggie bared her teeth as a curiously still Roulette smiled serenely at her.

Alex’s gaze was full of questions.

Maggie didn’t even want to say the words. They tasted like acid in her mouth.  
But staying silent wasn’t going to undo them.  
Not this time.

“Orders came down from on high. We have to let her go.”

Her mouth was coated with ashes as she verbalised them; the words burning her gums.

All this for nothing.

Alex grimaced at her in sympathy. As if that might make her feel any better.

“Your day will come.”

Alex’s threat to the now free woman who was massaging her wrists was hardly menacing and Maggie cringed a little inwardly as Roulette nodded briefly in acknowledgement before stepping away with a grace she had no right to. Watching her back slink away from them Maggie blew out a hot sour breath.

“Should have planted something on her. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t such a good cop,” she muttered.

She was tired, man she was tired.  
All this for nothing.  
All her hard work.

“I think you’re a great cop.”

If it was meant as a compliment, it didn’t have the intended effect, causing Maggie to bristle instead. She responded before she could stop herself. 

“You think I’m a great cop? That’s why you called your buddies in when things got a little tense?”

Alex stiffened. 

“Maggie, it’s standard operating procedure to have back up. All of us at the DEO- We’re a team.”

“And you and me- what does that make us exactly? Just a couple of reprobates out for a good time!?”

Alex blinked uncertainly. “Well we’re a team too.”

Maggie offered her a cold smirk, her whole body trembling with displeasure and frustration.

“Don’t get soft on me now Danvers. Horse has already bolted on that one.”

Alex didn’t seem to know where to look or what to say and her obvious unease was oddly invigorating. The strange thing was that Maggie didn’t remember this either. This feeling of wanting to get away from the other woman, of wanting to lash out at her after everything that went down but man, it beat keeping all that frustration locked away, drowning her sorrows alone in her apartment.

Alex stuttered for a moment. “Look- I know in crappy moments like this I could use a drink so… what do’ya say? First rounds on me?”

She really thought that a drink was going to fix this? The chasm between who they were and what they stood for?  
She’s a child.

Brimming with weariness and frustration, Maggie fixed her with a distinctly unapologetic grin. “Oh sorry, I have other plans.”

“You have a hot date or something?” said Alex quietly.

Maggie blew out another breath. “Nope. Just meeting up with a few friends to unwind, it’s a ritual us cops have after a long day. I mean you get that right- since you’re all about the team dynamics?”

She tried her best to ignore the hurt in Alex’s shining eyes under the streetlamps, burying her guilt way down inside.

“…Next time? Maybe?”

That ‘maybe’ felt so wrong and yet so sweet on the tip of her tongue that she carried the sensation away with her, finally turning away from the other woman, leaving Alex alone with her own thoughts on the street.

“Later Danvers. You can return the mask whenever’s convenient.”

There really wasn’t much else to say.

Was there?

She jerked awake when something touched her shoulder, grabbing the wrist of DC Iverson in a death grip.

“Hey, whoa, just wanted to give you the heads up that the Cap’ n’s on their way here.”

Maggie blinked tiredly, releasing the other woman with a blush. “Oh, thanks.”

“Didn’t think you’d want her to catch you cat-napping on duty.”

A flush suffused her cheeks as she straightened up, wiping the corner of her mouth.

“Yeah. Appreciate it.”

Turning back to her PC, she pressed a key to get rid of the screensaver and shook all the anger out of her posture.  
It was going to be a long shift.

==============

Getting back to the apartment later that night, Maggie tiredly put her key in the door.  
She really didn’t have the energy for a fight but the burning tension in her gut hadn’t simmered any since earlier. And the dream from earlier was weighing heavy on her mind too. So, she put her poker face on and walked in, dumping her bag next to the breakfast bar in the kitchen.

“Hey.”

She turned awkwardly towards the source of the greeting.

“Hi,” she said quietly.

“You didn’t reply to my texts,” Alex said tentatively, standing next to the fire, wineglass in hand. She looked almost as tired at Maggie.

Not that she had any right to.  
She wasn’t the one reliving the twisted details of their history after all.

Maggie swallowed. “I was busy. Not all agencies have the resources to allow us to stay cooped up nice and safe in our office all day.”

She didn’t mean that the way it sounded. But Alex didn’t seem to realise. The way her eyes dropped to the floor caused an ocean of guilt to bite deep into the flesh of Maggie’s gut.

“I guess not all agencies have agents who are confined to desk duty until their psych report is complete,” the DEO agent replied self-consciously. Swirling her wine around a little.

Shit.

Turning her back to her, Maggie took her time pouring herself a glass of water; collecting her thoughts for a moment.  
Then she poured another and slowly carried them both over to the couch.  
She handed it over to Alex who took it gratefully, watching as Maggie perched on the end of the sofa.

“Did you manage to get any confirmation of whether NCPD could borrow your chopper for recon of empty buildings?” 

The question was asked nonchalantly as the smaller woman took a gulp of her water and the change of subject didn’t go unnoticed. But Alex chose not to bring attention to it, grimacing instead as she rubbed a palm on her thigh.

“I- I tried. I really did. Captain Phillips said that he’d consider it…once the DEO sweeps have been completed. That might be a few weeks.”

Alex blinked at her ruefully.

Maggie however stiffened, “So once again, DEO business trumps civilian interests.”

Taken aback but keeping her cool, Alex’s fingers fluttered slightly against the glass that Maggie had given her as they both unconsciously scooted to the furthest ends of the couch.

“DEO business is civilian interests Mags. They’re doing their best to clear out the debris so that the development crews can start shoring up the damaged buildings.”

Jeez, she really believes that.

“Yeah if your definition of civilian is white middle-class land-owning patrons,” she mumbled taking another drink.

She knew she was out of line. Was being deliberately antagonistic but for some reason she couldn’t help it and the sight of the small, cactus peeking out from the table a few feet away swept away any and all of the reservations building up on her tongue.

“Is this really about work?” said Alex softly, as if she didn’t really want the answer.

Silence reigned; Maggie avoiding her gaze, the directness of the question throwing her off. 

“What else would it be about?”

Alex’s hands shook a little.

“Well, I…last night…”

Maggie rounded on her as Alex struggled to line up her thoughts into some kind of coherent sentence. 

“Last night you made it pretty clear you wanted some space to think. So, I’m giving you space. And now you blame me for that as well.”

Alex’s hurt expression and the way her knees bunched up to press against her chest made it hard for Maggie to breathe for a moment. Seeing her that way, unsure and beaten down blew right through her frustrations.   
When she next spoke, her tone softened a little though she wasn’t really aware of it.

“Seems like I’m damned if I do what you ask and damned if I don’t.”

Alex took that in, clicking her tongue. “I didn’t ask for that.”

“I’m a detective remember? I detect. At least when it comes to giving you what you need.” Maggie brought the tumbler up to her feverish forehead, “I can do that. Give you that. Even if- even if it hurts.”

Something inside her hissed but she was tired of being mad. Of being strong.

The admission was said so quietly, so forlornly that Alex only just caught it but when she did, her face reflected nothing but sorrow; the gap between them suddenly seeming solid and unbreachable.

“And what about what you need?”

“Doesn’t matter,” the smaller woman muttered.

Alex moved suddenly, crawling over the cushions until she was resting on her knees half a foot away. “Of course, it matters. It matters to me. You’re everything that matters.”

Suddenly Maggie tilted her chin up, eyes glossy. “Aly, I need…I…”

Her desperation was embarrassing, the neediness even more so.  
She wanted to crawl inside herself and disappear right then and there.

But that’s not what happened. In reality, she barely had the time to finish the sentence in her head when Alex was in her space, her arms encircling her, pulling her into a hug so tight she couldn’t move even if she wanted to.

“I need for you to be ok, Al. I need for us to be ok,” she said, the words buried in familiar fabric and skin. “That’s what I need.”

Alex gripped her tighter, her heart beating so loud that it all but obscured the ticking of the clock on the mantelpiece across the room.

“Mags, it takes both of us being ok to make this thing work. I don’t make the rules.”

It was said with absolute seriousness but it made Maggie let out a wet chuckle. 

“Who does make the rules then?”

Alex shrugged with heavy shoulders, a glimmer of amusement evident in her face though Maggie couldn’t see it, the way they were wrapped up in each other. “The universe?”

“The universe is an uncaring, arbitrary expanse of space, Danvers.”

At the sound of her pet-name Alex took the initiative and tentatively nuzzled into Maggie’s neck allowing the brunette to inhale the sweet scent that calmed and excited her at the same time. If that was even possible.

Maybe she should borrow that chromatograph from work at some point to investigate that phenomenon.

“The universe gave me my sister and the woman I love. There’s no way that happened through sheer chance.” The certainty in Alex’s voice was adorable and sexy at the same time and underneath a sea of red wavy hair, Maggie grinned to herself for what felt like the first time in weeks

“Aren’t you supposed to be a scientist? That hypothesis seems remarkably unempirical to me.”

She felt Alex smile against the patch of skin underneath her ear and she wanted to keep it there. But something inside also needed its chance to speak and so with a heavy heart Maggie paused for a moment.

“Alex, I can’t sleep in an empty bed again.” Maggie whispered into her ear, stroking her hair to try and focus on something other than the words sitting on her tongue. “I think it might- might be the thing that breaks me.”

Alex pulled back, eyes wet with a tiny smile. “Tiny kick-ass Maggie Sawyer? It’d take more than that.”

A strange fluttering of anxiety pushed its way through Maggie as she realised that Alex hadn’t said that sleeping alone still wasn’t a possibility she was ruling out.

She shook her head powerlessly. “I don’t know if it would.”

Alex stared at her, scrutinising the slumped shoulders and messy hair. “I thought…”

Maggie rested a hand on her thigh gently. “What?”

“I thought you finally realised I was unfixable.”

That sentence hung heavy in the air; alive and pulsating.  
Alex fearful from the weight of letting it out, Maggie shocked that she’d even consider that.

Then the air rushed in again and Maggie was looking at her fiercely, pushing a sheaf of hair behind her ear. “You’re not unfixable Al, never think that. Never”

Holding each other’s gaze, the two women breathed in, the proximity of the other clearing airways they hadn’t realised were even blocked.

“I got you. Always.”

Alex nodded. “And I’ve got you Maggie Sawyer.”

Breathing fitfully, she ran a fingertip down Maggie’s shoulder and bicep, trailing it lovingly across the muscles and material.

“Can we go sleep now? I feel like I’ve been awake for a week.”

It was a simple request, shyly conveyed and in response Maggie smiled warmly, covering her fingers with her palm. “That sounds perfect.”

Getting up, disentangling themselves from each other, they kept their fingers laced as they turned off the lamp and walked towards the bedroom.  
And did exactly that, wrapping themselves up in each other’s limbs to try and keep out the cold and the nightmares.  
Never noticing how the puffs from the three cacti in the apartment synchronised with each other at just before 4am.


	7. Crawling

Ok, two more minutes and I’m out of here, thought Alex uncomfortably.  
She hadn’t wanted to leave her bed this morning, not with the memory of how Maggie’s toes had dug into her calf during the night and the way her fingertips had curled around Alex’s inner arm of their own accord. And the thought of another counselling session made dragging herself up out of those warm covers doubly unappealing.  
But the note left on their pillow wishing her good luck in Maggie’s scrawled writing had given her enough impetus to face whatever today was going to bring.

It didn’t fix things between them.  
Didn’t say all the unspoken things that hung in the air over the bedsheets.  
But it was a step forward.  
And that was gonna have to do.

Ninety seconds and counting, she thought fidgeting a little.

It was at that point, with the clock on an 87 second countdown that the door opened and a woman rushed in, arms full of papers and brown folders, her crossed arms barely keeping them from slipping down her chest.

“I’m sorry for keeping you hanging around Alex,” she said as she let everything drop unceremoniously onto her des. “I know how busy y’all are up on the main floor and how precious your time is.”

Alex went to nod but faltered, her nerves flashing raw as she got a good long look at the other person.

“You’re new.”

The flat pool of unease that had been sitting across her abdomen had evaporated the tiniest bit when she saw how harassed the other woman looked but it was only when she had turned that Alex realised that this wasn’t her usual therapist. She’d never seen this woman before in her life.

Red hair tied up in a messy bun, suit jacket buttoned wrongly, the statuesque other woman licked her lips apologetically as she made eye contact.

“I see they didn’t downplay your skills of observation in the report.”

Alex almost smiled at that, nervous as she was. “Where’s Dr Mills?”

The other woman sighed, “Family emergency; right now, she’s on a flight back to Denver with an open-ended ticket. I’m the on-call backup so you get me I’m afraid. For the next twenty-four hours, at least. It’s a bad day all round it seems.”

Trying her best to keep calm, Alex counted up to ten in her head, focusing on controlling her breathing. When she was finished she stared at the redhead pointedly.

“You have your ID?”

The woman laughed, clearly not offended at all. Unclipping a laminated badge from her jacket she threw it delicately across to Alex where it landed in her lap.

“Personnel is extension 4329. But you probably know that.”

Turning her back for a moment, the psychiatrist fumbled with all her papers allowing Alex the time to take out her cell without being watched; which she did. Holding it in one hand staring at it for a moment  
It would only take a second to check.  
To tamp down those suspicions in her gut.   
Once call and everything would be back on an even keel.

But the woman’s easy-going aura, even with her back to her was contagious somehow and Alex could just imagine what the guys upstairs would make of her checking credentials for someone who walked in through all the checkpoints in a maximum-security DEO wing.  
She’d never live it down.

And she really wasn’t in the mood for that kind of banter today. So, she put her phone back in her pocket, watching as the red head shoved bits and pieces into the array of drawers behind the desk.

Man, she had more drawers than an apothecary. 

“Rough day?” Alex said finally when the silence had become wearing. “Doctor…?”

The other woman turned around, only a slim notebook left in her grip. “Isley. Pamela Isley. But you can call me Pam if you like.”

Walking across to the armchair, she sat down gracefully.

“And rough month would be a better description,” she said heaving a sigh. “The psych wards are barely coping with the influx of kids right now and they’re beeping me every hour there to discharge long-term patients who are in no state to be released on their own recognisance just to make space for them.”

With legs curled up underneath her, her long sweater hooked over her knees, Alex frowned.

“That doesn’t seem right.”

“Tell that to the hospital board. They’re practically sponsored by the treat and street society of North America.”

Alex looked at her blankly.

“The FDA.”

“Ah.”

Brows knitted Dr Isley’s guest appeared deep in thought for a moment and the intensity of Alex’s stare clearly nudged something at the back of the Doctor’s mind.

“But we’re not here to talk about that. We’re here to talk about you.”

It wasn’t untrue.  
And yet Alex seemed to retreat into herself for a moment at the suggestion.

The other woman softened her gaze. “I’ve read all the notes from your previous sessions. You seem to be making remarkable progress considering everything you’ve been through recently.”

Alex squinted at the wall behind her, a flash of hot suspicion in her eyes. “Is that what Dr Mills has written?”

“Not explicitly but I’m a read-behind-the-lines kinda gal. Besides…” She paused, scrutinising Alex’s posture again, “Something tells me you don’t deal so well with compliments, however well meaning.”

“Does anyone?”

“Only the people who don’t deserve them I’m sad to say. The world is an upside-down place in that regard.”

Pulling her sleeves down, Pamela reclined a little. “Dr Mills did make a notation here that talking about yourself, your emotions has never been easy for you. That your first few sessions were… difficult.”

Alex wavered, clearly struggling not to take that as a criticism.

“It looks as though she employed the multiple-choice method to get things going.”

Alex hadn’t even been aware that the technique had a name but she remembered how things had gone those first couple of meetings. After fifteen minutes of silence, of crossed arms and stubborn refusals to meet her eyes Dr Mills had changed tack and started throwing possible answers at her instead of asking more of those draining open-ended questions.

Alex, during those last few moments in the tank, when the air was running out did you feel-  
A) Helpless B) Scared C) Alone

She’d had a flashback to sucking in air from the inch of space underneath the metal tiles and her whole body had shaken in response, though she covered it as best she could.

….Or D) All of the Above.

“D,” she’d admitted after an expanse of silence. Dr Mills had smiled at her reassuringly.

And do you think feeling those things makes you-  
A) Untrusting of those trying to save you B) Weak C) Exhausted both mentally and physically after what had been done to you

She knew the fourth option was coming before it was even spoken. She dreaded it.

Or D) All of the Above

It was D. Of course, it was. How could it not be?  
There was no single emotion she could use to describe what it was like, being in that glass box, watching the water level getting higher and higher. Even now, when she tried to explain herself, tried to tell Maggie or Kara what it had felt like, she still couldn’t untangle the wires and emotions that were all snarled up with the memories inside her head.

That’s what made this thing so damn frustrating.  
Because she was trying damnit.  
She was trying to unravel everything.  
But nothing ever seemed to come of it. Nothing ever satisfied the people who kept asking.

Shaking herself out of her reverie to find Dr Isley watching her intently Alex curled her hands up into fists at her side.

“You don’t need to look so worried. I have a great support network Dr Isley. Most of the time I don’t even have to say anything at all and my family and friends know what I’m feeling.”

The other woman nodded. “That’s wonderful Alex. You’re very lucky.”

She licked her lips and her green eyes widened. “But…”

Alex frowned, “But?”

Dr Isley pinned her with a searing gaze this time. “This isn’t called the talking cure for nothing. Having people take care of you is important but the act of speaking, of bringing internal things out into the real world where they have weight and volume is imperative.”

Alex’s mind flashed to Maggie. Christ, she could even imagine her saying the same thing. In a less wordy way perhaps, without all the psycho-babble but the sentiment for sure.  
For the first time, the thought crystallised that maybe she’d been putting too much pressure on the other woman, expecting her to know what she needed without saying it in so many words.  
Shame burbled through Alex as she turned the idea over in her mind.  
Shit.

“Is that silence you agreeing with me, Alex or you formulating some argument to shoot me down with?” 

“It’s…some kind of middle ground?” admitted her patient quietly.

“Well I’m all up to speed on your past sessions as I’ve said. How about you tell me how things have been over the last few days.”

Oh God.  
Anxiety pulsated within her again and hugging her knees even closer, Alex did her best to attempt a shrug.  
It must have looked ridiculous. Even she knew that.  
She wasn’t a goddamned teenager.

“Things have been…as expected. Hectic. Overstretched in terms of manpower. But nothing we can’t handle,” she said carefully.

“Good. You are aware that expectations are a double-edged sword though.”

A roll of the eyes greeted that statement though Dr Isley maintained her non-judgemental posture.

She paused. “They can help us compartmentalise and focus on the task at hand. But they can also cause feelings of failure or disappointment when they aren’t met.”

“I know how to keep them realistic.”

“And that would be fine if we were just talking about yours.”

That remark seemed to throw Alex momentarily. Her spine straightened before she could stop it and the movement wasn’t lost on Dr Isley, though she chose not to comment.  
Alex was grateful for her tact.

Still a little on the defensive, the DEO Agent let her hands uncurl. 

“The truth is… everyone’s been more supportive than I could ever ask for. J’onn put me back on desk duty with the caveat that I have these sessions with you and I have regular obs done at the beginning and end of every shift. Kara, my sister…she’s hurting in all her own ways right now but she checks in with me every other day. Even my Mom’s doubled the number of phone calls. They’re all struggling with their own stuff but they’ve been nothing but amazing with me.”

A small smile crept onto her face at the thought of everyone in her close circle.

“And their stuff as you put it, do they talk to you about that?”

That stopped her.

Of course, they did. Didn’t they?

“I…I think they’re downplaying it a little maybe so they don’t overload me,” she admitted reluctantly. “I mean I never asked them to but…”

She hadn’t really thought of it that way before. How little she was giving them right now. How she’d stopped being part of the support network herself.  
Damn.  
Maybe she had been more selfish than she’d realised.

“Alex, are you ok?”

Keen curious eyes waited on her.

She pressed back against the couch. “Yeah I was just…thinking.”

“Thinking’s good. Speaking is better, remember.”

The nudge stung a little, but she tried her best to brush it off. This was a safe space after all. Dr Mills had made that very clear on their first meeting. Nothing was off limits.  
Nothing was too awful to say.

She sucked in a breath. 

“I guess… I- just realised how much I’ve been focusing on myself recently. Maybe too much”

“There’s nothing wrong with that.” Dr Isley’s warm melodic voice curled around the room. It was oddly relaxing. “You’re trying to pick yourself up- that takes an inordinate amount of time and energy. It’s always going to leave less for those around you. But it’s only temporary.”

Less for those around you.  
Alex’s stomach sank at the inference.

“You mentioned your sister and your Mom but...” Flicking through some paperwork, the Doctor looked up again, “What about Detective Sanvers?”

“Maggie’s great,” Alex said quickly. Almost too quickly.

There was amusement in the other woman’s beautiful face. “Just great? She’s the one you go home to, the one you see when you’ve taken off the Agent Danvers façade and allow yourself to really relax and she’s… great?”

Involuntarily Alex’s mind wandered back to last night, when she’d heard Maggie’s key in the door and almost bolted into the bedroom so that she could avoid the showdown with her. The aftermath from her freak out. She’d held strong and in the end, they had gotten past their fight, but that underlying tension between them hadn’t completely dissipated. Not when Maggie left for work leaving a fresh pot of coffee ready for her and that sweet little note. Not when she texted her a cute mid-morning message. Something was still off, she could feel it.   
And she hated that she didn’t know how to make things better. 

“Is she fully committed to looking after you or is she dealing with personal issues as well?”

Alex wanted to yell at the insinuation, at its goddamn impertinence but from what Maggie had told her, the station was overrun with their spike in crime right now and every-time she came home she seemed to be exhausted beyond words.

Alex fortified herself, as her failure to answer spun out across the room.

“She’s pushed at work…and she’s been having some nightmares too.”

At that revelation, another glint of curiosity sparked in those green eyes across the room.

“That’s not unusual. And you? How are you sleeping?”

Reaching across to the side table where a pitcher and a small vase bursting with peonies sat idly, Dr Isley poured herself a glass of water, the other woman watching her every move.

“Alex I’m not judging you on any of this. Judgement’s way above my pay grade.”

Alex smiled wanly.

“But if the two of you are having nightmares then your ability to comfort the other will be severely impaired.”

“We comfort each other just fine.”

Images of a warm hand skirting the skin of her calves sprung to mind and a blush formed instantly on her cheeks. She styled it out by pretending to brush back her hair.

“I’m not just talking physically.”

Damn.

She needed to work on her poker face.

Alex pouted. “But sex is about connection and communication, right? 

“It should be when it’s done right.”

The therapist winked at her, and Alex’s smile turned into a small grin at how completely unprofessional that was. How strangely comforting.

“So, it kind of covers all the bases you mentioned.”

Dr Isley frowned for the first time, “Do you talk though?”

“No, actually we communicate primarily through mime,” Alex retorted in a deadpan voice.

Doctor Isley met it with one of matching condescension.

“Of course, we talk.”

“I don’t just mean about your day. I mean about how you’re both feeling.”

Alex’s legs shifted uncomfortably, visions of last night playing in her head and that didn’t go unnoticed by the other woman either.

“She’s a detective she’s the most observant person I’ve ever met. Like I said, even if I don’t tell her things explicitly she knows.”

“That’s a lot of pressure to put on someone.”

The blame she’d been pushing down deep into the dark places inside her ignited at that and Alex went to defend herself but the other woman cut her off before she could. “I know how hard the NCPD is being pushed right now, especially with the latest round of budget cuts. I’m not telling you to sit her down and tell her every single thing that comes to mind, overwhelming her with information she would have no chance of processing.”

She thought for a moment, as if clarifying exactly what she was asking of Alex.

“I just think it would be good for you to tell her that you know talking about your feelings is important. And that even if you’re not in a place where you’re comfortable doing that with her, that you’re doing it here in your sessions. So, she’s aware that you’re not bottling things up and expecting her to do all the work. So, she knows that you’re trying.”

Intense green eyes assessed her response to that.  
She didn’t really have one.  
I am trying, Alex thought frantically. Why doesn’t anyone believe that?

“Will you promise to have that conversation with her at least? Think of it as a homework assignment if you want.”

Alex grimaced but finally she gave a resigned nod.  
She wasn’t looking forward to it though.

“So, these dreams you mentioned?...”

Alex swallowed hard, not wanting to replay them but battling against the series of images that flew past her vision.

“Yeah they’re more like nightmares I guess.”

She didn’t sound convinced and her therapist was clearly waiting for more detail judging by the way she had moved to the edge of her seat.

“Or memories?” Mused Alex softly. “Or some combination of the two.”

The other woman scribbled something quickly. “Memories of?

“Uh, me and Maggie mostly,” whispered Alex, shifting in her seat. “About the times we worked together. The times we started…uh…building a relationship.”

Just talking about them made her feel like she was betraying Maggie somehow, as if she was sharing things that her girlfriend hadn’t given her permission to say. Hadn’t had the chance to veto or not. But they weighed on her so heavily she needed to get them off her chest. And with the way she’d reacted in the bar last night, with the memory of them now influencing her behaviour in everyday life she needed to do something.  
She wasn’t really being disloyal, right? Just talking about them, here where no-one else would know?

“That’s not so surprising, is it?” The redhead replied kindly. “After traumatic events, our minds search for moments from our past that comfort us.”

Alex paused. “They’ve been different though. To how I remembered them before.”

Dr Isley nodded, forming her words carefully before she answered; her gaze level but interested. “Alex human memory is revisionist by nature. You’re a Doctor. You know that.”

“They’ve been darker though. Not comforting at all.”

She watched the therapists pen lid tap gently on her sheet of paper. “Unfortunately, there are times when trauma can act like a virus, infecting the parts of our brain that are fighting to stay safe, trying to convince them that they’re as damaged as the rest.”

Alex’s head shot up causing the other woman to throw both hands up quickly in an act of submission.

“I’m not saying you’re broken Alex, far from it. I’m just pointing out that sometimes our psyche fights against itself in order to find some kind of equilibrium.”

The DEO agent considered that briefly. It sounded legitimate. But it still didn’t explain the underlying sense of unease that came with waking up from those dreams; the way Maggie’s eyes seemed harder these days, more like the version of her from those nightmares.

“So, you don’t think I should worry about it,” she said with a tinge of scepticism.

“I would never tell you to dismiss something that’s bothering you. The important thing is that you recognise the changes and talk about them before they take on a significance they don’t need to have.” Grabbing a pair of glasses from the chest pocket of her shirt, Dr Isley pushed them up onto her nose, disconcertingly reminding Alex of Kara for an instant. “Have you talked to Maggie about this?”

The silence that filled the room was answer enough.

“She’ll worry about me.” She said finally.

“From the sounds of it she worries about you regardless. You don’t have to tell her the content if you don’t want to. But you could come at this from a different angle, maybe ask her to tell you how she remembers certain events to see how the two versions align. To give you some kind of grounding in reality.”

A perfunctory nod told her that Alex was at least listening.

“And you telling me about them today? That’s a start. A great start. It’s very encouraging.”

Sneaking a glimpse at the wall clock, the woman groaned as she realised they had reached the end of their time for today. Noticing the movement, Alex leant forward steepling her hands to stretch out her fingers.

She did feel a little lighter actually. Not like she was floating or anything but slightly less burdened. She knew she had some work to do talking with Maggie, taking the suggestions she’d been given today and the thought of that kind of made her want to throw up but at least she had some concrete things to do. Advice to follow.  
That definitely helped.

Looking over with appreciative eyes Alex smiled at Dr Isley who was scanning down at the page of notes she’d written over the last hour.

“Do I at least get a sticker for being a good girl and not using any obscenities today?”

“I’m afraid not,” the other woman said looking up with a grin as she pulled herself up onto her feet. “I could offer you an out of date Werther’s Original that lives at the bottom of my purse if that would suffice?”

Alex bit her lip to cover a burgeoning grin. “Hard pass. Thanks.”

Walking across the plush carpet, Dr Isley held out a hand. “Just talk to her in the ways we’ve discussed today Alex. Observations only get us so far. Relationships are based on exposing ourselves. On disclosure.” 

Dragging herself up Alex shook her hand warmly.

“I will. And thanks- for all the help.”

A radiant grin lit up the Doctor’s face. “Anytime Alex. Anytime. I mean that.”

She ushered the other woman towards the door. “See you soon Agent Danvers.”

Alex gave her a little backwards wave as she left the room. 

“You too Pam. Hope your day gets better.”

The redhead’s grin seemed to get even bigger. “Oh, it already has.”


	8. Sting

Three days had passed since Alex’s last psych session and somehow Alex and Maggie had found themselves in a live sting operation watching a warehouse, ID’ing and logging the men who wandered in and out.

This wasn’t something Alex had planned for.  
Or even asked for.  
It was true, once the intel had come through from the police informant that a shipment of suspected narcotics was being processed tonight at this location, that the DEO had been asked to liaise, numbers being short on the ground. And it was also true that it had been Alex’s request as co-ordinator that each NCPD operative involved in the op was partnered with A DEO agent.  
It made good tactical sense, since each partnership would have access to multiple face recognition databases and would encourage the two units to work as a team.

At that point, she hadn’t had any delusions that she would be going out as one of the tag teams, even though the thought of spending a few hours with her girlfriend with some coffee and sugary snacks had definitely made its way into her daydreams as she waited for the vehicle unit to get back to her with numbers of cruisers available.

But the world is a funny place.

And when J’onn had come to ask if she felt up to tagging along as part of the second string she’d practically fallen out of her chair.

That earned her a look she wouldn’t soon forget. 

Anticipation coursed through her as she threw promises at him. About how she would stay in the car. How if she was allowed to team up with Maggie she’d let the other woman take the lead. Dictate their play. How she’d be the new and improved Backseat Agent Danvers no-one had ever seen.

He frowned and scratched at his chin but acquiesced quickly enough.  
It spoke volumes about how much trust he placed in the NCPD detective and made her blush when he’d said how pleased the psych evaluators had been with her progress. With their suggestion that perhaps a short external mission would be just the thing she needed to re-establish routine and confidence.  
She could have kissed Dr Isley.  
And J’onn.

And that’s how they ended up here, thirty minutes into their recon, all tucked up in a shadowy end of a car-park dressed in black, binoculars and long lens cameras ready to go.

Alex was staring so intently at the entrance to the parking lot that she had to keep blinking to counteract the ache in her eye muscles. But she wasn’t about to mess this up.  
Not first time out since what felt like forever.

“Hey, you ok there?” said Maggie glancing at the knee that was bouncing non-stop against the gear shift.

Alex smiled, “Just adrenaline I guess. It’s been a while since I’ve been in the field.”

Maggie grinned at her before turning back to the window. “Ok well no more coffee for you Shaky Macgee.”

Spying movement, she narrowed her gaze but frowned when she realised it was just a pair of kids messing about by the chain link fence; trying to clamber up its thin struts. Taking a slug of coffee Maggie handed her girlfriend a Twinkie absently as she kept scanning their surroundings.

“Hey how did therapy go by the way?”

Alex’s chest tightened almost immediately but she kept that to herself since they hadn’t really talked about this until now. “Uh, good.”

She corrected herself. “Better than good actually.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Alex’s leg began to move more vigorously. “It was a locum psychiatrist which kind of threw me at first but she was kind of awesome. We really got into some stuff.”

Maggie’s gaze stayed fixed on the horizon.   
And she didn’t notice Alex glancing at her.

“That’s good,” murmured Maggie distractedly though her shoulders had set into a harder posture then before.

Not noticing Alex carried on, “Yeah she actually pulled me up on some of my shit. Not taking compliments. Not being forthcoming enough…”

“All the things me and Kara have been saying for months, you mean?”

Maggie’s tone was playful but there was an edge underneath.

Alex was on a mission though. To finish her assignment. To do the right thing.  
To make things right. So, she ignored it, blundering on.

“She helped me realise that I’m putting too much pressure on the people around me. People like you Mags.”

The hint of apology in her tone drew Maggie’s full attention to her and she stared at her for a moment in the dim interior of the car.

“You’re doing your best Al, that’s all we ask. Nothing more.”

Reaching over Alex laid a trembling hand on top of Maggie’s. “Thanks.”  
She left it there. “But I know there’s things I haven’t been able to say, haven’t been able to…verbalise that need to be said.”

A crease emerged between Maggie’s brows. “You can tell me anything. You know that don’t you?”

Alex breathed out through her nose and smiled. “Of course, I do, but it took some hard truths for me to realise that avoiding the act of speaking is my problem not yours.”

Maggie blinked, turning around to check on their surroundings but on a roll, Alex leaned over, letting her fingers pull her girlfriend’s chin back towards her so that they were face to face.

“Pamela helped me realise that it’s enough for me to talk to someone, even if it’s not the exact person I want to tell,” she said imploringly. “She helped me let go a little. And she wanted me to be honest with you about the fact that we should see talking to her as a big step forward.”

Maggie paused, as if sorting through her thoughts. 

“So, wait, you’re fine with telling a complete stranger intimate thoughts and feelings and not me but that’s ok because it helps you in the long run?”

She hadn’t meant that to sound as bitter as it did, but sat there in the cramped SUV with Alex’s enthusiasm and obvious excitement filling up the space, Maggie couldn’t breathe properly. All she could think about were the arguments they’d had recently, the patches of silence where Alex had sworn she was fine. The dreams of arguments and insults that had never happened. Unless they had. It was getting harder and harder to tell honestly.  
Especially when she was so damn worn out, all the time.

There had been sweet moments too of course. Making up after the bar. Curling up next to each other when they weren’t on call. But somehow it felt as if they were getting fewer and far between; the tension that flowed between them never quite dissipating fully.

And now this.

Alex blinked at her, thrown by the waves of frustration pouring off the other woman. “I never meant to upset you Mags, I hate that you…”

Maggie drew away as much as the seat would allow. 

“Just to be clear, talking about yourself is off limits with me until you’ve had everything you say validated and vetoed by some psych stand-in who gets paid by the hour.”

A tremor in her hands, Alex pulled them into her body as if she’d been burned.  
She was shocked by the vehemence in Maggie’s voice, the way her eyes burned almost black.  
This wasn’t how things were supposed to go.

“No Maggie I thought you’d be proud. That I’ve pushed through one of the barriers that’s been holding me back…”

“Barriers,” croaked Maggie then. “Sometimes it seems like that’s all we have lately.”

A heavy silence cloaked the insides of the car.  
Right up until a crackle erupted from the radio and an electronic voice sprang to life.

“Black Coms 3, did you get an ID on the two perps entering through the north side?”

Alex cringed and Maggie cursed as they realised they’d taken their eyes from the prize during their conversation and the pair of them quickly grabbed their binoculars scanning the parking lot and perimeter of the building.

All they caught however was the closing of an emergency exit near to the fire stairwell.

“Goddamnit Alex,” yelled Maggie. Picking up the radio mic, she pressed the button in. 

“Black Coms 3 reporting, perps unable to be identified. Already inside building over.”

They both waited, nerves on fire for the comeback.

“Black Coms 3 you are to proceed to the interior, suspicion is these are high level dealers and we need confirmation on that stat.”

Maggie glanced at Alex who was curled up in her seat, her leg completely still. She saw the nervousness in her girlfriend’s eyes and though anger was still burning its way through her veins, she made a quick decision.

“Perhaps an alternative unit would be better suited to recon. Over.”

“Maggie, no.”

Alex’s hand covered hers on the mic as she scrambled forward. “I can do this. I swear. Please let me do this. Let me make it up to you.”

Maggie knew she wasn’t thinking clearly; wasn’t in that place of mental clarity where she could make sound tactical decisions. And the co-ordinator on the mic was NCPD not DEO so they weren’t aware of Alex’s history, the promises she’d made J’onn before coming about staying safe.

But all she could see in the unlit care were Alex’s eyes, wide and beseeching, promising her that she could handle this. That she needed to make this right.

And that’s why she went against every instinct screaming at her to shut this down and picked up the mic again.

“Black Coms 3 again. Belay that. We’re heading inside, please use tracker co-ordinates for further positions in case ‘talking isn’t appropriate.’”

She put a firm emphasis on those last three words, not catching’s Alex’s eye. It was childish but it felt satisfying too. And she needed something, some way to release the anger coiled inside her wrists.

Opening her door, she waited for Alex to get out the other side then pulled her firearm from its holster letting the solid feel of it inside her grip give her something to focus on. As soon as Alex’s lithe frame hit her peripheral vision she was off, jogging towards the building, making sure she was directly in front of her girlfriend the whole way across the abandoned lot.

“Maggie wait, we can’t just leave things like this,” Alex hissed from a metre behind but Maggie strode manfully on.

“Other priorities right now, Agent Danvers. We need to focus on fixing our screw up.”

That ‘Agent Danvers’ hurt like she’d taken a slap to the face.  
But as soon as that wore off, something else struck Alex.  
She said our screw up thought the DEO agent as she scanned the treeline behind them.  
Was it theirs though?  
It sure didn’t feel like it.

Alex had just been doing what she’d been told to do, to keep Maggie in the loop with her progress, to reassure her that she was doing her best and that things were changing for the better.

“Danvers!”

She peered across guiltily to find Maggie piercing her with that harsh gaze from her last few dreams. God, she couldn’t bear that look.

“Right side exit door, keep an eye out while I jimmy it open.”

She could do that at least. And it meant she didn’t have to see the disappointment in those dark eyes.

It only took a few seconds for Maggie to infiltrate the security system and pull the door open then the two of them moved inside in tandem, reading each other’s body language without needing to speak so at the very least they still had that.  
Heading up a set of stone stairs they came into a large packing factory floor where a group of men seemed to be huddled up talking around a desk pushed up against the far wall.

“What’s the range on these body cams?” whispered Alex.

Maggie peered down at the one firmly affixed to her Kevlar jacket. “Three hundred feet or so. We need to be closer to make an ID.”

In all honesty Alex didn’t want to get any closer. The expanse of open floor in front of them provided little to no cover and her body was trembling even more than before, unused to the adrenaline that had become second nature only a few months ago.

With only a small revolver that she was supposed to carry but not use if possible, she felt underdressed and seeing Maggie gun in hand, posture rigid, so goddamn intimidating, she felt that strange surge of jealousy from her first nightmare come back. That envy at Maggie’s bravery. Her confidence.

Trying to shake the sensation off, she focused her attention on the floor at her feet, counting the beats of her heart that sounded like they were echoing off the warehouse walls.

“You ok?”

Surprised, she looked up to see Maggie staring at her with a stormy expression.

Nodding, not trusting herself to speak, she let her hand slip down to her badge to rub the edges of its leather cover. A reminder of who she was. That she had every right to be here.

“I’m just peachy,” she said before straightening. “You don’t need to worry about me Detective Sawyer.”

It sounded like a reprimand. She hadn’t meant it to but the words were out too soon and the damage was done.

Maggie grimaced.

“This isn’t the time for…”

“Pissing contests yes I know. I remember.”

Maggie was all confusion at that comment but she smoothed her face into a mask almost immediately at the sudden defiance shining in Alex’s eyes, filing the moment away to come back to later when things weren’t so charged.

Alex felt strong though now that she had something to focus her anger on. Something to rail against. Maybe for the first time in a long time.  
Un-holstering her weapon her expression practically dared Maggie to touch it or take it from her. To tell her she wasn’t allowed.  
She did neither, instead nodding briefly; as if she knew how fortifying holding a weapon could be in circumstances like these.

“I’ll go first, then you behind. We’ll edge around the boxes then head for the enclave over by the south wall.”

Alex bristled. “Is that how it is now? Payback. NCPD leading the DEO by the hand? Is this what you meant by Inter-departmental relations?”

Maggie froze just as she was about to move. “What are you talking about?”

Alex couldn’t ignore the other woman’s obvious confusion but there was no way she didn’t remember saying that. The way she’d spat it out. She was just playing innocent.  
And it riled Alex up all the more.

“Alex, you said it yourself, this is your first time back on active duty. I’m just trying to keep you safe.”

Alex puffed out hot air. “So, you don’t want to talk. Except when it comes to handing out orders.”

At that Maggie snapped, grabbing her shoulder and shoving her against the walls where a series of shadows collected.

“I’m the one who wanted to talk if you recall. And this is so not the place to get into this. Get your head in the game,”

The sound of a chair being pushed back, scraping loudly on the floor made the pair of them fall silent but it receded quickly enough.

“We might be having some issues but I’m not going to risk your safety,” murmured Maggie angrily.

“Issues.” Alex scoffed. “I tell you that I’m finally opening up to someone and that’s an ‘issue’ for you.”

“I…I just wanted to be the person that got you to open up. Is that so hard to understand?”

Alex swallowed at the angry vulnerability radiating from the woman holding her against the wall and she blinked slowly.

“The world doesn’t always work the way you want it to.”

Maggie offered her a cold smile. “Trust me I get that more than most.”

Staring at the revolver clutched in Alex’s right hand, its barrel pointing to the left of her right leg, she breathed out. “I guess I should be glad it’s not a rocket launcher pointing my way this time.”

Alex peered down at her gun then angled it safely away before allowing herself a small smile. “Baby steps.” She muttered.

Maggie backed up a little finally, her arm retreating from Alex’s shoulder leaving a keen sense of loss in its wake. The pair of them stared at each other; breathing irregular.

“Ok, lead the way then.”

It was an olive branch Alex was offering and Maggie knew it. Cocking her pistol silently she glanced over at the warehouse’s other occupants.

“I’m not leading anything. I go where the muse takes me,” she said evenly. “We’re all sheep to something, right?”

Her brow furrowed at the memory of saying those words before. A dark warehouse very much like this one. With Alex there too. All righteous anger and indifferent attitude.  
That image of her didn’t correlate with the fragile woman in front of her but that sense of injustice and dismissal wasn’t quite so easy to ignore.

“On three?” she ground out.

Alex nodded. “Time to catch the Boogeyman.”

Another series of images flew past Maggie’s eyes at the taller woman’s unexpected use of that word, ones that triggered even more of those feelings of being judged inferior. Mediocre.   
Sub-standard.

Skin prickling, she used those words, drew strength from them as her feet began to move.

Then they were off, sneaking past containers and boxes, dropping their feet into the same dusty spaces as they moved.

When they reached the enclave, obscured by some netting and a tall ten metre packing box, they both pointed their bodycams towards the men and waited for them to get a full shot of each of their faces. One by one a small beep in their ear indicated that a positive ID had been achieved.

“You got all that?” Maggie whispered into her mic.

“Logged and cross checked. Good job Detective Sawyer.”

Alex stiffened at the compliment, at having her presence and skills completely disregarded.

Maggie for her part simply grinned, almost enjoying the other woman’s indignation there in the dark though something in the back of her mind told her that wasn’t ok.  
At least Alex knew now what it felt like to be the black sheep, the poor cousin on one of these collaborations. It was a learning experience.

“Any further instructions?” Maggie murmured into her vest,

They both waited but then the call came in. “Stay put. We’ll wait for these low lives to leave then have another unit tail them see if we can get any further up the bloody chain. Then we’ll send a team in to secure the drugs they’re stock-taking.”

“Understood,” said Alex into her mic quickly.

Maggie let her have that one repositioning herself a little to keep a good view of the perps.  
Alex did the same.  
And a semi-comfortable quiet fell over them and their hidden position.

Alex’s brow was knitted though as she focused on their movements.

After a good five minutes had passed Maggie glanced at her. 

“Something bothering you?” 

Alex raised an eyebrow.

She put a conciliatory hand up, “Other than the obvious.”

Alex wasn’t sure she wanted to share anything right now. But she trusted Maggie’s policing skills as much as she trusted her to have her back when things went sideways so she screwed up her nose.

“Those bags they cut open to check the stock. I can smell the powder in the air and it’s…weirdly familiar.”

A little surprised, her partner lifted her chin and too a big sniff. Shaking her head, she paused. “I can’t smell anything. But you’re saying you’ve smelt it before?”

“Maybe some variant of it. Somewhere. But I can’t seem to put my finger on where I know it from.”

Man, it was bothering her. And giving her another slight headache too, just for good measure. But as much as she searched through her memory banks Alex couldn’t come up with an answer.

Nothing else was said as the group of men eventually strode out of the warehouse toward the loading bay, the sound of squealing tires attesting to their swift exit soon after.

Within sixty seconds of that commotion, a team of black ops agents and NCPD lab-rats stormed the building.

And Maggie and Alex were finally free to take off their body armour and make their way home.  
They made their way out together, neither one speaking, unhooking their mic and battery pack in synchronised movements.

Then they reached the car.   
Loitering uncomfortably, unsure what to do with her hands now, Alex rubbed the back of her neck to try and alleviate her headache.

“You uh want to come back with me? Maybe we could get some food, clear the air.”

Maggie took in Alex’s uncertainty under the orange streetlamps but the acid lining her stomach washed away her first urge to hug the other woman.

She was going to have to do a write up on tonight’s activities and having Alex there when she had to edit out the bits of this shitshow she could never put on record was about as unappealing as getting into another pointless fight.

She shook her head and said, “Think I’m gonna head back to mine if you don’t mind. Get an early night.”

“Oh ok.”

It was clearly anything but ok with Alex but Maggie was in no mood for compromises.

“I’ll drop you off on the way through if you like though.”

Alex nodded gratefully and Maggie turned away to unlock the cruiser door. For a moment, she saw Alex’s reflection in the tinted window, standing there clutching her wrist, unsure whether to try and convince her to stay the night.  
But in the end, she didn’t.

 

She simply got in the passenger seat and clipped her seat belt around her as the engine revved up quietly. And let Maggie take her home before the brunette left again, pulling out into the empty street with only one quick glance in her wing mirror.


	9. Kara

It wasn’t much later that night that Alex awoke, sitting bolt upright chest heaving underneath lungs that felt as though they were being pulled flat. Her fingers instinctively went to her neck though whether it was to check for a pair of knotted pants or something more insidious she couldn’t be sure in her panicky state.

Groping around her wildly, she scratched at the planes of linen underneath her; unseeing, unfeeling unable to take in anything. Her whole body was spewing out anxiety in such powerful waves that nothing could get past it and the blinding darkness blanketing everything just made that sensation of suffocating a thousand times worse.

Her gut was an ocean of bilious fluid and it was surging up into places she really couldn’t bear for it to go. Reaching out for Maggie, running on instinct, for any kind of familiar warmth, her hands came up empty when she searched the bedsheets. And when that realisation hit she tried. God, she really tried not to make a sound but that feeling of being trapped alone in her own private nightmare pushed the sob building in her throat up up and out. 

Suddenly the lights burst into life and someone burst into the room.

“Alex, Alex hey hey it’s ok it’s ok.”

“Mag…Maggie?”

Kara sprinted to the edge of the bed then skidded to a stop as soon as she saw those blown pupils and the way Alex scurried back towards the headboard at her presence.

“Alex hey no it’s me,” she said in a hushed tone, trying to keep her voice calming. Pacifying. Even though her heart felt as though it was about to pound out of her chest.

“Where’s M- M…Maggie?”

“She’s not here remember? But she messaged me to see if I could drop by, keep an eye on you in case…”

Kara stared at her sister, crouched up against her pillow with sad eyes.

“She…she left me…”

“Touch or presence, Alex?” said Kara in a low tone.

It was only when the younger Danvers saw that crinkle she loved so much appear at the question that she breathed out a little.

“What do you need right now?” she asked again. Fearing what the answer would be and that it wasn’t one that would let her put her arms around her big sister.

“I can’t…I don’t…”

And unfortunately, Kara got it.  
The thought of making a decision, even the smallest kind that required conscious thought, that called for anything more than siphoning air through her chest was too much for Alex right now. And the worst part was that she was aware of it.

 

Tear stained eyelashes blinked at her though the recognition underneath was fragile.

“I don’t understand.”

Kara offered her a reassuring smile as she paced forwards and sat down slowly on the end of the bed.

“You left the warehouse remember after your op. Maggie texted me from her car after she dropped you back here but it took me a while to get back from the fortress,” she said with a lopsided smile.

Alex’s brow furrowed as she tried to remember.

Pulling her legs up to her chest she looked so small, so lost that Kara again wished she could throw her arms around her.

“Why am I…uh…”

“In the spare room?” finished Kara.

She ducked her head for a moment. “You were already curled up asleep by the time I got here so I figured you didn’t want to stay in yours and Maggie’s…and uh…I was going to crawl in with you like when we were little but I know things have been rough lately and I didn’t want to- I wasn’t sure if you needed some space. From everyone.”

There was no accusation in her tone, only defeat.  
A sadness that made her seem helpless and frustrated all at once.

The sound brought another barrage of tears to Alex’s eyes and shakily, guiltily she reached out a hand and let her fingertips rest on the back of Kara’s hand.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured. “You have enough going on without all this.”

“It’s ok Alex, I’ll always be here if you need me.”

“If?”

Kara tilted her head tenderly. “Maggie’s been doing a pretty bang up job of looking after you right? When I told you not to let her go I meant it. And if that means I have to back off a little to allow some room for you guys to comfort each other then that’s what I’ll do.”

With urgency in her eyes, Alex reached out. “Kara, no- I’ll always need you.”

“Ok then,” she said gratefully.

“It’s not.” Alex said with fierceness. Then she sniffed. “None of this is ok. I just- sometimes I get the urge to…”

She didn’t know how to finish that sentence but ploughed on, wanting to explain, wanting to make someone understand how it felt to carry so much on her shoulders.

“Do you remember when it took you three days to find me after I walked out of that college lecture and caught a bus down to Suez Beach. You were so mad when you found me passed out drunk in the sand. It was the first time I ever heard you yell. Like really yell. At anyone.”

Kara nodded uncomfortably. The image of a teenage Alex splayed out unconscious on a beach where anything could have happened, where anyone could have hurt her, touched her, sent a familiar wave of venom crashing through Kara’s system but she tried manfully to tamp it down. Trying to understand what her sister was saying.

Scooting closer, so that they were sat side by side, Kara swallowed. “You scared the crap out of me back then.”

Alex blinked back tears leaning against Kara’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

Kara noticed the opening and slid an arm around Alex, shuffling around so that they were curled up together; checking every step of the way that the brunette was calm and not feeling pressured by the movement.

“You’ve apologised enough for that Alex. You don’t owe me anything. It’s in the past.”

Alex seemed to accept that sitting there, staring at the far wall and Kara was unbelievably relieved.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes, the warmth of their two bodies keeping them comfortable; Kara’s mind spinning as she tried to work out what was going on with her sister. Why things had gotten so messed up with her and Maggie. 

She had some ideas. 

Alex never had been great at explaining her motivations, preferring instead to chalk her need to push people away up to being independent. Being the self-reliant super-scientist their Mom had always pushed her to be. But that wasn’t the only reason she did it.  
She bolted when things got too much. Too close.   
When she felt exposed or weak.  
Because weakness had always been disapproved of or dismissed by Eliza and had no place in the Danvers household.  
The devastating effects of what Eliza had taught them were still alive and kicking even now.

“Maggie thinks I don’t trust her enough to talk about what happened to me.”

Ah. There it was. Kara’s chest ached at the vulnerability in her sister’s voice, at the hurt in it and the recognition of some element of truth in the accusation. 

“Alex. Defending yourself doesn’t make you a terrible person. Even when the way you do it puts you at risk,” she replied carefully.

Alex went to argue with her but was cut off by a serious stare. “No, I know what you’re thinking. This doesn’t make you a coward or weak or whatever other label you’re trying your best to slap on your own skin.” She linked their hands on top of the bedsheet. “The things you’ve been through, the things you’ve seen doing what you do. You faced them all down without even blinking because you had to. Because that’s who you are. You’ve kept everyone safe.”

She held up her index finger.

“Almost everyone.”

Alex’s stomach bottomed out. Who had she failed now? Kara? Maggie? The thought that she’d let anyone she cared about down made her feel nauseous until Kara squeezed her fingers to get her attention again.

“I meant you Alex. You.”

Oh.

There it was then.  
The truth spoken aloud.

“You think I should have fought Rick off,” Alex stated wretchedly. 

It wasn’t a question but a declaration and one she’d considered a hundred times since she’d woken up to Maggie and Kara’s concerned faces on that damp cement floor; her lungs burning and wet.

“No! I didn’t…”

Kara turned to look at her with conviction. 

“What happened to you was no-one’s fault. He’d been stalking both of you for months without any of us knowing. Nobody, not you, not J’onn, not me- none of us could have stopped him if we were in that situation.”

She frowned as a thousand awful memories from that night vaulted into her mind. “You held on in that cage longer than anyone had any right to Alex. You fought. For hours.” Her tongue suddenly felt large and thick in her mouth saying these things, bringing them into the light but she wasn’t about to stop now. Not when Alex needed to hear them. 

“I’ve never been as proud of you as I have been since that whole nightmare began.”

Kara’s words were sincere and they warmed Alex’s skin but she couldn’t help scoffing at that assessment given the weeks of sleepless nights and angry tirades in an empty flat. Cold morning despair.

“That’s ridiculous,” she murmured.

In response Kara nudged her shoulder as if she was offended though in reality she was something else entirely.

“I’m an inter-stellar alien masquerading as a mild-mannered reporter. I’m allowed to be ridiculous if I want.”

Alex wanted to laugh. She really did but the weight sitting on her chest wouldn’t allow it. She breathed out slowly.

“Kara, you and Maggie need to stop talking about me like I’m some kind of hero. I’m what they trained me to be. Nothing more nothing less.”

What?

Kara shook her head as she stared across the room this time. “So that’s who you are? Just a bunch of routines and conditioning?”

Silence.

“That’s all any soldier is,” Alex said finally.

Kara shook her head more firmly this time and gripped Alex’s hand as tight as she could. “Come on, that’s stupid. You train new recruits every day and work alongside the more experienced ones. You’re always telling me about the ones who didn’t make the grade. The ones who mess up in knife training. The ones who ace field surveillance. You’re the agent who gave an entire lecture on how each of them has different skill levels in different areas or don’t you remember that?”

The argument was so logical and delivered so compassionately that Alex’s eyes began to glisten hearing how much attention Kara obviously paid in their bitching sessions about work over coffee and a bear claw.

But that was different.  
That didn’t apply to her.  
It couldn’t.

“Alex, even if you weren’t my sister, I’d trust the word of a woman who survived being drugged and locked up in a tank with nothing to keep herself alive except a credit card and a pair of pants any day of the week.”

“Would you trust the word of a woman who led her sister into a trap and put both the people she loved in an impossible situation?” Alex whispered.

People that she loved.

The comment wasn’t lost on Kara but now wasn’t the time for focusing on that. Now was the time to drag her sister back from the edge of something into the light and give her a chance of fixing things with a girlfriend who’d sat next to her bed in the med bay for hours while she was unconscious.

“You’re too hard on yourself.”

“Or not hard enough.” Alex said.

Kara frowned. “Is that how you see Maggie, then? Is that all she is, a bundle of academy guidelines and a piece of hammered out copper she clips to her belt every morning?”

A harsh inhale answered her.

Alex shook her head emphatically. “God no, she’s so much more than that…She’s smart and strong but compassionate when no-one else is and…and…”

And…amazing.   
So amazing that she couldn’t even find the words to…

“So are you Alex.”

Kara dropped a hand onto her sister’s thigh.

“You spend so much time looking after the world and everyone in it, why can’t you include yourself in that?”

Alex didn’t know how to answer. Not when Kara asked.

And not when Maggie had asked her the same thing, her eyes scanning her for injuries even though they’d all healed up well enough. Watching for any trembling in her hands as she made coffee. 

“I don’t need to be monitored,” Alex said quietly. “The way Maggie watches me, looking for signs of a relapse or something; it’s like I’m one of her street kids who can’t take of themselves.”

“You worry about me even though I’m bullet-proof, right?” 

Kara spoke delicately.

Her sister smiled wanly. “Of course.”

The affirmative answer was encouraging.

With a soft twinkle in her eyes, the blonde licked her lips as she said, “Well me and Maggie worry about you. That doesn’t mean you’re weak or needy, we’d worry just the same if you were invincible. One isn’t a reflection of the other.”

Alex actually took that in as her nail dragged along the sheet.  
She couldn’t deny Kara’s point; the truth behind it.  
Eliza always told her that she worried about her girls whether they were safe at home or in National City fighting aliens. She’d thought that had been ludicrous at the time but now, it actually made sense.  
That a person’s unwavering sense of concern had little or nothing to do with the behaviour of the person in question.

God, how had it taken her this long to realise.

Thoughts of Maggie filled her mind; soft dark hair covering their pillow. Sleepy smiles and kisses in the semi-darkness.  
Small notes and lingering gazes.

But then another memory hit her. Their conversation in the car. Pained pupils staring at her. Gritted teeth and heavy air.

Alex froze causing Kara to look at her.

“What?”

Alex stared down at the sheets. 

“She already hates me for opening up to my counsellor instead of her. If I tell her I talked to you about this stuff she’s going to be even more mad at me.”

Kara dropped her head onto her shoulder gently. “She’s got her own demons to contend with. If you explain she’ll understand. I promise. She sent me here after all, didn’t she? Maybe the night apart is all she needs to calm down.”

It was a wonderful thought.  
A calming one that silenced some of the buzzing gnats in her stomach.  
Tomorrow then.   
Tomorrow she’d sit down with Maggie and talk to her.  
Really talk.

She owed her that at least.

Decision made, she turned leaning on her elbow as she glanced at Kara’s warm expression.  
But for right now.

“You wanna stay tonight?” She said quietly. “Be my Dutch courage instead of the kind that comes in a bottle?”

The nervousness underneath Alex’s request was completely disarming causing Kara to smile fully, wrinkling up her nose. “There’s nothing I like more than a slumber party, you know that. Even if your apartment smells a little ripe.”

Alex chuckled, “Haven’t really had the energy to clean recently.”

Scooching down next to her sister, Kara offered her a “fair enough” before breathing out a sigh of relief. They lay down next to each other, Alex’s hand on Kara’s wrist wrapped around it to keep them connected, each of them lost in their own thoughts.

After what felt like hours, she peeked across to see Alex’s eyes closed.  
Now that her sister was finally asleep she grabbed her cell and shot off a text Maggie to let her know that everything was ok.

At least she hoped it was.  
She wasn’t totally convinced of that but it was the best she could do.  
Then she lay down again, pulling Alex against her chest where she could hear her heartbeat strong and rhythmic. Waiting for sleep to come take her too.


	10. Infection

Maggie was an absolute mess.  
She’d spent the whole of last night tossing and turning, aching for Alex, wanting to get out of her bed and head over to check on her girlfriend, to apologise; tell her she had no idea what she’d been thinking saying no to her. Wondering where those words had come from.  
Wondering where any of the roiling anger and hurt inside her had sprung from.

She’d been too dismissive, she knew it.  
Alex was going through hell and she hadn’t given her any leeway; any space to find some equilibrium outside of their relationship.   
Yes, she’d put their mission at risk but it had been her first time back in the field and she’d been trying to be honest with Maggie about her sessions, about finally opening up to someone when Maggie had shot her down. When she’d let her own jealousies get in the way of everything.

The text from Kara last night telling her everything was all right had calmed her anxiety somewhat but the rolling sensation heavy in her stomach was still there; pulsating and acrid.

Something was wrong, she could feel it.

“Come on Sawyer, we’ve got a situation breaking out on the drugs case. Get your jacket!”

Not that she had time to think about it now, apparently.

 

Waving at McLcaren’s flushed face she grabbed her coat from the back of her chair, sliding her pistol into its holster and was just jogging to catch up with him when someone grabbed her arm.

“Sawyer? Maggie Sawyer?”

Grumbling she turned to find an acne-ridden delivery man standing there holding a large bouquet of pale yellow flowers.

She stared at them astonished.

“Uh these are for you.”

Handing them over with an embarrassed half-smile the kid sped away leaving her there with an armful of foliage.

“Oh, secret admirer, is it? What would your girlfriend have say about that?”

Maggie would have flipped Detective Johannsen the finger if she’d had a hand free but instead she carefully walked back to her desk and put the arrangement down, grabbing the white card from where it was wedged underneath the flower-heads.

It said two words only.

I’m sorry.

Alex.  
They had to be from Alex, there was no other explanation that made sense and Maggie’s coiled tension unwound slightly as she gently ran the pad of a finger over a soft petal. It was almost as soft as Alex’s skin and it felt warm under her touch. Loving.  
Almost as if Alex was really here.

With a small smile blooming on her face, Maggie threw all professional decorum to the wind as she leaned in to take in a lungful of their scent.  
And promptly coughed as her nostrils were filled with a strange powdery substance that made the back of her throat gag.  
Her head started to spin almost immediately and grabbing frantically at the edge of her desk she did her best to keep from toppling over right then and there.

“Hey hey you ok there?”

She felt a hand on her shoulder but the intense urge to sneeze or maybe throw up flushed through her system and she didn’t have the energy or lucidity to do anything other than grip the desk tighter and squeeze her eyes closed.

“Maggie?”

The voice of her Captain came from somewhere but she couldn’t pinpoint it in amongst the swaying curtain of black all around her. Until it was right next to her ear and another hand was on her upper arm.

“You need to sit down?”

Opening her eyes, water collecting at the corners Maggie grimaced. “No, Sire I’m- I just…have allergies I guess.”

“I didn’t know you had allergies.”

Neither did I.

Relaxing her wrist, she did her best to straighten up, blinking to clear her vision. Captain Fornoway was staring at her with concern.

“You want Mercanowitz to take your spot on the op?”

The thought of John Mercanowitz, office bigot and constant thorn in the side of the HR team filling in for her when finally, they had something concrete filled Maggie with both alarm and aggravation so Maggie thrust her shoulders back despite the vertigo she was still reeling from.

“No sir, I’m good to go.”

He didn’t seem completely convinced but when she threw him a defiant stare he took a step back.

“All right then. But go get some antihistamines on your way back.”

Offering a cheeky little salute Maggie nodded and once again began making her way towards the rotating doors; trying not to look directly at them as their constant spinning made her light-headedness a thousand times worse.

===============

 

Jesus, the building was more of a mess than even the briefing had described.  
Half of the west side of the multi floor structure was crumbling, the metal stairwell clinging to the brickwork twisted and barely holding its own weight. The idea that there was any kind of sophisticated lab set up inside was almost ludicrous but then again, that was probably the exact reason their targets had chosen this place.

Watching for the signal, Alex felt a rumble of unease underneath her skin ripple but she tried to focus her attention on the hand movements of the squad leader. On the feel of her Kevlar jacket pressing against her abdomen and the wind whipping around her throat.

She had been expecting a number of scenarios to unfold since getting up this morning. An angry phone call from J’onn asking her to explain herself and the unprofessional behaviour she’d displayed last night. A call from Dr Isley asking her to come in for an emergency session, to get to the bottom of what happened in the sting.

Hell, even some kind of preliminary investigation by HR into her history, training.

A reprimand at the very least.

But when she’d woken, a few hours after Kara had kissed her forehead and left, the message on her phone from work had simply given her a meeting time at the DEO conference room and advised her to wear ‘tactically appropriate uniform.’

Once again, it had been hard to find the energy to get out of bed at all but the thought of maybe getting to see Maggie at the meeting, of being able to try and explain what had happened was impetus enough for her to suit up and make her way through the city.

Her nerves sky-rocketed as she entered the code for the main floor but no-one had stopped her as she walked through the bank of consoles. There were no raised voices or angry glares from the admin team typing away at their computers.

Checking her desk quickly she was surprised to find a bunch of flowers lying there, a bundle of beautiful canary-coloured blooms wrapped delicately in thin spotted paper. Glancing around for some idea of where they had come from she picked them up gingerly and grabbing the note stuck inside, read it quickly.

I’m sorry

That was all it said. The handwriting wasn’t familiar but there could only have been one person who had sent them. Maggie.  
Her heart soared in her chest as she breathed in their scent, trying to see if contained anything of the raspberry aroma that always seemed to cling to her girlfriend.

It didn’t however.  
In fact, their aroma was strange and cloying- it pushed its way into her throat making her cough and try to swallow to clear the place where it sat heavy and solid.   
A surge of fear and anger clawed at her as she dropped them back onto her desk and smacked at her chest to help her breathe again.  
What the hell?

She’d never been allergic to any kind of pollen before but for some reason her head felt hot and muzzy all of a sudden; stuffed full of mucus and cotton wool.

Of course, Maggie would pick the flower she was apparently hypersensitive to.

That was how things seemed to be going lately.   
Alex coughed again, feeling her eyes water but when she glanced at the clock she suddenly realised she was going to be late for the briefing so she wiped furiously at her eyelids and ignoring the monster migraine building up over her forehead jogged distractedly over to the east side of the room.

Her nerves resurfaced as she got there just in time.  
When she made it to the conference room, she barely had time to suck in a hot breath before making her way through the windowless double doors, and though she steeled herself, found that no-one balked at her presence or shot a knowing glance at anyone else.  
She was in the clear.

She had no idea how but she was.  
She stayed quiet nonetheless not bringing any attention to herself as Alex realised there was no NCPD presence at the meeting at all. Instead she found she was simply walked through the procedure like everyone else standing there are the back of the room, her firearm handed out with everyone else’s while her pulse skyrocketed at the feel of it compact and weighty in her palm.  
They didn’t know she realised.  
But how could that be?  
Maggie as team leader had to have filled in a report, detailing everything that happened on scene yesterday.

Maybe she hadn’t handed it in yet; it wasn’t like she didn’t have other things on her mind.  
Or maybe she was saving it up for the big hit.  
She wouldn’t do that though. No matter how angry she was right now.

Focus damnit, this is what got you into this mess in the first place.  
Alex tried. Hard as it was with her mind scrambling all over the place, clutching at threads of conversations from the last few weeks, she did her best to focus.  
Gripping her own wrist, she used the sensation to hold her in the moment as they filed out. Got into their DEO armoured vehicles.  
Made their way downtown.

She didn’t let go of her wrist the entire time.

And now they were here. 

None of the men in the team had moved a muscle since they got to the outer edge of the target building; they were like statues barely even breathing, a row of waiting gargoyles but Alex’s breath was loud in her own ears; struggling to find a natural rhythm.

Then they were off; the command signalled to move.  
Making their way inside, her breathing sounded even more fitful as it bounced off the walls.  
They moved in one flank; as one beast as they went through a dark doorway and up some stairs.  
All the while, the space around her seeming to get smaller and smaller though she knew logically that was impossible.  
Movement stilled as they came to the main floor, but the quiet sound of safety catches being removed was obvious enough.

As was the clink of glassware and the sounds of bubbling liquids and distilling mechanisms hanging heavy in the air. From the sounds of it there were at least ten people working inside. Scientists maybe or meth dealers corralled into working on the new product. Anyone with some rough background in chemistry and an eye on profit margins. But techies also meant security; no criminal in their right mind was going to leave a production outfit unprotected with just the science nerds present. Unsupervised.  
Not for an enterprise this large.

Watching her team leader assessing the situation, Alex focused on the sounds around her, analysing them, filing them away for her report. Concentrating on anything she could identify. Anything that was tangible.

At least that’s what she was doing right up until a sardonic whistle suddenly broke the air from across the room, drawing her attention.

It was so out of place and yet so familiar in amongst the orchestra of other sounds that it burned the insides of her ears.

Alex couldn’t help herself. Peeking around the huddle of men in front she froze as she saw a familiar side view and the shadow of someone chained to the ceiling; arms suspended above, pain etched in their posture.  
She almost let go of her weapon at the sight of Maggie hanging there; exposed and alone.

“You’re the little alien groupie huh, always sticking your nose in our business?” A pause. “Anyone ever tell you how pathetic that makes you look?”

Lactic acid burned through Alex, as she heard those words echo nearby.  
But they didn’t make any sense.

Livewire was safely locked away, wasn’t she?  
She couldn’t have gotten out without the DEO being aware of it. Couldn’t have somehow turned her hand to drug dealing without the NCPD picking up on that. And how did she get to Maggie this time? She should have been safe in the precinct surrounded by other officer.  
It was impossible.

Her team captain began whispering instructions on splitting off, covering each side of the production floor with maximum footfall but none of it meant anything to Alex.

All she could think about was Maggie.  
Tied up there; helpless.

She knew what she was going to see before Maggie’s face came into view; the strip-lights revealing taut lines and angry eyes.  
Half of her couldn’t bear to see it.  
And the other half blazed with the urge to throw caution to the wind, to screw creeping around the perimeter of the warehouse and just storm in there; take all of that attention away from the NCPD detective.  
To keep Maggie safe.

She heard voices next to her.

“Looks like they’ve got one of their own strung up.”

The hint of satisfaction in the comment would have prompted a rebuke from her any other time but Alex didn’t hear it; staring as she was at the captive chained up a few metres away.

“Our informant by the looks of it. Proceed with caution. If that’s how they treat their own then they’re not gonna do us any favours.”

She wasn’t listening.  
All she could see was Maggie.  
Dark hair underneath struggling limbs.

Gauging the sightlines of the others in the room, Alex readied herself.

“Primary task is to shut this place down, obtain samples of the drug in its raw form for analysis and contain any and all felons involved.”

She had to do something.  
Get Maggie out of there before anything else happened to her.  
Screw their primary task.  
Screw all of it.

Alex glanced around the room at the figures hunched over their equipment. Their presence didn’t seem to have been noticed yet thankfully.  
Words floated across to her. Something about alien amnesties.  
Equal rights.

What the hell did that have to do with drug production?

It didn’t make any sense but right now, she didn’t care.

Alex’s body was awash with sensations that fought against each other; her nervous system a battle ground but she couldn’t afford to show any of that in her face. Her movements.  
Not in front of the other men. Not when she was finally getting back to being a soldier.  
Back to what she was good at.  
Supposed to be good at.

Says who?

That was a question for another time.

Bouncing her leg impatiently, she ignored the signal to wait for their camera drone to circle the ceiling before moving off; her attention was on the gap between her and the nearest soldier. She began moving. Tip-toeing to the end of a row of boxes, her view was finally thankfully unobscured and there she was suddenly; Maggie, a few feet away.  
Hands bound above her head, her boots barely skimming the floor, the muscles in her upper arms straining though she was trying to not to show it. Trying to look unaffected.

We’re more alike than I thought.  
It was a comforting and terrifying revelation, and it made Alex’s trigger finger sweat.

“What the hell is she doing?!”

Urgent whispers behind her bounced off her skin.

“She’s gonna blow this whole thing!”

Something in the back of Alex’s mind told her that the scene was too familiar, that she’d been here before, that this was just a trick of the mind but that was ridiculous. She was all headache and adrenaline now.

 

Screwing up her eyes in concentration she watched a slender female figure wandering around, examining the space around her prisoner. But before Alex could get a full recon, that bitch was suddenly all up in Maggie’s space, grabbing her contorted face as she mocked her, touching her without consent.

Alex practically growled at what she was seeing, barely registering the large hand wrapping around her wrist.

Berriford, one of her best tactical guys glanced at her. “We’ve got to wait for the schematics from the drone and for the guard to put some space between her and the captive. Divide and conquer, remember.”

But God, he was too calm. Too logical about the whole thing and Alex desperately wanted to tell him that so he’d get his goddamn hand off her. It reminded her of the weight of Maggie’s hand ghosting the gun in her waistband. Just another person who hadn’t trusted her to do the right thing, to know how to handle herself. A wave of anger pulsed through her and she shoved him off, pulling her gun up high. This was on her after all.

Maggie might not trust her, but right now she needed her. And Alex had pushed her away every time she’d tried to get close so this whole situation was kind of her fault. She’d messed up and now Maggie was paying the price when the consequences should have been on her head.

“Amnesty is just another mask to disguise registration.”

The sound of boots landing on concrete got her head back in the game.

Kara?

“That’s a pretty cynical opinion.”

Kara wasn’t supposed to be here. She’d told Alex she was heading back to the Fortress this morning for some solitude and J’onn had given them all a speech before they saddled up on how their tactics would be modified since Supergirl wouldn’t be providing back up.

Kara had lied to her.  
That molten anger burned white almost consuming her.

And without a signal, without giving any of the other guys a heads-up Alex found her legs moving of their own accord; sneaking across the dirty, wet floor soundlessly until she was right in front of the captive woman who was too busy trying to wriggle her way free to notice her for a moment.

Then their eyes locked and that flash of something fiery and intangible flowed between them.

If she’d hoped getting face to face with Maggie would dampen down her frustrations with her, she was wrong. So wrong.  
Maggie’s obstinate expression and sharp shake of the head chastised her for her recklessness, making Alex want to scream.

A little thanks might be nice.

She had to concentrate though.  
She had a job to do.

Recriminations could wait.

Sliding her pistol back into its holster, Alex reached up to work on the knots binding Maggie’s wrists, scorching the delicate skin there. She frowned at the Chinese tattoo scratched into Maggie’s forearm. How had she not noticed that before?

It didn’t matter now.  
She had to get her free, so she’d at least be an asset instead of a liability.

Liability?

Alex didn’t remember ever thinking that word about Maggie. Not once.  
But it sat on top of her tongue as she worked the ropes through, burning her fingertips with the speed at which she unwound them.  
She was almost there.

Almost.   
There.  
Until all hell broke loose behind her.

The sound of her team sprinting, weapons up, towards the lab equipment over the other side of the room echoed behind her, the cries of alarm and multiple pairs of running feet following within a few seconds.   
Glass smashed somewhere, a table overturned and then everything was a mass of shouts and gunshots.

She stared up at Maggie wildly, her head pounding and Maggie’s face morphed for a second into a pale sickly young girls with matted blonde hair shaved at the side. But when she screwed up her eyes and opened them again, Maggie was back.

As she finally unwound the ropes around her girlfriend’s wrists a blast, an explosion of sound and noise suddenly exploded on Alex’s right side, searing her face and knocking both of them off their feet. Staining their clothes with God knows what from that filthy concrete.

Quickly pulling herself together, she grabbed Maggie’s letterman jacket sleeve and the pair of them sprinted quickly away, huddling behind a row of metal canisters before anyone noticed.

Her heart was beating a mile a minute.

“You ok?” Alex said gruffly, not making eye contact with Maggie; instead keeping her attention fixed firmly on the chaotic scene unfolding on the other side of the room. 

“Uh yeah. Thanks?”

The reply came in a higher pitched voice than she expected but Alex didn’t have time to worry about that.  
Besides. That was it, huh? That’s was all she was going to get.  
The bare minimum of gratitude.

Half of her wanted to just reach over there and pull Maggie into a hug and the other half wanted to punch her in the shoulder for all those accusations she’d made about how closed off Alex was, how insular when here they were, Maggie barely able to say thanks for saving her properly.

Staring at a revolver lying a few feet away Alex stowed her anger as best she could. Reaching across carefully she grabbed it, cocked it and handed it over.

“Take the gun and get out.”

She pressed it into waiting hands.

“Holy shit, what the hell are you doing Danvers?!”

The yell came from somewhere metres away.

She hadn’t meant to sound so indifferent with her girlfriend but her own momentum didn’t give her the time to question how Maggie might interpret that. And truth be told, right now she didn’t really care. She’d already broken protocol to get to the other woman so there was definitely gonna be some blowback from that. Being in the presence of the other woman wasn’t helping her keep her cool any either.

All she heard was a stifled “Don’t…” in a gruff voice from the same person who had yelled her name.

And that was enough to spur her on. To get up and walk brazenly into open ground; nerves firing, drawing all the attention of the hostiles.

Alex offered up a smirk. “Right here, ass-holes.”

A number of gun sights found her within a second and she tensed her muscles ready to dive out of their line of sight.

She felt powerful.  
In control.

And as she waited for Maggie to ignore her instructions, for her to join in the fray with some ridiculously inappropriate comment about how ‘you guys are fun,’ and for the relief to pour through her because everyone was ok, something in the scenario changed.  
Out of all recognition.

The gun shot didn’t come from in front of her. It sounded from behind, the place she had just emerged from and her body jerked as a bullet tore through her shoulder muscles with painful force.   
Alex’s legs crumpled underneath her as she fell to the floor.

Maggie had shot her?  
With the gun she’d given her?  
That couldn’t be.

It couldn’t.

Hitting concrete, legs boneless, the gun slipping from her grip Alex felt a wave of hot nausea and pain pulse through her as a shadowy figure suddenly hovered above.

She’d hoped it might be Maggie.  
Coming to comfort her, to explain that it had been an accident, that she’d never hurt her.  
But this wasn’t the smiling face of the woman she loved.  
Instead a stony-faced agent glared at her as he brusquely pressed material against her wound. 

“Get the gun and get out?! Seriously?! Why the hell would you give a suspect a firearm?!”

The force of his anger seeped into her tired fuzzy brain, the heavy weight of his hand pressing down on her raw wound making her want to throw up. 

“You jeopardized this entire operation goddamnit!”

Squeezing her eyes shut she lost herself in the grey swirling behind her eyes.

“What was that Alex?”

The angry voice of her commander seemed to morph slowly into one with a higher register. A woman’s voice.  
One she was accustomed to. One she’d been hoping for.  
Swallowing painfully Alex kept her eyes shut.

“Maggie?” she said weakly.

“What was that?” she said again.

“I was just doing my job, trying to keep you safe…” she murmured.

“Because a lowly NCPD detective couldn’t be any help in closing a situation like this?” 

Alex’s mouth dropped open at the insinuation but she couldn’t seem to get her eyes to open anymore. The effort of it was too much.

“I didn’t mean it like that…”

She whispered it trying her best to form words. Something, anything that might make Maggie understand.

“There was no time to come up with a new plan…and I thought I knew how it would turn out…”

She heard the soft sound of Maggie’s arms crossing of their own accord, her leather jacket pulling taut against her biceps. “Plausible enough. And that’s all it was?”

Alex nodded swiftly, her shoulder and insides burning in tandem especially when more pressure was added by a heavy hand.

“…Or maybe it’s just because the great and powerful DEO prefer the glory to the grunt work? I’ve seen your arrest records. Those are some pretty sweet numbers.”

No, no, no.  
This wasn’t right. None of this was right.

Her legs were shaking laid out in front of her, the blood loss causing them to shiver but she forced them into being still. 

“Maggie, you were kidnapped. Taunted. I didn’t want you racking up any more nightmares on your conscience,” she whispered desperately.

“Exactly. I was taken. I was the one who had to listen to that maniac’s rantings. I was the one who thought there was a chance no-one was coming for me.” 

That comment alone sent a cold flush through Alex’s entire body.

If Maggie noticed her shiver, she didn’t say anything. 

“Well they’re all yours to bag and tag. And I’m grateful for the intervention. I am. But out of all of us here, I was the one who deserved the chance to shut that bitch down. I want that on record.”

That was clearly all the NCPD Detective had to say because then her shadow was gone; the heavy weight on Alex’s gunshot lifted at the same time and sent her into a lightheaded panic.

And that was when the pain inside her head, inside her veins spiked and everything around her sank into blackness. Hot, syrupy darkness that stopped everything dead.


	11. Contagion

Ever the queen of understatement, McLaren.  
A situation breaking out?  
This wasn’t a situation, this was a warzone.

The second the NCPD tactical van pulled up on Wentworth Grove, the sound of breaking bottles smashing against the panelled sides made everyone inside jump. The glow of small fires flickered through the front windshield bathing the entire team in an eerie glow while their driver slammed the wheel right and left to avoid random rioters trying to front up and force the van to punch its brakes.   
There was debris everywhere, shadowy figures sprinting every which way.  
Their feral faces cloaked in hoodies and home-made wraps.

A warzone?  
This was the freaking Purge.  
And word had come down from on high that it was all caused by this new drug that had taken hold. Driving people into violence and insanity. Infecting the whole goddamn North edge of the city.

“Stun grenades and subdue techniques only!” Maggie yelled holding onto a strap attached to the ceiling, trying to keep her head from pounding.

Everyone grunted that they’d heard her and as soon as the tyres squealed to a stop they flung themselves out to get visual on the situation.

Staring around her Maggie sucked in a breath.

This was an actual nightmare she’d had many times. The park where local high school dropouts hung out, using the swing seat as their makeshift couch was full of blackened grass, the slide’s metal covering ripped off and left stacked up against a burning garbage can.  
The hardware store opposite had gaping holes where it’s windows should be, the display case ransacked, utensils lying forlornly amongst the pieces of glass underneath. She dreaded to think which tools had been taken by the looters. What kind of arsenal they had at their disposal.

There were trashed cars lining the street, some of them with feet sized dents in the bonnets.  
But worst of all were the faces of the rioters when she tried to get a look under the material obscuring them; a sea of emotionless white visages huddled together in clusters, a few lone vigilantes wielding bits of pipe, hammers- whatever they had found on their travels.  
They looked rabid.  
Savage.

Maggie was sure she recognised one or two of them from across the street, more from the manner in which they walked than anything but the way their teeth were bared and their glazed eyes stared hollowly around them it was hard to tell. 

“Alright, everyone on the street not in police uniform down on the ground,” boomed her lieutenant a few feet away using a megaphone to amplify the command. “You have ten seconds to comply.”

Crap.

Well that was definitely the wrong thing to say.  
The aggression in his tone seemed to spark something in the mismatched crowd, and they all began to run towards the van as if a signal had gone out. The group was on the NCPD team before they could all raise their weapons.

Steeling herself to take on a tall vicious looking skinhead, Maggie was taken by surprise when a small girl threw herself on top of her from behind, knocking the pair of them to the ground, making her head ring more than it had been in the moving van. Grappling against the girl’s scratching fingernails and flailing arms, she tried her best to hold the assailant’s head away from her neck where the girl was trying to gnash her teeth. She was like a wild animal.

Using her upper arm strength to roll them over Maggie finally managed to pin the teenager down with her full weight.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” she hissed but the girl simply laughed, a sinister high-pitched sound and tried to free her hands so she could scratch her face.

As a trio of teenage boys sprinted past their feet providing a momentary distraction the girl suddenly looked her full in the face searching her eyes with her own dull pupils.

“Hey, you’re that cop.”

A leaden recognition was staring up at her.

“What gave it away? The uniform or the big truck behind me marked Police?” she said acidly.

The girl simply scrutinised her leaving Maggie to peer down at her angrily though she didn’t let go.

“You played a few rounds of pool with me and Jessie down at the Rec one time.”

Searching her brain while chaos reigned all around them, she suddenly came up with a murky memory. Of bar lights and the smell of something unsanitary.

She breathed out. “It’s Rawleigh right? You had a mean reverb shot?”

The girl almost looked impressed underneath the rage still etched in her sunken face but then kicked out without warning catching Maggie’s knee. Losing focus for a moment, the girl took advantage of Maggie’s distracted groan. Scrabbling around wildly she brought a rock up, hitting the detective hard in the side of the head.

Sparks exploded behind her eyes. And it took all her energy not to crumple into a heap on her side.

She could feel warm blood trickling down from her hairline but Maggie fought to maintain her position on top of the girl; adrenaline numbing the pain for a moment at least.

“What have you taken Rawleigh?” Maggie growled, searching her pupils.

“What makes you think I’ve taken anything?”

The detective stared down at her sallow skin, the bags around her eyes and the thick gleam across her sclera.

“Who’s giving this stuff out?”

Adjusting one of her arms to take some of her weight of it, Maggie shook her head as that headache and dizziness from the station came back in full force.

“Looks like you could use a little pick-me-up yourself officer?” the girl said with a manic giggle.

Maggie clicked her tongue, the comment allowing her to change tack.

“Ok then why don’t you give me the name of your supplier? Maybe I’ll try it out for myself. See if it’s as great as you guys seem to think.”

A sardonic grin answered her. “You’re too by the book. You couldn’t handle it.”

Movement burst into Maggie’s peripheral vision. She watched Weathers take on the three hooded teenagers out of the corner of her eye even as she held her position then glimpsed at their driver barricading himself inside the van while a couple of grizzled older men with ragged beards tried to rip the wipers off.

This was a major operation. To make and sell enough product to affect a whole neighbourhood… Goddamn, they were outmanned tenfold.

The DEO had better have shut down that production line.  
They’d had word that that op was scheduled to go ahead an hour or two earlier but there hadn’t been any updates since then. And no news had to mean good news, didn’t it?  
Or this nightmare was just going to spread. First to the whole of the inner city then to the suburbs. At which point no amount of law enforcement would be able to keep it in check.

The thought was cut off as a couple of shabby women in ripped shirts ran past them, a heavy boot stamping intentionally on the edge of Maggie’s hand as they passed. She almost collapsed on top of her captive at the jarring pain that flowed through her wrist but managed to stay up somehow.

“Hey why don’t we head to the rec now?” She grunted.

Trying to focus on a connection with the girl underneath her.  
Resisting the urge to cradle her left hand. 

“Give me the chance to win my money back? Get away from this madness”

Her own words sent a shard of recognition through her, blurring the detective’s vision for a moment.

The smell of alcohol and something else wafting from the teenager made everything muzzy and when she stared down at her, for a moment it wasn’t a young teen, it was someone else lying there eyeing her up. Someone way too self-assured, decked out in a green Henley and stonewash jeans that fit her perfect frame, dollar notes in her hand. Smirk on her beautiful face.

“With the rate you play we’d be here for hours!”

“I- what?”

That was a conversation from another time.  
With someone else.  
Someone who couldn’t be here. 

Her stomach jerked. Alex wasn’t here. Alex couldn’t be in the middle of a street-war, lying underneath her. It wasn’t possible.

She was hallucinating. Or the blow to her head had affected her vision.

Maggie didn’t want to look down again. Because she knew that voice, the feel of that body under hers and it had to be a concussion or something.   
Had to be.

But when she chanced another glance underneath her, there she was. Alex pinned down on the dirty ground. And she looked so real. So alive and tangible laying there on the ground, held down by a palm on each shoulder.  
Maggie had never been so glad and terrified of anything right at that moment.

But before she could say anything, ask Alex what the hell was going on, suddenly the detective’s mind was full of the reproaches and catty comments from their recent arguments. All the sly glances and backhand comments.  
All the dreams and the ways in which Alex had changed.

And just like that all that relief left her only to be replaced by irritation.  
Did Alex really think this was the place for playful banter?!  
The middle of a crisis?

All Maggie wanted to do was get this situation under control and be by herself for a little while.  
Christ, was that too much to ask?

Still smiling at her, Alex seemed completely oblivious to the firestorm raging underneath Maggie’s skin. 

“Your girlfriend’s gonna have to put out an APB if you take another five hours to win your money back, you know.”

Mouth open Maggie stared down at the DEO agent.  
The sounds of smashing glass receding into the background for a moment.

Alex seemed to be waiting for her to say something the way her eyes flickered across her face and Maggie’s tongue felt heavy in her mouth.

“Not likely. Things didn’t go so well with her last time we spoke,” she said quietly, studying Alex’s reaction to the accusation.

Her own brain whispering the whole time.  
What did you expect since you’re the kiss of death in relationships.  
What did you really think was going to happen.

“Oh my God I’m sorry. What happened?”

Alex went still underneath her, a concerned look on her face.  
Like she didn’t know. Hadn’t been there.  
Or was that before things had taken a downturn…it was hard to get things straight in the detective’s muddled brain.

Maggie frowned. “She dumped me.”  
Feeling the words fall out of her mouth before she could think them.

Well not in so many words but close enough.  
Didn’t she?

Alex froze.

“She dumped you? Who would do that?”

The familiarity of the conversation swatted at Maggie, as if she’d heard all these words before, in a different time a different place. But whereas Alex’s disbelief had been sweet last time, now the way she looked up at Maggie, eyes wide, chest heaving, the comment struck her as naïve. A childish attempt to make her feel better when clearly that wasn’t what she wanted. 

Maggie deserved to feel bad. Deserved the space to be allowed to feel like shit.

But Alex didn’t pick up on any of that. Of course, she didn’t.  
All she cared about was following Maggie to crime scenes like a lost puppy.

“Hey are you tripping?” a child’s voice said from underneath her, breaking through her reverie as a series of sirens and powerful blasts sounded in the background. “Seriously, you’d better not be about to puke on me or anything.”

Maggie didn’t hear any of it though; not properly. All she could focus on was Alex’s lithe form and the concern written on her beautiful face.

“Maybe it was just a fight,” Alex said a little hopefully, wriggling a little.  
Just a fight.  
Like it’s ever just a fight.

“She thought I was hard-headed, insensitive, obsessed with work…”  
Reeling off the insults didn’t make Maggie feel any better, even though they felt like whips scoring her skin. That I was closed off. Jealous that she trusted a complete stranger over me. 

“That’s not so bad.”

But it is, Jesus. It is to a normal person with normal expectations of a mature adult relationship.

Maggie stared at her with hard eyes willing the other woman to push her off. To show something other than concern, to show that she at least had the awareness to get that they shouldn’t be having this conversation here in the middle of all this unrest.

“She thinks I’m border-line sociopathic and probably never wants to see me again,” Maggie said tonelessly.

God, she didn’t want that to be true.

She wanted Alex to argue, to say that that was the farthest thing from the truth, that everything between them lately had just been a misunderstanding, a stupid mix up but the smell of burning plastic was making Maggie feel sick again, the fumes from all the police cruisers wafting over the pair of them making everything seem strange and unreal.

“Well, her loss.”

Maggie waited. For some stupid quote to follow. Something like “Loss is nothing but change” or “to win you have to risk loss” but none came to Alex’s credit. She heard her thinking them though, heard her trying to philosophise her way out of Maggie’s bad mood and it only served to deepen it.

She didn’t say sorry though. Didn’t take anything back.  
She just gave up on them

Finally making eye contact, Maggie pushed back leaving her sitting across Alex’s knees. 

“Look this has been fun but I kind of have other things to deal with right now.”

“You think this is a fun?!”   
There was that younger voice again.  
“You sure you’re a cop?!”

Alex’s face blurred into another momentarily, one streaked with dirt and scratches throwing Maggie off but then she was there again and goddamn it was like Maggie had kicked that damn puppy.  
Wounded, Alex blinked uncertainly at her and suddenly she knew she’d made the right decision. She couldn’t take on anyone else’s issues right now. She was barely holding up under the weight of her own.

“I think I should see you later, ok.”

“You need to get somewhere safe,” she added.

Maggie got to her feet as quickly as she could, using her uninjured hand to push herself up and backed up, forcing herself to turn away; away from the woman who made everything inside her ache.  
Alex could take care of herself.  
She’d be ok making her way out of this hellhole.  
Besides Maggie had work to do.

Staring at the broken shops around her Maggie tried her best to quickly work out in her head how much Johnnie Walker the twenty-dollar bill in her pocket would get her once she’d finished her shift.

Not thinking about how ridiculous and vulnerable she must have looked to Alex.  
Or how she was in the middle of this street-fight without any other DEO presence.

Nope, definitely not thinking how she’d just undone the whole bad girl ‘feelings are for losers’ persona she’d kept up every time they’d met up.

“Hey Maggie, get your head in the game. Goddamn!”

That certainly got her attention. The lieutenant seemed to be trapped in a bottle mouth at the opening to an alley, a mob of at least eight men pressing him backwards. She turned back to remind Alex to run, to get to safety but she wasn’t there. There was just the back of a teenage girl loping away from her across the park, kicking a bunch of newspapers onto the nearest fire- no sign of anyone else. 

It didn’t make sense.  
None of it-

Grabbing her head Maggie fought the urge to drop to her knees as she watched the scene in front of her slacken and waft across the tarmac but a second yell from her superior kick-started her instincts good and proper. Praying that Alex was hiding in a safe place Maggie jogged over, trying not to trip over the broken bottles littering the road and pulled two hoodlums back by their hoods, elbowing another two for good measure. One got in a crack to her shoulder that almost took her down but she pivoted around, leaning heavily against the wall.

Luckily when a home-made Molotov cocktail hit the brickwork near their heads, the rest of the crowd dispersed to find easier prey. Easier spoils. Leaving Maggie and her superior standing there breathless, trying to get a read on what was happening.

“This is bigger than we can keep in check,” he muttered. “Someone severely underestimated the size of this shitshow.”

She had to agree. Surveying the besieged streets for signs of attack, and maybe just maybe for signs that Alex hadn’t really gone when she’d told her to; the real scope of the problem soon became apparent despite her pulsing knot of a headache and wavy vision.

“We need back up,” she murmured wincing.

“Maybe if we could contact J’onn, explain the scope of…”

Maggie sighed, “The DEO knows.”

Alex knows.  
She didn’t care.

“How could they know?” he said frowning. “The only radio we have is in the van and those shit-kickers ripped off the antenna the moment we got here.”

It was a good question. None of this made any sense. Not one bit. But the DEO had to know if Alex was here.

Her stomach somersaulted for a moment as the miasma of sounds and smells mixed with the light-headedness from earlier.

The Lieutenant tapped his thick finger on a brick. “We need to come up with a new plan, Sawyer. I’m going to make it back to the van and try and get it outside the infected zone. Once I can get to a telephone we can get in touch with base to see if they want us to pull back or wait for reinforcements.”

She nodded, half listening.

Eyeing her with an anxiety she’d never seen from the hard-nosed man before he put a hand on her throbbing shoulder noticing her flinch. “You’re injured. You need to find somewhere to hole up until we have an affirmative on what to do.”

“I could come with. The van’s a safe hold.”

He shook his head. “The van will be a target again from the second it begins to move. We’re safer splitting up.”

She wanted to argue, that she’d never run from a fight in her life, never left a colleague to run the gauntlet when she was still conscious but she was tired and disoriented; her head was all over the place and clearly, he could see all of that so she simply nodded.

Gave him a weak salute.

And then he was gone. And Maggie was stumbling on, skirting the shop fronts, keeping an eye out for rioters as she pushed her way through mounds of rubble and glass.

She rounded the corner onto Robitaille Street after a few minutes, surveying each broken store-front for somewhere to hide. They were all a complete mess. Broken, looted and left for dead- no locks to keep anyone out, no easy exits to head for.

A complete waste of time.

She kept going.

One foot in front of the other.  
Past one shop then another. Keeping the rhythm going.  
Looking for sanctuary.

It was only when she was halfway down the road that she noticed one single store, it’s metal shutters hanging off their hinges up under the overhang. The windows were splattered with beer stains and cracks and it’s olde worlde wooden sign was tilting off its rail but for some reason the name reverberated inside her head reminding her that she knew this place.

Had been here before.

In what felt like another lifetime.

Swallowing hard, Maggie ran across the street to peer inside. She couldn’t see anything in the murky interior. No occupants. No sign of life.

She should leave it be.

It wasn’t a great place to hide out from what she remembered- one single entrance, one exit out the back presumably. And it was way too close to the eye of the storm violence-wise. But what if the owner was in there alone, waiting this nightmare out? What if she was injured? Or worse?   
Maggie would never forgive herself if she didn’t check. If she didn’t make sure.

Then she could move out, find somewhere else to buckle down. 

Nodding to herself, she patted herself down for a moment; a superstition she’d had for years. Then staggering on, she tested the metal above that threatened to drop onto the back of her neck, and tried the door.  
It was unlocked.  
Not a good sign.  
Raising her gun, she took a deep breath and snuck inside.


	12. Unfurling

Maggie entered Baudelaire’s with her gun raised.  
Her eyes were itching like crazy and that earthy smell from before seemed to be making them worse but she did her best to suck it up and ignore her throbbing head as she tip-toed through the main room, brushing her way past blooms that pressed against her. That reached out to rub against her jacket.

The atmosphere was eerie with no-one in sight.  
She wished Alex hadn’t left. Or that she’d been there at all?  
Oh God her head felt like it was splitting.

“Pamela? Are you ok?” she whispered urgently.  
Worried that the silence meant something more sinister than the woman had simply taken cover from the battles outside.

“Anyone here?”

The sounds of fighting and grunting from behind the window pane was the only thing she could hear in the damp air as she made her way forward, trying to breathe through her mouth.  
When she reached the counter with its unmanned cash register she checked all around her before making her way through the beaded entrance into the back room.

And stopped cold at what she saw.

Someone was working serenely with their back to her, hands buried deep in the earth of a strange looking plant; a black and red monstrous thing which looked more like a parasite than anything. There was no tension in the person’s back, no sense of threat.  
Just tranquillity.  
Maybe even happiness.

The woman turned slowly when she heard Maggie’s boots squeak to a stop.

“Detective Sawyer.” Pamela said evenly, surveying the way Maggie’s hands trembled wrapped as they were around her pistol. “Catching me off guard seems to be a habit with you. Can I get you something? A tea or a coffee perhaps? Or a bandage for that head wound?”

“I…-I…”

Words were impossible. Maggie’s legs threatened to give out as her vision went hazy but she held herself up as best she could staring at the scene in front of her. Every alarm bell ringing inside her ear.

The botanist’s cool demeanour was setting off all kind of warning signs given the siege going on outside and it confused Maggie’s already turbulent thinking, muddling everything inside her brain. She’d never wanted to sit down and close her eyes more in her entire life.

“I wanted to check you were all right,” she said slowly. “And to find somewhere to take a breather.”

The other woman smiled with a gleam in her green eyes before glancing at the plant she was fiddling with. “While I appreciate the sentiment, I don’t think it’s me you should be worried about.”

“How are you and your girlfriend sleeping these days?” she said airily.

It was only then, with that asinine question that somehow some of the puzzle pieces fell into place.  
The cacti. The bunch of flowers. The dreams.

“It was you.”

Maggie’s realisation rode a sea of bile floating inside her gut.

The redhead nodded gleefully as she watched a series of conflicting emotions chase across the detective’s worn face.

“But why?”

Tutting, the taller woman rubbed her hands together, wiping off the dirt.

“Pease. Maggie, you’ve lived here long enough to know that this city is ripe for reshaping. The Daxamites may have had their faults and might have overestimated their strength when it came to Supergirl.” She hissed Kara’s better-known name before her expression cleared. “but they saw its potential just like I do.”

She let that sink in for a moment before rolling her shoulders.

“They even started the job for me, destroying the infrastructure, wiping out some of the money- grabbing high rollers with that overwrought military strike. But more needed to be done. There’s always more to be done. The scroungers and the homeless were still here, scurrying through the wreckage like the rats that they are. So, I had to find a way to take them out of the equation as well before making a new society. And what better way than feeding their need for mind-numbing narcotics. They really did all the work for me, bless their hearts.”

Maggie stumbled backwards for a moment, sweat beading underneath her shirt. “Those people need help not to be exterminated.”

A cruel smirk lit up the woman’s face. “Always the bleeding-heart liberal. That’s going to get you killed one of these days.”

Maggie scrambled mentally to try and reconcile the woman in front of her with the one she had met before, but with the carnage going on outside the more she tried to concentrate the more fog she found herself wading through chaos in her own mind.  
Her nerves ratcheted up even further.

“Not feeling so well Detective? That’s to be expected. I’m surprised you’re still on your feet honestly.”

Maggie frowned.  
And then a series of images vaulted into her mind. The boxful of cacti she had carried so proudly into the bedroom.  
Alex’s cloudy gaze when she had woken up a few days ago; the frustration Maggie had felt whenever they talked. Apologies that never came.   
A conversation. 

“Most people come in here because they’ve done something wrong and want an apology they can pay under ten bucks for to make themselves feel better.”

This realisation hit her harder than a punch.

“You poisoned us.”

Both of us.  
Alex.  
Oh God.

A shrug greeted the statement. “That’s a crude way to put it…but not inaccurate.”

Maggie raised her gun again.

“Why?” she wheezed.

The other woman laughed heartily. “You give yourself too much credit Maggie. You walked into my shop remember? It wasn’t as if I sought you out. I simply took the opportunity that presented itself.”

Oh God.

Maggie had done this.  
It was her fault. She’d brought those things into their home; done Isley’s work for her without even knowing. Shed put Alex in danger when she was at her most vulnerable. 

She’d betrayed her.

“I can see your gears turning from here Detective. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, you really weren’t to know.”

The acquittal felt like ashes falling from the other woman’s mouth.  
Tears began to pool at the corners of her eyes.

“That still doesn’t explain what you were hoping to….”

There was a flash of a smile this time. “I could see you were a force of nature when I met you. It was written in the lines on your face. I thought maybe I’d finally found someone I was attracted to, that was capable of understanding my vision given time. But then you mentioned your girlfriend and the way your face lit up…” Isley frowned. “I knew words would never break that kind of connection. So, I had to find another way to do it.”

“All this because you wanted a date?!” 

Pamela glared at her. “That might have been how it started but then I realised I was thinking way too small.”

The gun handle was sticky in Maggie’s palm but she held it with every ounce of strength she had. Keeping the botanist in the cross hairs.

“It kept going around my brain as we talked. What you said. That she was a Government agent. I figured FBI or CIA at the time, it didn’t really matter either way. All the agencies have their hands full with the reconstruction and resettlement programs at the moment.”

Maggie recalled telling her that and cursed herself inwardly for the slip-up even as she kept her gaze and gun trained on the redhead.

“And what better way to disrupt the renovations than take out one of their agents. That was the plan at least. Until I did a little digging,” Pamela played with some earth between her fingers, “if you pardon the pun. I didn’t realise she was DEO let alone one of their best operatives. I couldn’t have planned that better myself.”

Her gaze turned punishing.

“She’s beautiful I’ll give you that.”

Maggie’s heart lurched. “You- you’ve seen her?”

Isley grinned. “I was a psychiatrist long before I became…this. It wasn’t too hard to forge some clearances and make sure the DEO counsellor had an unfortunate accident to get me access to your oh-so messed up girlfriend.”

Maggie remembered the conversation from the car last night. The thought that Alex had been telling this woman her fears, her worries in what was supposed to be a safe space made her want to throw up. And she’d berated her for it. Judged her.  
Shot her down.

Her entire body went cold. 

“What did you say to her?!

“I just used a few techniques to help her unburden herself.”

The details of their conversation last night flitted through her mind. Alex’s optimism.  
Her pride at finally getting things off her chest.

Maggie shivered though she tried not to show it. 

“You set us up… Jesus, don’t you have any soul left in you?”

“Please. I didn’t make her do or say anything she didn’t want to.”

“You had no right!….”

 

“No right?!” Isley clapped her hands together, a tinge of irritation finally showing itself. “A badge doesn’t automatically give you the moral high ground Detective. Stop taking this so personally! Do you have any idea what this city could become if we wiped it clean and started again?” 

Eyes blazing Pamela stared at Maggie.

“Those fools outside have proven they have no worth other than devouring resources like the insects they are.” She sniffed. “I’m a Gotham City girl, I’ve seen what happens when the lower classes get a foothold. They turn everything they touch into a cesspool.”

Maggie went to argue but the other woman waved an impatient hand at her.

“Just think about it logically for a moment. Put your feelings to one side if you’re able. All the money we siphon off to food banks, to unemployment benefits, homeless shelters. All of that could be redirected to medical research. Cancer treatments. The hospitals wouldn’t be overrun with alcohol related injuries and HIV outbreaks from the use of shared needles. Nurses and Doctors would be able to do their job without working thirty-six-hour shifts in the ER. Public transport could service all areas, not have to avoid the most run-down ones for fear of being hijacked. We could build our own utopia.”

Holy Shit, she was crazy.  
Maggie had come across criminals with delusions of grandeur before but this was something else altogether.

 

“You used us.”

The casual shrug at the accusation infuriated Maggie.

“I had influence over one of NCPD’s finest, protector of those wastrels on the street and Agent Alex Danvers, co-ordinating the rebuilding efforts. Why on earth would I waste the chance for a two-pronged attack to take out those resisting my new society?”

“Your new society?!” Maggie echoed incredulously. “You think you’re the first to think of that? Better, smarter versions of you have tried. And failed.”

Stealthily moving towards a bench next to her Isley stopped when Maggie cocked her gun; intentions clear.

“What is this?” She said motioning to the alien plant taking up space on the bench nearby. “What have you done to us?”

A proud grin answered her and she wanted to rip at the other woman’s face so badly that it hurt to keep her hands clutching her gun.

“It’s a cross-breed of my own invention.” She said proudly. “A little of this a little of that. Snips and snails and puppy dog tails.”

Maggie felt sick. 

“Those dreams, you took my memories and tainted them- rewrote them so that all the good was replaced with… God, you took things that were private…”

Pamela actually seemed a little chagrined for a moment.  
But only for a moment as she analysed Maggie’s posture.

She hummed. “The interesting part is I didn’t know exactly how the toxin would affect the nervous system of those infected. It was designed to take the overriding emotional response and amplify it. It was supposed to hijack the amygdala and force the person to act out their fears, their anger.” Isley’s green eyes gleamed. “So, all those pests out there injecting themselves on street corners found themselves overcome with fear and aggression because that’s what was already in their hearts. In their brains. But you and your girlfriend- that seems to be a different story altogether.”

All Maggie wanted to do was stop listening. Stop up her ears and not have to listen anymore. Her whole body wanted to crumple to the floor as it was and those smooth words just added to the feeling. But she couldn’t. She had to know.

“The amount of guilt each of you has inside, the reassurance you both wanted so badly from the other seemed to warp the effects. So instead of lashing out at those around you, you both turned it inward on yourselves to protect the other. That’s really on you not me.”

Pamela scratched her chin thoughtfully. “It’s not something I could have predicted. But it worked well enough I suppose.”

Oh God.  
That meant….  
Alex had been fighting this whole time; not giving in. Never allowing herself to give in and hurt Maggie. And all Maggie had done was curse her for it. Judge her and spew mean words.  
That recognition thrummed through her giving her a spike of clarity.

“You’re going to give me the cure. Right now,” she growled, a renewed sense of purpose flowing through her. 

Pamela took a cautious step forward. “It doesn’t have to be like this, Maggie. You know the scum that feed off this city. Join me. We can build a real future out of the ashes. Together.”

She genuinely seemed to be asking as far as Maggie could tell and she took great pleasure in replying with a hissed “Screw you.”

The woman face changed in an instant, turning hard and dispassionate at the rejection.

“Very well if that’s all you have to say. I have work to be getting on with anyway. The next batch is ready to go out so I really don’t have the time to convince you of your short-sightedness.”

Maggie stared down row upon row of bouquets, each neatly bound into a slender garland to the left of them.

Isley didn’t miss her questioning gaze.

“Roulette’s underground fight club has reopened during these turbulent times. I’m not fond of her methods, brute as they are but her clientele are some of the most morally corrupt, money hoarding individuals this city has ever seen. Baudelaire’s has been hired to decorate their re-opening gala. And let me tell you- it’s going to be one hell of a show.”

“I can’t let you do that.”

Maggie tensed, feet apart.

“You’re dead on your feet detective and I’m afraid all out of luck,” Isley said with what almost sounded a little like regret. “I hope you said your goodbyes to your beautiful girlfriend before you came here. I’d hate for the two of you to part on bad terms.” 

Incensed at the very mention of Alex, lunging towards Isley with the remnants of energy left in her Maggie feinted to the left to try and grab the woman’s tattooed wrist but misjudged the distance, slamming into the edge of the shelf with all the plants lined up. The ledge’s lip punched into her ribs and she sucked in a hot breath, wincing at the pain.

Isley simply smirked at her and that smirk set the rest of her on fire.

Scooping up one of the plants, hoping idly that it wouldn’t leach into her skin she threw it angrily at the other woman. The thing smacked against her shoulder leaving a trail of pollen and soil right across her shirt.

She looked angrily down at the stain then back up at a gasping Maggie.

“You really think I’d work with plants that could infect me?!”

Maggie picked up another and flung it at the woman’s face. It missed her by an inch.

“If you’re that stupid, you’ve really lost your edge.”

Brushing herself down Isley blinked. “Before I work with any species in the flesh, alien or otherwise I synthesize antibodies to treat myself with from a dormant specimen. This isn’t my first time on this rodeo, detective.”

The smug tone of her voice felt like needles on Maggie’s skin.

“You however look like you need an extra kick to get you through this trying time.”

Maggie’s heart sunk as she saw Pamela stick her hand deep into the alien plant nearby and bring out a handful of black pollen. It flew through the air towards her before she could react.  
Maggie tried to hold her breath but as soon as the dust hit her face that itching was back and purely on instinct her mouth opened to sneeze.  
She could taste the sour particles when she took a breath in. Felt them slide down her throat on a sea of saliva, infesting her insides.  
And that was when her knees finally buckled and she fell to the floor spluttering.  
Every muscle sewn through with something dark and insidious.  
Her lungs burning as if they were covered with soot.

The colours in the room faded for a moment, seeping into grey then black as a veil came down over everything.

This was it.  
This was where it ended then- that was the only thought that made sense to her right now as she tried to blink the black curtain from her eyes.  
The only one that slipped through the mesh of conversations and harsh words.  
And she cursed herself for the helpless position she’d ended up in. For bringing this on herself with those stupid stupid cacti, for poisoning Alex.  
Oh God, Alex.  
She could be anywhere.  
Messed up and alone.  
Thinking Maggie hated her.

She’d wrecked everything.

The guilt washing over her gave the hunched-over detective a small burst of energy and she surged upwards but as she tried to reach the shelf and haul herself up, her knees locked and Maggie fell back down in a heap; breathing laboured.

“You really would have made the perfect accomplice you know.”

She lifted her head to glare at the grey shadowy figure across the room. “Drop dead.”

“Tried that, dear. Didn’t catch on.” With a grin, the woman seemed to pluck an entire flower from that disgusting plant and stalked towards Maggie. She didn’t know if she was going to ram it down her throat or simply place it on her as some macabre gesture but as she tried shuffling backwards, her limbs refusing to co-operate all Maggie could do was wait for whatever came next.  
Her mind on one thing.

Alex.

An image of the woman she loved floating at the back of the room, the only thing in colour amidst a sea of grey.  
Sprinting through the door behind Pamela as if an echo could save her.

Maggie smiled on instinct seeing Alex’s beautiful face so clearly; pale against the black tactical gear she always seemed to be wearing.  
She was all fire and precision.  
She was a sight to behold.

“Alex?” she said weakly her head swimming, muscles straining to keep her upright.  
It was a hopeful sound. 

Any other time she would have been embarrassed at how needy that must have seemed but she didn’t care.  
There were things she needed to say.  
To put right.

“I...I’m sorry Aly, this is all because of me.”  
Maggie coughed up some black phlegm but ignored the pitted stain on her lips.

“I didn’t mean those things…I didn’t know what I was saying…”

She reached out a trembling hand. “I didn’t mean for any of this.”

She left her fingers dangling in mid-air… right up until that one clear part of her brain realised she must be seeing things again; realised that the pollen in her lungs, in her bloodstream was playing tricks with her.  
The despair that followed hit her like a hammer to the chest.

“Oh, how sweet, do you see your love?” taunted Pamela a foot away staring down at Maggie’s curled up form. “Is she coming to save you Detective?”

“I wish it was you, Aly” Maggie coughed, ignoring the barb, slumping against the wall. “Just to see you one more time.”

Pamela shook her head as she bent down bringing her face dangerously close to the detective’s. “Such romance to those delusions. It almost makes me want to feel sorry for you.”

Maggie blinked wildly as her vision went dark for a moment, the woman’s shadow obscuring her view of Alex but the sound of some kind of heavy object hitting bone with brunt force made her jerk awake and then oddly there was something warm that landed on top her foot.  
Something weighty.   
Like a body.

Forcing her eyes open she stared at the redhead’s supine form lying on the floor in front of her, the flower in her outstretched hand suddenly crushed by a heavy combat boot with tight lace ups.

Tilting her head up she stared into a pair of worried brown eyes that were bristling with tears.

“I’m here Mags. It’s me. I got you. She can’t hurt us anymore.”

Leaning down gingerly, stepping over the unconscious woman between them Alex pulled her into a tight hug. “Just stay with me ok.”

“You gonna make me promise?” Maggie said tremulously, the room spinning around her. “Even when you’re not really here?”

“Your damn right I am.”

That was the last thing Maggie heard before everything swirled into a black funnel in front of her eyes; a grateful smile on her face.

That she at least got to see Alex one last time before everything faded into oblivion.


	13. Panacea

Everything was way too heavy.  
Leaden; like there was something sitting on her chest and limbs.  
Screwing up her eyes Maggie counted to ten carefully then forced them open.  
Only to find she was in a familiar white landscape- a med bay she’d seen many times before. 

Too many times for her liking. The soft beeping of a heart monitor was the only sound in the room besides her rasping breaths and as she looked about, moving her legs around sluggishly under a light blanket she spotted a slender figure with their back to her.

Some of that weight lifted at the sight of that recognisable spine beneath black clothes.

Alex.  
She was alive.  
They were both alive.

Maggie dragged her dry lips apart.

“Hey, you,” she managed to get out with a lethargic smile.

Turning, Alex ran straight over though she appeared to be favouring her left-hand side, the upper portion of her black tactical gear seeming to gleam oddly in the strip lights.  
Staring at it, Maggie frowned as she saw the torn fabric underneath the stain, the red on white skin.  
A blood stain.

“Hey,” greeted Alex with a wide smile though the nervousness behind it wasn’t completely disguised.

Maggie shifted painfully. “You ok?”

Alex laughed as she hovered next to the bed as if she couldn’t believe the question she’d just been asked. “Am I ok?! Are you kidding me?”

Maggie shifted again, feeling the bed roll underneath her.   
The familiarity of the conversation, a scene she’d live through way too many times in her nightmares sent spikes of anxiety pulsing through her aching bones and when she looked up she found Alex was looking a little uneasy, as if she was distinctly uncomfortable too.

Oh God.  
Maybe this was a delusion too. Another playback.  
Shaking, Maggie reached out a hand to her and felt Alex’s fingers slip in between her own solid and warm.

“Maybe we should change the script a little,” whispered the detective.

Alex blew out a hard breath as she tried to calm her racing nerves, nodding imperceptibly.

So, she had been having the same symptoms.  
Goddamnit.

Dark eyes scrutinised Alex’s tired face, trying to reassure her that Maggie knew what she was feeling. 

“Just until we know what’s real and what’s not, yeah?”

“This is real though, isn’t it?” Alex whispered.

Alex was staring at their fingers, the way they curled around each other and Maggie squeezed them trying to cover her own uncertainty.

“As real as it gets.” She paused glancing around the room then back to the scared looking agent next to her, “And if it’s not then screw reality. Couldn’t think of anywhere I’d rather be.”

Gratitude and relief etched itself into the beautiful face hovering above her and she allowed herself to relax momentarily. Because Alex was real. They were both breathing. Together. Messed up maybe and tangled up in stuff neither of them could even begin to unravel but alive.

That was enough to call this a win.

She took in the bags under Alex’s eyes, the mussed- up hair.

The need to speak, to tell her girlfriend everything that she’d seen, that she’d thought she’d seen pressed into her ribcage. To reassure her that their memories were safe, that eventually they’d both be able to tell which ones had happened and which ones had been twisted and tainted; to make all the apologies she should have made before all of this ballooned inside Maggie’s heavy chest and she tried to lean upwards resting on her elbows but Alex pushed her gently back down with the palm of her free hand.

“You need to rest Mags; your lungs took a real hit with that stuff Isley threw at you.” She bit her lip. “It was a concentrated dose she’d been working on when you interrupted her. Twice as potent.”

Just seeing the way Alex flinched when she mentioned the other woman’s name made Maggie seethe with anger but she allowed herself to still when Alex raised an eyebrow to show that she meant it.

“She did worse to you.”

Alex shook her head at the ridiculous notion.

“This isn’t a competition Mags. I don’t need to be the only one coddled every time we hit a bump in the road.”

A bump in the road. 

It felt like a reprimand and bruised her in the same way. But then Alex leaned down and softly kissed Maggie’s forehead right where the crease sat as if she realised the unintended bite in those words.

“Let me look after you this time…please? I- I want to. If you’ll let me.”

Without warning tears flooded Maggie’s eyes and she reached up a hand to let it wind its way into Alex’s soft hair to keep their foreheads together.  
From here she could almost hear Alex’s heartbeat and catch a scent of that blood on her clothes. More tears came without warning.

“How- how did you…”

Alex pulled back for a moment, filling the other woman with a cold keening sense of emptiness but then she gently nestled down next to her, sliding onto the bed, nudging shoulders to ask Maggie to make room for her. She did, without hesitation.

“How did I know where to find you? I can’t really take the credit for that one.” The short-haired woman said quietly. “I was on an op, we got a tip on where they were brewing this stuff wholesale on the East side and…” a dark shadow crossed her face, “I messed up. Messed up big time. Worse than when I was with you. I was… seeing things. Hallucinating I guess and…”

“Seeing things?” Prodded Maggie, trying to get her to say the words out loud though she wasn’t even sure she wanted the answer to her own question.

“You. I saw you,” admitted Alex, her muscles taut. “I botched the whole sting, put an entire team in danger when I tried to save you and you weren’t even there.” Her head drooped to stare at the patterned blanket. “I gave a gun to a suspect thinking she was you, put myself in the line of fire- got a bullet to the shoulder in return.”

Maggie wanted to rage about the fact that she hadn’t been there to keep her safe, to check every inch of skin next to her and kiss it better. But instead, delicately, without moving too much and setting her head banging again she rested her head on Alex’s shoulder, comforting her, forgiving her, tamping down all that anger inside her without trying to put those awkward sentiments into words. 

“It’s not your fault Mags,” Alex said feeling her tense next to her. “Okay? I’m fine.”

It wasn’t ok. Not by a long shot. But Maggie turned to place a soft kiss on Alex’s uninjured shoulder to show that she at least heard her.

“Anyway, luckily the tactical guys came prepared and got everything back under control. Bailed me out, really. I was pretty out of it from the blood loss on scene, so as far as I’ve been briefed the team medi-vacced me back to the DEO straight away where they sewed me up.” She glanced down at her shoulder. “Not as neat as I’d have done but beggars can’t be choosers I guess.”

Maggie grinned wanly and Alex mirrored the expression before falling into seriousness again.

“J’onn must have called Kara asking her to come back. When she flew into the central recon area, the first thing she smelled were the flowers on my desk. She was grousing the other day about the apartment smelling funky but I didn’t think anything of it. Turns out whatever she’d picked up on had been nagging at her the whole time she was away, like she’d smelt it somewhere before. It was only when she smelt those flowers that were saturated with double amounts of chemicals that it brought everything flooding back to her.”

Maggie stilled.  
The flowers.  
She must have had some too with the same note. Thinking they were from her.  
Thinking that Maggie did this.  
Not that she would have been too far off the mark.

“It was the same scent she’d been surrounded by when she was under the Black Mercy. A new strain, some derivative of it with slightly different scent markers but the same at the basic cellular level.”

Alex grimaced at the memory of seeing her sister lying prone on a table, that disgusting black and red creature attached to her stomach.

“That must have thrown Kara for a loop.”

Alex smiled inwardly at Maggie’s concern for her sister. “Enough to laser the bouquet from where she stood. Apparently, she fried my PC and half the desk chair at the same time. Someone took a picture of J’onn’s face; they showed it to me when I came around. It might be the best thing I’ve ever seen...”

Chuckling along with her Maggie squeezed her fingers.  
But then her girlfriend’s face dropped for a second time.

“Apart from finding you alive in that shop when I thought we were going to be too late… that kinda trumps… everything. Ever.”

Before she knew what was happening Maggie found herself pulled into a one-armed hug and she sank gratefully into Alex’s arms, appreciating every inch of warm skin she could nuzzle into. Every tight muscle and familiar smell.  
Tilting her head to bring her mouth near to Alex’s ear, she was loath to break the moment. But the pounding over her right eye and the catch in her breathing was still bothering her so she parted her lips silently.

“Which brings us back to the original question Danvers.”

Alex could only laugh at Maggie’s tenacity. At her need to know everything all at once.

She held her closer. “They didn’t have an antidote or anything. The Black Mercy was a psychological stimulant and relied on the infected to resist it. This cross breed has been mixed with a series of different plants. Not even our phytologists- alien or human have seen anything like it. So, after stitching me back together while I was out, the med team shot me up with adrenaline and cortisol to keep me awake, keep me alert while they tried to synthesize something.”

“Must have been one hell of a wake-up call,” Maggie said softly shuddering at the thought of Alex jerking awake surrounded by faceless doctors, system overrun with stimulants.

“If you call your skin feeling like it’s on fire and waking up in some kind of loud and frantic nightmare one hell of a wake-up call, then yeah.”

Alex moved her shoulder experimentally. “To be fair it numbed the pain well enough.”

“And being numb was enough for you?”

That question took them both by surprise, hell Maggie didn’t even know what she even meant by it but Alex seemed to shake it off; rubbing the knuckles of her left hand comfortingly.

Alex glanced down at her, “Maybe not for the long haul, but enough to get me to you. That’s all that matters.”

Even as the NCPD detective’s heart swelled, the guilt in her tempered the sensation. “That wasn’t meant as an accusation.”

“If it was its ok. Mags, we’ve been through hell. First with Rick then the invasion”

Maggie went to say something but her bed-mate cut her off. “And I mean we. Those things didn’t just happen to me, you suffered through them just like I did. Maybe in different ways, in different places but not with any less fear. Right?”

The hint of challenge in her tone forced Maggie to settle down and she rolled her eyes but nodded too.

“Damn straight.” Alex held her gaze.

“And just when we were trying to come to terms with all of that, with everything that meant for our families, for us…along comes another attack. A more insidious one than either of those. One we could never have seen coming.”

Except that I was the one that set this in motion, thought Maggie.  
Brought those goddamn things into our home. Told that crazy bitch who you were so that she could crawl inside your head.

Picking up on her spiralling thoughts, Alex gripped her tighter, brushing the skin on her bicep with tentative fingertips.

“When J’onn realised I was under the influence of something alien he totally lost it, asked for all the files on my recovery- the med charts, the obs, the psych reports. He didn’t recognise the signature on the document signing me off for that first street op with you so he pulled the internal CCTV footage.”

Maggie frowned causing Alex to nod.

“Yeah can’t say I was too happy myself when I realised all my sessions had been recorded but J’onn’s promised me the tapes are kept under strict security protocols and only the director has access so I’m gonna let that one slide.”

Rolling her shoulders, she collected herself. “For now, at least.”

“They ran facial recognition on this Dr Isley. And they got a hit. Turns out she faked her clearances and had previous in Gotham for the creation and distribution of harmful psychotropic drugs. It wasn’t hard to see the link once it was written there on the screen. When we did a national search for her the database spat out a bunch of aliases. One of them was used to purchase the rental of a shop downtown. A flower shop called Baudelaire’s. The same name written on that cardboard box in our bedroom.”

The name of that place was like a sucker punch and Maggie tried to play it off. Alex didn’t miss the way she stiffened however and rested the side of her head against the smaller woman’s.

“I asked J’onn to check where you were as soon as I realised that I wasn’t the only one infected. NCPD said you were part of the riot team down by Miller Street. When I heard about you, out there on the streets in the middle of some kind of uprising, going through…. anything close to what I’d been going through I almost lost my mind.”

They breathed each other in for a moment, silently thanking whoever and whatever had kept them alive. Connected.

“He refused to let me head down there. I was this close to slugging him I swear.” She grimaced at the memory of their slanging match. “When I told him I’d make my own way with or without backup he must have realised I wasn’t kidding. Not even close. So, he sent me out with a full unit to the shop. I was supposed to stay back, let the team take Isley down while I searched the place for anything that might help with an antidote. No direct contact.” Her face flushed suddenly. “But really I was gonna skip protocol once we got her locked down and go find you.”

Maggie let out a quiet gasp at the admission and kept their faces close. Wondering how the hell she got so lucky to find a woman like Agent Alex Danvers.

“It doesn’t make sense saying it out loud. Even if I’d found you, I couldn’t have helped you without the cure but I- I just didn’t care. I just needed to get to you. To keep you safe. That’s all I could think about”

Maggie blinked. “I think sense is overrated.”

Alex laughed softly under her breath. “You wanna back me up on that when I have to write my report and end up getting an F- on tactical logistics?”

She leant back against the pillow and allowed Maggie to move and rest in the crook of her shoulder. “When we got to the shop, I heard Isley talking to someone. Someone telling her to go to hell. I heard you. And for a second…” This new confession caught in her throat but she pushed through, allowing the warmth of Maggie’s skin on hers to keep her calm. “…I thought I was hallucinating again. I was sure of it. That the adrenaline was wearing off and the drug was having some kind of resurgence. But the things you were saying were so…you, so real…so defiant that my plan completely went out the window.”

Alex eyes glistened for a moment and Maggie knew she was picturing her slumped on that dirty floor, the other woman leering over her. God, she must have looked pathetic.

The DEO agent sucked in a controlled breath. “I couldn’t get to you in time to stop her hitting you with the pollen. I- I’m sorry I wasn’t quicker. But when she did that I saw red and I couldn’t keep away. I pretty much fought my way through the rest of the guys, I think I might even have broken one of their noses getting to you…” Cringing, Alex turned her face to the wall for a moment. “It was only after taking her out, when you collapsed in my arms that I remembered what she’d said. About force-building some kind of immunity to the chemical and I realised things might not have gone quite as wrong as I thought.”

“Hey…”

Maggie hadn’t moved for almost the entirety of the story but that one small hey was enough to get Alex’s attention. Enough to get her to look down into charcoal eyes.

“Thank you. For choosing me over orders.”

Alex stared at her and blinked back wet eyelashes as Maggie leaned in to place a tender kiss on her cheek.

“Anytime Mags.”

They both closed their eyes for a moment before Alex spoke again.

“I took blood from her in the transport back here while she was out for the count. Sent the sample to the lab for the team to extract antibodies while I came to medical with you. It didn’t take long for one team to synthesize a temporary solution while another began work on a total cure.”

Maggie’s eyes flew open, gratitude burning in them before her nose wrinkled up as she processed that. “So, we’re in for a bunch of needles then?”

Alex offered her a pale grin. “You’ve already had three. But yeah, there’s probably going to be more than a few months-worth I’m guessing. Sorry, I know you don’t like them.”

At the word sorry, at the conclusion of Alex’s tale with her curiosity completely sated, Maggie couldn’t help herself and surged across the pillow again, the room spinning momentarily as she pressed her lips against Alex’s unsuspecting ones. Kissing her gently, then a little more feverishly she nipped at the other woman’s lower lip softly and smiled as Alex growled, pulling her in for a wonderfully brutal kiss that ripped the air from her damaged lungs.

“I think you might be my hero, Agent Danvers,” she said fitfully as she pulled away.

Alex blushed and let out an embarrassed pfft as Maggie stroked her cheek, her gaze never leaving her face.

“If I was your hero I would have realised what was happening long before it got to that point.”

“You think you’re alone in that?”

Maggie’s question chastened her into silence while they breathed each other in.

Alex sniffed a little and with her hands cupping Maggie’s soft chin, pulled her in for another loving kiss.

The red in her cheeks hadn’t receded though when they came up for air. 

“Jeez, that story went on huh?” Alex said with embarrassment. “I don’t know if I’ve ever said so much in one go before. The therapy must be working.”

It was a joke, an attempt to cover up some leftover discomfort that sat inside her gut but Maggie saw right through it.

“Are you ok?” she said seriously. “It can’t be easy knowing that… that woman tricked you into telling her things- things you weren’t ready to share.”

The turbulence on the taller woman’s face made her heart crack a little as she struggled to respond.

Maggie blinked, “That kind of invasion of privacy, it…”

Alex’s chin dropped before her lips parted a crack.

“I don’t think I can talk about that right now. I’m sorry. It’s- it’s too much. Too fresh. Is that ok-”

Maggie placed her other hand on top of the two still clasped as she stared at Alex. “I get it. Of course, it’s ok.”

Maggie gently took her hand away to grip Alex’s chin this time, full of her own sour guilt. “And I’m the one that’s sorry Aly. I’m sorry that I got mad when you wanted to talk to someone else. It doesn’t have to be me, I know that now. I mean I knew it then and that drug was throwing all kinds of spanners in my thinking but I…”

Alex still looked conflicted, caught in the headlights but placed a hand on Maggie’s jerking thigh.

“I wanted to talk to you Mags.” She whispered. “I always wanted that. It wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do. I just haven’t processed this stuff myself so turning these feelings into something resembling words is…tough for me. It’s like translating one language into another with only a half a guidebook to help you.”

She held Maggie’s gaze, as she tried to form some kind of explanation that might make sense to the other woman.

“You- you know how they say it’s easier to talk to a stranger? Well it is sometimes. I don’t know why; it’s not about you judging me, I know you wouldn’t. I know that. I just…strangers don’t think about how your problem affects them. And that’s not a criticism, I’d do the same. They aren’t side-tracked with random thoughts about how it’ll change their plans or what they can do to fix it. You don’t have to fix anything. Strangers stay in the here and now when they’re listening. And if they react badly to what you say, it won’t matter as much. I won’t be thinking about how they see me or if it’ll change what they think of me. So, I stay in the moment too. Does that make sense?”

She held her breath, scrutinising Maggie’s contemplative expression.  
Maggie for her part didn’t move. Didn’t put any space between them, didn’t flinch.   
She simply tilted her head for a moment.

“And they’re not part of your day to day life. So, they won’t remind you of the problem without even realising?” she added softly.

Alex nodded searching her face to see if she was hurt by anything they were saying. Maggie seemed ok though. Contemplative. Maybe even accepting.

They cuddled against each other not saying anything for a moment. Letting the fallout from the discussion settle in the room.

Then Maggie let out a breath. “Did Kara help?”

Alex didn’t move. “Maggie, I…”

Maggie wasn’t looking for more justifications though. She smiled at the face an inch away from her own on the pillow. 

“Al, I think I figured a few things out over the last few days. I remember you saying your Mom sent you to therapy when you were just a teenager…”

Alex froze unsure where this was going or why her girlfriend might have brought that up but Maggie held her closer than ever; reassuring her.

“It’s what you’ve always known. When you had to get things off your chest you only ever had two options. Your sister who’d tell you everything was going to be ok because that’s how she sees the world. Kara gave you sympathy even though she could never understand what you were going through. And then you had the therapist. Someone to listen politely and offer empathy, ways to fix things. Someone who understood your situation but never felt sorry for the fact that you were caught up in it.”

She checked to make sure Alex was listening.

“You- you never had someone to give you both. Someone who understands what you’ve been through and feels…angry that you’ve been put through all this. I…”

Alex was looking directly at her.

Maggie smiled. “That kind of connection is terrifying. Makes you feel exposed. Vulnerable. Is that- is that close to where you are right now?”

Alex’s eyes filled up as she stared open mouthed, at the sincerity and the nervousness in her girlfriend’s eyes.

Slowly, thoughtfully, trying to keep her thundering heart in check she nodded sucking in a painful breath.

“How do you do that?” she asked almost reverently. “How do you know me so well?”

A shrug and a lop-sided grin was her answer. “Pure luck I think.”

“Right.”

Alex continued to stare at her, memorising every inch of her face. The way her nose spread out across the bridge, the smattering of freckles under her eyes. The dimples she loved so much.

“I think…I think I’m getting better though,” Alex whispered. “I can’t promise to tell you everything. But I promise that I’ll stop making you guess what I’m feeling so that everything isn’t on your shoulders. And I promise that I won’t make this all about me. That there’ll be room for your fears too. Is that enough?”

Questions finally asked, she waited nervously. For Maggie to decide whether what she had to offer was something she could live with.

Maggie was grinning before a few seconds were up. “It’s enough Al. More than.”

Pulling Alex into another hug, she wrapped her up tightly as if she could keep her there forever; safe from the world outside. And Alex did the same, holding the smaller woman in her embrace- each of them protecting the other.

“You know there’s other things we’re gonna need to talk about, right?” Maggie whispered with a tinge of sadness after a while.

Alex couldn’t deny that Maggie was right, as much as she might want to and letting her fingertips graze along Maggie’s forearm as their hold on each other slackened she agreed.

“Those dreams. They were so real.”

“Down to the details.”

“What was I like in them?” Alex asked cautiously.

Maggie sighed. “I’ve been thinking about that. And I can’t work out whether it was me that was different in them or whether it was you. I mean they came from my brain so I don’t suppose it matters but one of us was…I don’t know, harder. Or colder maybe. Closed off. When I looked at you your eyes didn’t shine in the same way when I made a joke. And it got easier and easier to forget that I’d ever made you laugh. All I saw was what could have been if we never let each other in.” 

She grimaced, trying to keep her voice level. “Was that how it felt to you? Off key. Slightly wrong but not able to put your finger on why.”

Alex didn’t trust herself to speak but the squeeze of her fingers was enough of an answer. It fortified Maggie to sit up straighter, turning to face her girlfriend fully.

“We’re gonna get through this Al. And we’re gonna make more memories, hundreds of them; ones she can’t touch. Ones she can’t stain. That’s how we’ll get back at her. That’ll be our revenge.”

A smile broke out on Alex’s pale skin.

“That sounds perfect,” she said with hope in her voice.

And it did.  
It really did.

When they were done detailing each other’s faces, every scar and bruise marked there, after what seemed like an eternity, Alex nestled back into her girlfriend’s side. 

“You know, if she tries to make a break for it when we transport her to a secure facility and accidentally gets a little roughed up resisting arrest that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world though.”

Maggie laughed. “Here’s hoping.”

Holding on to one another, they let the warmth of each other’s skin feed the relief inside. The relief and the bone shattering weariness crawling through their muscles.

“You think we can stay here like this for a while?” Maggie mumbled.

“Well we can’t go home until they’ve taken those cacti out and completely fumigated the place. And I doubt I’m going to be allowed on active duty for a while after all this so I don’t see why I shouldn’t utilise the facilities while they keep me office bound.”

Maggie straightened out her legs, pushing her toes down underneath the sheet then reached down to pull the blanket open encouraging Alex to clamber inside instead of laying on top. She did so without argument, despite the cameras they knew were trained on them in the corner of the ceiling. All she wanted was to be close to Maggie. As close as she could get; protocol be damned. She’d take the heat for it when the time came without hesitation.

Snuggling up underneath the cover, they wriggled around until they were facing each other again, legs intertwined, Alex’s left arm placed gently across Maggie’s hip. They simply looked at each other for what felt like another century, satisfying their need to make sure this was real. That this was happening.

Once both of them were content that the other wasn’t going anywhere, leaning forward Alex took Maggie’s smiling mouth with hers, breathing her in, letting her tongue touch her bottom lip softly before waiting for Maggie to catch up.

And catch up she did, a hand snaking to the back of Alex’s neck as she kissed her with more passion, losing herself in the other woman lying right next to her. Losing herself with her after spending so long worrying that she was losing her completely.

The kisses went on for hours. There were passionate ones. Lazy ones laced with giggles.  
Then sleepy fumbling ones as their muscles eventually unwound.

Finally relaxing fully, both of them fell into a deep, resting sleep with the white walls watching over them keeping them safe.

Neither one dreaming anything this time; their bodies too tuned to the other to waste time on flights of fancy. 

They were safe.  
Together.  
And that’s all they needed after everything.

Both Maggie and Alex smiled softly in their sleep as if they shared that one single thought; letting the other’s proximity keep them bound together.  
For the night.  
And maybe, just possibly for the rest of their lives.


End file.
